THORN LOVE

Unforgettable past

"The past is never dead. It's not even past." ―William Faulkner, Requiem for a Nun.

~

Loving someone who is not yours is like a constant tug-of-war between hope and despair. It's like being trapped in quicksand, the more you struggle, the more suffocating the feeling becomes. As soon as Miles heard about Porsche's father's death, he felt compelled to rush to his side and be there for him. He tried his hardest to get a hold of Porsche, but it was impossible. Although he wanted to be there for him through thick and thin, he was not allowed to. There's nothing else he can do but wait.

Then he met him. Porsche appears on his own for a brief moment. Although it takes time, he really did. And it wasn't the Porsche he knew and he understood why. It's never easy for anyone to lose a parent. The experience leaves you feeling raw, like an open wound. Then a few weeks later, he went to the Porsche office to see him, and his heart broke into a million pieces. As he made his way inside, he saw Porsche with Kinn walking together. Porsche was seen smiling, or at least it looked that way. That hurts him. It's not strange that his husband was next to him, yet the pain remains the same.

And just like that, he was gone. Porsche vanished suddenly, as if he was never been there in the first place. Five months passed without a word from him, and each day felt longer than the last. In hindsight, he realized that getting close to him was a mistake because the pain of loving him was too much to bear. He doesn't fault him, but it's challenging to remain oblivious to everything happening in his beloved's life.

The realization of his place in Porsche life was a bitter pill to swallow. It was wrong for him to kiss him that day. It was something he regrets the most. Still, he keeps the picture they took on their outing in his wallet. He held onto those memories tightly, knowing they were the only thing that belonged solely to him.

Now, they meet occasionally. Precisely, Mile's heart couldn't handle being close to him again. He kept a safe distance from him, as much as his heart allowed him to. It's not that he doesn't miss him. He missed him so much that he spent countless sleepless nights thinking about him, but he had to accept the fact that Porsche was back with his husband, trying to work things out.

Well, he was never truly his, but the man still managed to steal his heart, leaving him feeling empty. In need of escape, he found himself drowning his sorrows in alcohol at his friend's bar. Oh, the new thing he got himself is smoking.

He started smoking incessantly, as if trying to create his own personal cloud. Lin was unsettled by the drastic changes that occurred in Miles over the year. He had foreseen this outcome and had warned him to stop before it shattered him.

"You're really fueling the tobacco industry," Lin observed, taking a seat beside him.

Mile sat outside the back of the bar reading the article about Kinn and Porsche recent interview. The music and light overwhelmed him, so he went outside for fresh air. The place was accessible only to employees, which made its quietness perfect for him.

"You're starting to sound like my mother," Mile said, flicking ash from his cigarette. He puts his phone away when he heard Lin voice, but Lin saw what he was staring at.

"I can order food. What do you want to eat?" Lin asked. Mile has been drinking since earlier, and judging by the way he looks, its likely he hasn't been eating properly.

"I'm good," Mile replied, his gaze fixed on the sky as he took a long drag on his cigarette.

Lin signed heavily, a deep sense of frustration evident in his body language.

"It's been a year, you know. Time to call it quits,"

Mile couldn't help but chuckle. True. But nothing has changed for him even after a year. No matter how hard he tries, he can't forget him. All he hopes for is that he finds happiness and it seems that Porsche is happy lately. That's what he thinks, at least. It was difficult for him to read articles and news reports about his marriages; it felt like salt on his wound. However, he knew that he had to respect his decision.