Euphoria | Naseem Shah.

48 | Afraid.

Maybe i'm a child.

A docile child that's afraid of the world.

I threw the diary and it went flying across the room, "Why the fuck does she keep haunting me?" i yelled, gripping my hair in frustration.

It was one of those angst movies in which the lead ends up killing the woman, and she haunts him back until he admits his crimes and doings, i was experiencing it.

She haunted me like a ghost, either lurking in the corner of my room, or appearing in my dreams while giving the most painful smile one could ever imagine.

My chest heaved, "Just stop."

The door opened to reveal my brother standing there with a confused expression on my face, he noticed me getting pale, as he walked over, "Why'd you just throw your diary? it created such a loud thud i got scared— are you okay?" he asked.

I nodded, even though i was breaking out in cold sweat, and my chest was hurting so bad i felt as if a hand could rip out of it at any given moment.

"Naseem? you're not okay— dad!" He yelled.

And at that moment, everything around me went pitch black and it was as if i had fallen into a trap, a black hole in which the light only came through at the top of my head, as a spotlight.

I remember my vision getting dizzy, as i fell to the floor with a thump, some yells were heard but i could see everything in slow motion.

~

"Why couldn't you? why couldn't you save me!"

My eyes flew open as i couldn't get a hold of myself, her face showed up in my nightmares almost everyday, i let out a scream.

I looked around to see my dad and brothers there, they grabbed me to get a hold of me, with my dad calming me down, "Are you in your senses Naseem?" my dad yelled.

I looked around and— i was inside a hospital.

My mind tried reversing back to what happened that led me here and then i remembered, i had been hallucinating again, and it became even worse when i saw Kainaat's face in my diary.

The door opened and the doctor entered, "Is he in good condition? i'll check." the doctor pulled out a machine and checked my temperature, "Hm doesn't seem too good." she said.

"What's wrong with me?" i asked, she sighed and pulled my father aside and sat them down, as i still had questions in my head, she spoke up.

"Naseem has been hallucinating because of severe anxiety, and alcoholism, which can be a major cause of hallucinations, i suggest you as his guardian would take him to therapy—"

I cut her off, "I'm perfectly fine, i'm just tired."

"Be quiet Naseem, i've noticed you have been drinking alot these days!— you better get rid of that nasty habit before it worsens!" my dad yelled in his hoarse voice.

"Have you been taking any medication?" the doctor questioned me, as i turned to her, "I have been taking paroxetine, it's a great help." i replied.

"Paroxetine has side effects aswell, you're clearly experiencing some— i suggest you take therapy it's a better help than anti-depressants, plus you have severe anxiety and you need to cut down on alcohol for a while." she added.

I pushed my hair back, "When am i discharged?"

"You aren't wounded so i'd say you can be discharged this instant." she replied and got up, my father turned to me, "We're going to have a talk when we get home." he said.

During the whole car ride, i stayed silent, i was either questioning my existence or fidgeting with my fingers, tiredly looking out the window.

We reached back home and i instantly ran back inside, avoiding any discussions of today, i ran upstairs my room and slammed the door shut, ignoring any interactions.

My door flew back open, revealing my father there with a stern expression on his face, he walked up and put his hands behind, waiting for an explanation.

"What was this today?" he questioned, i gulped and sat upright, "I can explain everything." i replied, he groaned.

"Do you want to die!" he yelled suddenly, i flinched underneath his presence as he was much bigger, "Answer me Naseem, do you want to die?" he shouted.

"No i don't want to die—"

"Then why are you doing things like this? you've been heavily drinking and taking antidepressants without me knowing? what else are you hiding?" he questioned.

As he said that, he rummaged around my entire room, opening cabinets or going through my wardrobe, as he pulled out something.

"What exactly is this?" he asked, holding up the injection, as he sniffed it, "Is this morphine?" he questioned me, i gulped.

He dropped the injection, "N-Naseem how long have you been doing this? are you becoming a druggie? are you serious!" he shouted, panicking, i stood up, "I promise i've only done it once dad! you're getting me wrong!"

"You're going to drive me nuts!" He screamed, "I swear on mom i've only done it once!" i yelled back, his eyes widened as he walked up to me, pointing his finger in my face.

"Don't swear upon your mother." he calmly said.

"How else could i get you to believe me? you know what fine? i've been hallucinating and i feel like i'm going insane everytime her damn face pops up infront of me! she's everywhere dad! even when i sleep she's infront of me! watching me as i sleep!" i screamed.

He stood there, silent, "I'm scared of going insane so i punish myself for my doings— and this drug that i used was only so i could get intoxicated and forget the troubles around me! i'm so afraid dad you have no clue, everything around me is just so fragile and i'm afraid of losing or hurting it."

My dad simply looked down, not having any words to say, but i wouldn't stop, "I've been taking antidepressants without you knowing it's because i don't want you to worry about me, yet it's taking over me, shouldn't i have just died?"

"Don't you ever say that again." he muttered, as he looked up with an expression so deep, "How could you say that to your father? how can a father lose his young son?" he said.

"I'm so sorry i broke your trust, but i have no other option but to continue being this way just so i can fulfill my obligations— of bringing her back, bringing my life back." i said.

"You're on the wrong path Naseem." he says.

"Which ever path i'm on, i know for a fact it'll take me where i have to be, even if hardships come my way, i won't give up until my last breath." i replied.