Inside The Outsider

I was walking down to this store i haven't been to. Momma told me to go to the store to get this specific spice and pint of milk, i was gonna go to the usual store i always go to but at the moment i felt like tryin a new store. As i got to the store, I opened the door and the little bell rung, i turned my attention to the store clerk. He looked around 30 or late 20, he had messy bronze hair with an ugly go-tee, he was tall and scrawny, and he looked like he smelled like old socks.

  I gave him a awkward grin and continued to go through the store, every once and a while I would glance at him. He had a mean suspicious look on his face, i reached for the spice momma wanted until i was startled by a raspy voice," Aye! what you doin back there!?" I glanced at him and waved the bottle of spice so he could see what i was gettin," Put it back!" My eyebrows furrowed in confusion," Why?-" "Put it back nigga! I don't want you contaminatin my store." I squeezed the spice bottle tight to keep from throwin it at his head," Can't you hear nigga!? I told you to put it back and get out my store!" I was sick and tired of him callin me that name.

   I don't let things get under my skin, but that word always seemed to creep its way in. It hurt hearin that word, that word brings tears to my eyes; in history class, the only things that catch my interest is the history of my ancestors, the ones that originated in africa and were taken by the white men to be enslaved. They would just take them and claim them as if they were pets, givin them new names, treatin them like dirt. If the white peoples goal was too make us feel like dirt, well they accomplished it for over 400 years.

     Tryin hard not to boil over, i did as the man said; I set the spice back on the rack and calmly walked back to the door, before i could fully leave the man spoke," Fuckin' niggas always thinkin they can just come into any place they want." He knew i heard what he had said, he was doin it just to purposely make me feel bad and it worked. On my way out i slammed his door and stormed back home. I busted through the door, startling everyone," Where's the-" "They were out." I answered momma before she could ask the question. I ignored everyone and went to my room and plopped on my bed; i laid flat on my stomach and burrowed my face into my pillow.

I laid there for who knows how long, momma opened the door," Diana dinners ready." I still had my face burrowed in my pillow and my voice was muffled," I'm not hungry." It was silent for a second but i could still feel her standin at my door; i turned my head to look at her," Can i spend the night at Clarice's?" She looked at me sympathetically and nodded her head," Make sure you're back here before dinner tomorrow." " Thank you." I gave her a noticeably fake smile and she left my room.

    I packed some of my stuff into a backpack; out of no where, i hear someone tryin to get into my window, and I already knew who it was," Hey Doll." He glanced at me and i gave him a small smile," Where ya goin?" He pointed to the stuffed backpack on my bed," Over my friend's house." He stepped towards me and gently grabbed my hand," Spend the night with me." I shrugged my shoulders, not really in the mood for a protest," Okay." I put on this oversized jacket that Dally stole for me a while back and grabbed my backpack.

    He climbed back out the window and i shut it tight. I exited my room and went out the front door of the house; i walked as if i was goin to Clarice's house but instead took a different route and met up with Dally. I had my hood over my head, so i couldn't really see Dally from the corner of my eye, but i felt him put his arm over my shoulder as we walked," Hey I was thinkin I could take Buck's car and we could go to the drive in sometime," I stayed silent not really payin attention to him, i only stayed focus on my footsteps," You know, and go see that new James Bond movie...Or maybe not." Dally finally trailed off and remained quiet.

We finally made it to the place, Dally pushed the door and he dragged me into the loud place. People were partying not givin a damn, heavy smoke clogged the place completely. I hid behind Dally the whole time, these people kinda scared me. I carefully followed Dally up the stairs, cautiously scannin my surroundings, the place looked like it been through hell and back. A moment later, we made an abrupt stop; Dally pushed open the door easily, he quickly went in and threw off his leather jacket.

I followed behind him and sat on his bed; i took off my backpack and the large jacket. I took off my shoes and sat criss cross, i placed my elbows on my knees and laid my head in my hands. I heard Dally shufflin through his dresser," I'm going downstairs really quick, you want anything?" I shook my head but mentally hit myself in the face, he was turned around so he couldn't see me,"No. I'm good." He was about to go out the room but stops in front of me for a second then exits the room.

  I just sat there in the same position contemplatin about the same thing that keeps happenin. i usually don't act like this, i try to keep a smile on my face,but i couldn't. This discriminatin thing happens everyday, no matter where, when, why or how, it just happens. I try to ignore it but one of these days i might just lose it.

   I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life. I just want to be accepted, im not a bad person and i dont plan on being one to be accepted. I wish i had Dally's attitude, he can do whatever he wants and not care about anything; he makes it look so easy.

Suddenly the door swung open, Dally had a beer in his hand, he took a swig of it as he closed the door. He walked to his night stand and set the beer on top of it before taking a seat on the bed beside me," D, what's wrong?" I glanced at him and forced a smile," Nothin, i'm fine Dally." He rolled his eyes and sighed," I heard that a million times, you're not fine."

    I slightly bit my bottom lip," It's nothin to worry about." " You've been quiet ever since i seen ya today. Somethin's botherin ya." I kept my mouth closed and stared at my hands," See what I mean." I could feel the tears easing their way out of my eyes, i inhaled through my nose and exhaled out of my mouth. The tears began to trickled down my face," I'm sorry." I choked on my words. I immediately felt Dally grab my hand,"I-I'm just frustrated. I try so hard to ignore people and what they say but it gets to me. I try to be a good christian and let god handle it but i-i just can't." Dally protectively wrapped his arms around me. I gripped onto his shirt and cried my heart out," I can't. I can't." I felt Dally lay his head on top of mine as he squeezed me comfortingly; making me feel safe.