Rêveries

Chapter 97.

Originally I had planned to go back to LA around the same time as the Austin GP to make it easier, but my recent conversation with Pierre made me decide otherwise.

I started seeing my new therapist twice a week to really start working on what needed work. She told me that seeing Evie and talking it out may ease some of my anxiety. I had to be honest with her and tell her what's been bothering me, and it might ease my mind to also make sure that my friend is fine, considering Pierre seemed to be worried which had essentially worried me too. I was scared that Pierre was somehow right about Evie's drinking and her daily habits.

I tried to call Evie and tell her that I was coming to LA, but she was busy as per usual, and I never reached her on the phone long enough to tell her so I just figured I wouldn't. It's still my apartment as well and I'm allowed to walk in there at any given time. If she wanted some kind of warning beforehand then she should have picked up the phone when I called her one of the ten times the week before I left.

My therapist meetings were great, I think. I still don't feel like I've done more than complain about all the horrible things in my life. Occasionally she asks me questions about how I feel or how I refer to deal with certain things. Sometimes she asks me questions that are uncomfortable and makes me squirm in my seat, which is when she takes notes and keeps pushing just a little, wanting to continue with the uncomfortable topic for a while, like starting to untangle a large knot.

The latest meeting with her had me thinking about it for many hours after she'd left, and during my entire flight to LA. Charles and I had gone to the airport together, as he was flying to Italy to prepare for the Singapore Grand Prix. He had noticed my mental absence and I told him that the meeting had me thinking about a lot, which he saw as a good sign as it sounded like the sessions had an effect on me, and I wasn't just sitting there without getting anything sorted out within myself.

But I couldn't tell him what we had been talking about. I didn't want to. Which basically meant I hadn't listened to what my therapist told me to. I should've told him something, and I didn't. I avoided it, which she would've been very disappointed in me for, because she's told me that I need to stop running from things and facing it. My fight or flight response is always flight, while I need to fight more. But I couldn't tell him. I was about to, I really was. But I couldn't.

Somehow she had made me tell her about my thoughts about not wanting to live. It had been tough telling her, and I couldn't look at her as I told her, stammering and taking a long time to finish the sentence. I wanted help with it, because I knew it wasn't normal to feel like that, and I wanted to feel better and get rid of that horrible feeling, but it was still hard for me to get the words out and tell her. And now she wants me to be honest with Charles.

Since a lot of my guilt comes from my change in the way I view my future, now feeling uncertain about what I am capable of. My therapist made me realize that I know what I want, I just don't know what I am able to do. I do want children, I just don't want them in the state I'm in, and the best for me and this guilty feeling would be to be honest with Charles. He could help me in the process and he could make me feel better, and maybe we'd be able to talk about another future together that would make me feel better in the way I am right now. Things can always change. Our ideas, needs and wants change with time, just because we talk about it doesn't mean it's set in stone. But I had tears in my eyes when I told her how scared I was that he was going to leave me if we no longer wanted the same thing.

"Then it just means it wasn't meant to be, and you could find someone better. If he leaves, he simply wasn't worth it, and you deserve better."

But there is no one better. She doesn't understand how I can't have him leave me. What would happen to all of our friends we share? What would happen to our families? We will have ruined everything for a lot of people. It woke another anxiety, which was that maybe I was too naive to think it could work. I didn't think it through. Did I think it would be us forever without any issues, ever? I did think we'd get married. But how often do people who start dating that young actually get married? I couldn't stand the thought of him leaving me.