Giving in... Or giving up...

Chapter 69

I open the baby book and the first photo is of my belly the day i found out i was pregnant... Or better said the day after the doctor had confirmed... next to it is the ultrasound and Chris looks a little confused at it and i chuckle... "Right there..." I whisper pointing our little girl out and he smiles... We go through the photos...  I had taken weekly photos of my belly wanting to document it all... He smiles watching them, but the smile doesn't really reach his eyes and i realize he must find it hard seeing what he missed... Up till 16 weeks he did not know... After that he knew but still, he missed so much... 

He sees my belly and our girl grow on the photos... "Are you okay?" I whisper as i see a tear run down his cheek and he nods... "Yeah i am good..." He whispers and i sigh... "It is okay to be sad... Or overwhelmed even angry..." I whisper and i take in a deep breath as he kisses my temple and wraps his arm around my shoulders pulling me closer into him... 

"Just angry with myself for having missed so much..." He mumbles and i sigh... I take his hand and put it on my belly as Pip had woken up and was kicking me again... "Let me ask you this... Are you going to be there for her... Are you going to be her dad..." I whisper and he takes in a sharp breath... And for a second i think he is going to say no or that he doesn't know... 

"Yes... I am going to be there for her and for you... In any way you will let me..." He says and i sigh and i lean into him more... I know that i couldn't avoid the conversation anymore... "Let's just get through the pregnancy and birth first... I am confused Chris... I am scared that my hormones are messing with me... Do i miss you... Yes... But i can't tell you what i want right now... I am still hurt and angry... But every fiber in my being longs for you... I am just scared..." I whisper and Chris sighs and nods... 

"I understand..." He mumbles and i sigh... "I'm sorry... I know it is probably not what you want to hear... And i can't tell you if i ever can get passed what happened... All i know is that right now i feel comfortable and that is nice and i know it might sound selfish but all i want to focus on right now is being comfortable and relaxed..." I whisper so soft it almost barely audible...

"Do you want me to leave?" He asks looking sad and the tone of his voice vulnerable... I shake my head immediately even surprising myself... "No..." I whisper and Pip kicks his hand, and he smiles... "She is strong..." He whispers and i chuckle... I turn the page of my baby book and we look in silence until the 20-week scan came up... Chris cries for the fact he missed it... I dont know how to respond to it because although i said it was okay part of me was also telling myself it was his own fault... 

Or was it... The fact that i knew that he came back but i was already gone made me wonder if i was the bad guy here... There is a picture of me and Dotty... She is talking to my belly and i smile as she had no idea Rose had taken a picture of it... Then there is a picture of my mom and i... I explain who they all are and Chris is surprised at the fact my mom was here...  I tell him she is so excited to be a grandma... "What about your mom... Does she know?" I ask just pretending i hadn't heard a thing... He takes a deep breath... "She does... She is mad at me... Chewed me out... So did Scott..." He mumbles and i sigh... 

"Chris... Are you here because your mom makes you..." I ask and he looks at me and shakes his head... "What... No... Of course, not... I am here because i want to be here... I want to be in Pip's life... I want to be in yours to..." He says and i sigh i dont know if i believe him... I feel my mind spiral again so i put the baby book away and grab the laptop and pull up the videos... 

We watch the videos and i smile as he is totally amazed and can't stop smiling... "She is already perfect... I can't wait to meet her..." He whispers and i smile... "I think she can't wait to meet you to." I say as she kicks me again... Chris puts his hand on my belly again and i watch him smile as she kicks him again... 

Chris his stomach growls and i chuckle... I close the laptop and struggle myself out of bed again... "Where are you going?" He asks as i am about to walk out of the bedroom and i chuckle... "To make us breakfast..." I say and walk to the kitchen...

As i grab everything i need from the fridge Chris walks in... "I still can't get over the fact that you cook now..." He says and i laugh... "Yeah, well apparently take out is not good for kids all the time... Not that there are that many take out options here... I stop for a moment and take a deep breath... "Chris..." I say and he looks at me... "Yeah..." He answers and i take another deep breath... "You do understand that this is going to be our kids home right... I am not planning on moving back..." I say and he sighs and looks tense, but he nods... "I mean... If you want to be part of our live... It has to be here..." I say and a little smile appears on his face confusing me... "I am okay with that..." He whispers and this shocks me... "You are?" I whisper and he stands up and walks over to me and hugs me... 

"I am..." He whispers and i dont know why but i have this little itch starting inside of me... "Chris... Can you kiss me please..." I whisper and he smiles, and presses his lips on mine...