Didhaksaya

~17~

Jungkook's pov

"Why are you smiling?" I asked eomma.
"Why? Can't i smile?" She said and chuckled making me confused.
"What? I told you i messed up!" She sighed.
You are a fool if you don't understand your own feelings. And you are a bigger fool if you don't know how to word them. I was the bigger fool. I know people will say that this world is not worth telling people what you feel as it is all it takes to use them as your weakness against you. I wouldn't deny it as it was true. More than true I will say. But if living in this world meant to bottle up your emotions the population wouldn't have been so large. And that's where comes the role of family and friends and lovers.....well they are the people you can tell your thoughts to and they will neither judge you nor will they use it against you in any way. But guess what? I didn't had friends. and family? Their existence was a question to me. But eomma was different. She was not my blood related family and not any friend. But when needed she became one. A family when I needed the love a family is supposed to give and a great friend when I needed her as one. And today I went to her to ask if she can help me as a friend. Like of course
She can but I was wrong here. So if she refuses to help me I will respect that which I know she wont do.
"you know you were not supposed to say that?" she asked me after listening to me. She had been smiling at the thought of us being more than friends as I had just kissed her lovely daughter in law. Not my words she calls nayani that.
"say what? You should say you shouldn't have done that" I said already getting frustrated with the day. First with that man I saw today in nayani's room. Oh and the way he was flirting with her? I wanted to punch him but how nayani was blushing and that made me angrier and I couldn't help but get away from there. I gained there attention and told her I will not be in the palace which was true as I needed to clear my head. But she will be searching for me so I thought of informing her not realizing that she will not be willing to see my face after what I had done. I shook my head there they were.....my scattered thoughts I am not able to collect.
"didn't she kissed you back?" I looked at eooma. She was so curious.
"she did" I answered knowing what she was going to say next.
"so that means that she wanted it too! Where is the problem then?" she said it. I knew she will say it. I thought it too. But my concerns were.........well different.
"what I am saying is eomma she must have kissed me because she wouldn't have been able to control herself. We are teenagers eomma its normal, you only said it. But I still am guilty of kissing her. Even tho she might have liked it, I didn't took her consent. Also I was not in the position to kiss her but I still did. And even if nayani will be okay with it? I am not! And she should also not be okay with it aswell" I told her. I don't care if it was right or not but I had some principles I lived by and violating them was the last thing I am willing to do. Its different to flirt and totally different to cross the line. Flirting was normal among friends what I did? I don't think was right.
I felt a hand on my shoulder and I looked beside me to see eomma smiling at me.
"I am so proud of you son! You are the best thing that has happened to me and I am happy that you now have someone like nayani in your life. Also, whatever has happened is going to be okay but for that you need to talk to nayani first. Go and talk to her and ask her what she thinks" she said and then stood upto leave. And I didn't stopped her. I smiled after hours as i heard eomma's steps getting faint. Soon she disappeared inside her room.
I should talk to nayani. It is for the best and after all she didn't seem to mind me coming to her room today. Will she forgive me? I need to think of a way i can Apologise to her so that i t doesn't go wrong. I have already messed up enough.
I was in my own thoughts when I saw hyung walking in the garden with someone. It was a women to be precise. She was wearing same clothes like nayani. She must be the cousin hyung is going to marry. i looked at my hyung and he had a shy smile on his face. He was looking like he had just got his favourite candy he's been looking for all his life. Parents expectations was a whole different thing and it was difficult to live by them as well and I knew that. I have always admired him for that and for whatever he is. He has been with me all the time when I had needed him. Be it learning the new skill i just saw him practicing or be it the painting he helped me learning when he himself never knew how to do it. He was there when i was sad about father saying different things to me to just look down on me. He would cheer me up and say that it was all fine and one day he will be the king and everything will be fine. He was just how a little brother wants his older brother to be. If not for him i would have gone insane and would have lost my shit long ago. Not to say my father triggers me to an extent i want to just run out of there and take the anger out on something. But it never happened. I never crossed the line as i had a support with me . He calmed me and told me that he was with me and how proud he was of me. I was not so unlucky afterall.

I don't know if what i said is right. But this is what I think should be right. And they are my thoughts as this is my story so please don't try to say that this is not the way.
Like i know for you it can not be the way but for me it is!
And at last
Thankyou so much for reading my story!!!!
~sofia.