Stubborn and the Mutt

twenty five | the call

"I know, I know. I just think I have great breasts and it doesn't harm anyone to have them on display, once in a while—"

"Like display, like full on reveal?"

"Of course not! I mean cleavage and all the sorts."

I hum, typing away on the laptop. I do have an assignment to work on, and I'd be close to done if it's not for Andrea calling me to inform me about how she thinks her boobs are lovely. Don't get me wrong, she has a great set, but I'm failing to see the reasoning behind calling to inform me. My phone is on speaker besides my bare leg, and my fingers dance against the keyboards.

"Anyway, how's your father?"

"Better days. He was upset about work today, but he'll be fine. How's your Carlos?"

"I'll only find out on the weekend. We plan to have a picnic, get to know each other more, all the sort."

I hum, pausing a moment. A date, basically. They're going on a date. How is it that he finds importance in that, that he's already initiated it? They'll have a picnic, sit with food before them, I'm sure in a lovely garden of some sort, and they'll get to know each other on a deeper level.

My hand lifts to my face, finger tracing against my lip for a moment. "Did you ask him out?"

"No. I can't ask a guy out, I have too much pride for that. He was the one who asked me." I hear shuffling in the background.

"How much of each other do you know?"

"Oh, I know all about his physique." I can literal hear the smirk on her face, and I groan at her words when she laughs. "Besides that, I don't know too much, but I think I know enough. I'm still learning about him, though. I think there's just a lot about him that intrigues me and I want to learn more about it. Maybe he feels the same way? But... we don't want to be casual about each other, that's the thing. We want it to be serious, and I guess to be serious means to be meaningful enough to get to know each other on that level, especially if we're to last for a long time. Like... mates."

I hum, processing each of her words carefully. It makes perfect sense. In a sense, I feel like I could relate. I want that, I desire that.

Banele and I never had that. At least, not as often as I would have liked, and maybe it's because I idolised something that only perfect couples had. Going on real dates, sitting down and staring at each other, getting to know one another. A real connection beyond just the physical. He never saw it that way, because he believed the physical mattered. If he wasn't attracted to me, then personality didn't matter do him. That's what he implied on numerous occasions in different conversations. Sex mattered. I thought I could change him, and that's the mistake I'd take back with my life, and so I ended up changing because of him.

Opened my legs because I was convinced it mattered. Whether or not virginity is a social construct, I gave him a part of me I can't give the man who will love me one day, and I have to sit with that daily. I let him use me physically because I thought it mattered.

It didn't. The mental scar, the emotional turmoil... the physical pain I allowed myself to go through all for his sexual satisfaction isn't worth it.

I just want dates. I just want a real connection. Instead, I'm stuck with a younger boy who relies on the physical, and is still trying to understand or figure out the importance of having an emotional and mental connection.

I can't blame him. It's his... it's because of what he is that changes things.

"Are you even listening to me? I've been speaking and you've been quiet! I hope you're not putting your work first! I am your best friend—"