THORN LOVE

My life that never was mine

"It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped." —Tony Robbins

~

Kinn's dream is to live a life of simplicity, where he can find the love of his life, get married, raise children, watching them grow and succeed with pride and joy. Not once did he show any interest in acquiring the power or riches of his family. His older brother, Tankhun, was meant to take over the company, so he had a childhood free of responsibilities. Despite his father's difficult personality, he had faith in his ability to live a humble life without letting him down and makes him proud.

One day was all it took for everything to go down; It was a day that haunts him like a shadow. A day he regretted the most. A day he wished he could take back. That day was a turning point that shattered his entire existence.

The day was Sunday, and it was just an ordinary one, but his brother Kuhn was feeling disheartened. Kinn suggested going out and having some fun together. Khun declined, preferring to stay in, but Kinn persisted that it was a date and convinced him to come along. His brother struggled to live up to their father's expectations and demands. Over time, his smile slowly faded away. The weight of the family's obligations on Khun's shoulders fills Kinn with a deep sense of sadness. To Kinn's bewilderment, his father placed more importance on reputation than the happiness of his own children.

They were on their way to the cinema when they had a terrible car accident. Khun died instantly at the scene, while Kinn sustained serious injuries and remained in a coma for three days. No one could have predicted the day would end tragically.

Everything changes after that day. His mother, who once gazed at him with affection, now averts her eyes in disgust; she believed that he was the cause of her son's demise and blamed him for it. The first words Kinn heard upon waking up were Kim's cruel statement, 'You should have died instead'. His father was the only one who didn't utter a word. His silence was more unsettling than anything he could have said. Everyone blames him; nobody gives a damn about how he made it through the terrible accident or how his brother's loss affected him. The accident wasn't even his fault. A semi truck hit them and made their car flip over and crash. But Kinn held himself responsible and wished he had died instead, as Kim had said. He kept telling himself that if he had just let him stayed home, none of this would have occurred. The pain of losing his brother is like a knife twisting in his heart.

The company's future is now in his hands, as his father has chosen him as the successor. He couldn't even refuse. He had no say in the matter; it wasn't as if he had a choice. Despite the opposition from his mother and younger brother, Korn remained resolute in his determination to make him succeed as the CEO.

Then he met Tawan. When he was feeling low and lost, Tawan was the one who stood by his side and gave him strength. He was a beacon of hope during his darkest day. His unwavering support was a lifeline, giving him the courage to carry on. As time passed, their platonic friendship blossomed into a romantic relationship. Despite his love for him, his father disapproved their relationship. He clearly stated that it was obligatory to wed someone of his position, and he didn't hesitate to use Tawan's safety as a bargaining chip to accomplish his goal. His father took advantage of the accident, weaponizing it to keep Kinn under his control. He was trapped by his guilt, even though he knew the situation was cruel and unjust. He broke up with Tawan as he have no choice. His father for sure won't leave Tawan alone; he has enough power to destroy him, and Kinn was aware of the extent his father will go to get everything he wants.

After his breakup with Tawan, Kinn start dating Porsche as his father wanted. The moment he met him, he felt something he never felt before; Porsche was different. He found himself entranced by the angelic smile, hyper energy, and carefree attitude. And Porsche loves him so much. His family was unlike his in various ways. The depth of their care for Porsche is immeasurable, and he means the world to them. Kinn has been welcomed into Porsche family with open arms and they love him deeply. His conflicted emotions make him feel guilty as his mind tells him he loves Tawan, while his heart yearns for Porsche. He asked himself if his feelings for Tawan were a mere attachment, but he avoided thinking about it any further.

But Porsche controlled everything in him, and he tries his best to not fall for him, but his sincere heart won him over. Kinn loves Porsche more than anyone he has ever loved. His heart was captured by someone he shouldn't love, but he fell for him with all his might. It filled him with guilt once again for not being able to be true to Tawan. But he couldn't t help it; the heart wants what it wants. Kinn was so in love and happy that Tawan became a distant memory. He was prepared for life with the man he loved wholeheartedly. Their two year dating was the most happiest time of his life.

Happy until Tawan appears again.

Before he got married, Tawan came to see him. The Tawan he saw was unlike the Tawan he knew. He seems to be shattered, unwell, and disoriented. Tawan told him the tragic news of losing his parents and being unable to get through to him. As he listened to the story of his father's passing just a year prior, and now his mother's recent death, his heart felt heavy with sorrow. Kinn, who values family deeply, is heartbroken to see his ex, who stood by him during his difficult times. When he needed him the most, he was not there for him. Instead, he loves another. Tawan has made an effort to contact him but, Kinn ignored  his call. Knowing the reason now made him feel remorseful.

Kinn had experienced the heartache of losing a loved one firsthand. He knew the sorrow that death could inflict upon the ones left behind. Tawan's experience of going through this alone, with the loss of both his parents, has weakened him. Tawan pleaded once more for him not to abandon him. He has declared that his life is meaningless if he does not have Kinn. He is all alone, with no one by his side except him. Kinn's hands are tied since his wedding has already been set; a marriage with the person he loves. He knew that revealing his love for Porsche would cause irreparable damage to Tawan, so he kept it to himself. He couldn't get back to him, and the guilt he felt for his brother's death couldn't make him turn his back on his family. Kinn felt shattered and defeated. He felt as though life was toying with him, like a puppet on a string.

Tawan, who stood by him and uplifted him, transformed him into the person he is today.

Porsche who loves him with no bound and whom he loves back dearly.

His family whom he felt guilty for taking away their sunshine, leaving them in a state of constant sadness.

He doesn't know what to do. He realized his life was never truly his; he will never be able to live the life he desires and be happy in this lifetime. So he did what he can. His sense of guilt drives him to choose his family and Tawan. But kinn won't ever be the same again. His love for Porsche will remain rooted in his heart, imprisoned and unattainable. He repeatedly told himself that he was unworthy of love and incapable of loving another. He was forced to hurt Porsche, leaving him with no other choice but to make him hate him. If Porsche can hate him, it will make it easier for him.

Tawan was okay with having him like this, but he didn't know how long he could keep it up. But he couldn't turn his back on Tawan. Tawan understood why he can't be with him; he knew Kinn father will never accept him. Still, having Kinn next to him was the only thing he asked for, so he granted him that. Tawan only had his empty shell of a body, not his heart. Even though it was a secret, and don't know what their future will be like, they just stay with each other.

*** 

The theme of this chapter is about guilt, emotional manipulation, and sense of being indebted. Hope this help to understand Kinn side.I hope you enjoy this chapter. Just to clarify this POV is within the idea when Kinn didn't knew about Porsche knowledge of his relation with Tawan.