The Wrong Brother

Chapter 36 - I don't know how to start (Part II)

Bennett's POV

Yeah, summer was over and I felt so guilty.

I think after we were back to our lives, it was even harder to give myself to her. I already mentioned this, but that day that I saw Alex for the first time after summer was over was the realization that I still love her, so I felt even more guilty. 

I definitely don't want to lead her on and although she said she understands, I still feel like a jerk.

''Bennett, we talked about this. I knew what I was doing. I wanted to do it, I wasn't expecting us to get married just because we had sex.'' She said, as I covered my face with my hands.

''I know, I just... we shouldn't have done that.'' She smiled softly at me.

''We're seventeen, I think it's perfectly normal we make dumb decisions. If not now, then when?'' I nodded.

''I hate that I did this to you though.''

''What did you do to me?'' She asked, feeling almost offended. ''Ok, I think we need to clarify some things. I'm grown up, Bennett. I'm totally capable of making my own decisions and if I decided to do it with you, it's because I wanted to. It pisses me off that everyone thinks it's always the man's decision. It was not. I went through with it. I was fully aware of what was going on and of course, I'm not happy that you're mopping for someone else, because I do see us dating eventually, but I knew it.''

Kate is a very decided person. She's not as nearly insecure as I am or as... well, as Alex is. She was right, she is the one who initiated it and decided to move forward.

Still, it didn't make me feel any better.

I only told Don about what happened. I've never mentioned this to anyone else and I intend to keep it that way. The next time it happens, it will be with the girl I love.

That's why this week I called Kate and asked if we could meet. I need to set things straight with her and be fair.

I check my phone for the millionth time as I wait for her to arrive at the coffee shop we agreed to meet at.

The moment she enters the place and waves at me, I feel bad. She comes to the table and gives me a soft kiss on the cheek, making this even worse for what I have to do.

"Are you ok?" She asks, looking concerned, as she sits across from me. "You said you needed to talk."

"Yes, well, I don't know how to start." She nods, serious. I didn't tell her what I wanted to discuss, so I guess it's hitting her that's not going to be a pleasant talk.

"You know you can talk to me about anything, right?" I look at her soft eyes before I nod.

"I know we've been friends for almost a year now. Well, more than friends." She nods, smiling this time. "You know things have been confusing for me and I don't want to lead you on."

"This again?" She adjusts herself on the chair, a frown now on her face.

"Hear me out, please. I know you understand, but I need to do this, for you and for me. I like you Kate, I really do, I just can't commit to you until I sort my feelings out and it's not fair that we look like a couple, we act like it when we're together, but we say we're not." She nods again.

"What are you saying, exactly?"

"I'm saying that we should be just friends. No kissing, holding hands, just friendship. I don't want to be unfair to you and I understand if you don't even want that."

I look at her waiting for a reaction, but she is silent, as she fits the table. It takes her a good minute to reply and I give her space, even if the silence is making me nervous.