Never ending memories - G.Rhee

19

CHAPTER NINETEEN || WHAT NOW

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Alex groaned as her eyes fluttered open, still lying in the same position she'd fallen asleep in. Glenn's arm still wrapped around her, her head on his chest. Instant regret flooded through her system as she slowly sat up, carefully untangling herself from Glenn's arms and sat on the edge of her bed, Carefully she attempted getting ready, pulling her jeans on Quietly in an attempt not to wake Glenn up, Alex winced pulling a white baggy top over her head as she heard him from beside her.

"where are you going?" his scratchy morning voice echoed through her ears as he turned to face her rubbing his tired eyes, after last night was she really going to leave without waking him up?

"get some food, find out what's the plan for the governor" Alex shrugged reaching for her gun on the table and tucking it into her waistband making Glenn raise a brow.

"you really do need to rest.." he sighed leaning up on his elbow so he could get a better look at the woman he'd had one of the best nights of his life with. he was still worried about her, she needed to rest and heal.

"oh yeah Glenn we did a whole lot of resting last night" Alex walked toward the bed as Glenn sat up bending over to place a gentle kiss on his lips. glenn accepted the kiss before Alex turned to leave.

"you know what I mean.. we need to talk about all of this Alex." Alex sighed running her hand through her hair as she turned to look at him anxiety pooling in her stomach, she hated the fact she was like this, but she couldn't help it. 

"whatever this is" she gestured between the two, Glenn's eyes glued on her, worry he'd embarrassed himself with his actions the night before consuming him.

"We don't tell anyone what's happened, just keep it casual" Alex brushed him off, Glenn sucked in a breath, a hint of sadness washed over his features thinking the previous night had meant as much to Alex as it did to him. He watched as Alex left the room not giving him a second thought as she left him alone. Glenn sighed running his hand down his face as he got up collecting his clothes.

Alex left her Cell a wave of panic washing over her, regret. She couldn't help herself, he was intoxicating. how pure his soul was, the kindness and safety he radiated made alex feel ways she never had before. yet the problems she'd had throughout her life, had drowned her with commitment issues, and trust issues. Her heart ached with regret, something about him was so intoxicating yet she couldn't accept it. accept there was a chance to feel safe and happy in this world.

she couldn't accept it because her brain wouldn't allow it, although she craved the feelings Glenn made her feel she couldn't let herself enjoy it. there was too much uncertainty. she couldn't get used to him being around, not him not anyone. because tomorrow was never promised. she'd learnt that with Lori.

Alex sighed walking out of the cell block, the cluster of pain rushing through her side making each step slightly more difficult than the last as she heard her name. turning she saw her uncle walking toward her, the look of distress in his eyes one that seemed to never leave.

"Alex, are you okay?" He asked as he approached his niece, her heart raced as a slither of panic rushed through her body, what if he'd heard them... he couldn't have.

"yeah, Rick I'm okay." Alex nodded waiting for her uncle to give her orders or explain what his plan was but he didn't, he hugged her. Alex accepted the hug, wrapping his arms around his niece, Lori's niece. Rick's heart ached at the memories their family had shared before the rise of the dead. Alex hugged him, her arms wrapped around her uncle reminding her how much she needed him, and how it wasn't promised he'd be safe...

"with Lori. the baby. i've been so distracted, I shouldn't have let you get hurt. you're family. I'm gonna do everything I can to protect you, Carl and Judith" His words stung Alex's heart as she hugged him tighter the guilt that cling to the tone of his voice. guilt consumed him just as it had to Alex...

"I'm good Rick, focus on your kids I'll do everything I can to help you and them. this family we have here. we have to do everything we can for them... I believe in you Rick, I'll stand by your side no matter what" Alex smiled as the hug broke and the niece-uncle duo looked at each other a small smile tugging at Rick's lips at the words coming from his niece.

"Alex I couldn't protect you then... I let you push me away, everything that happened to you before laid on your shoulders until you met Eli. And he did what I was supposed to. I know I'm not your father, but I should've done better. but I will now." His words warmed her heart, a smile tugging at her lips. this side of Rick was rare. Rare now. Eli.. Rick and Eli had met when Alex came back from deployment. Rick had a private conversation with Eli, Rick had asked her best friend to always be there for her. And Eli vowed he would do anything for Alex. and he did. he always did. until he couldn't anymore.

Eli helped Alex through thick and thin, he knew more about Alex than she did herself. He'd pulled her from the worst of her PTSD attacks, he'd stopped her relapsing, he'd knocked sense into her when she relied on drugs to get through the day, and he had saved her life over and over again. until the very end.

"your more of a father to me than mine ever was. your family, and Eli. you all saved my life. I can't- I can't do the same for Eli. but I can try and do the same for all of you" Alex stated her chest aching for the best friend she never got to say goodbye to. memories of Lori and Eli flashing before her eyes, and that one thought followed, how did she deserve to still be here?

**

Alex had been trying to Ignore the fact Merle was roaming around the prison, the man who had almost killed Glenn, that man who'd triggered her PTSD, she couldn't let it go. every time she saw him that familiar anger flooded her chest just as it did when she'd first laid her eyes on Glenn after Merle had tortured him.

She sat outside her heart racing. Will she ever let it go? This life had caused her so much pain - the loss of Eli, a world without him. It hurt so much. He was the person who grounded her, he was her person. She never wanted to know what it was like to live without him. she never thought she'd have to learn how to live without him or Lori. they deserved so much better, Alex was convinced she was the one who deserved death more than either of them. she'd begun to think about death so much it felt like more of a memory than a thought.

She needed him, she needed Eli, she needed him back even as a ghost, she couldn't just let go of him. every day that passed the grief only got worse, she thought it was supposed to get better but it never did. His advice, she needed it in that moment. She wanted to talk to him about Glenn, and what had just happened with Glenn. She knew what Eli would say. She knew. 

but just because she knew what he would say didn't help she needed to hear him say it, she needed to hear his voice, she wasn't even sure if the voice she remembered was truly his, the voice in her head that shed labelled as Eli's was the only thing that kept her going when she was alone for all those weeks, she'd heard it so much she couldn't tell if it was really his. 

Pulling a crushed cigarette from her pocket along with a lighter that barely worked, she lit the cigarette, holding it to her lips as she inhaled deeply. The smoke drowned in her lungs, slowing her thoughts for a second. What had she done?