THORN LOVE

How to unlove

"The love that you withhold is the pain that you carry." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson.

~

Falling in love can be a thrilling, yet tumultuous journey that is filled with the exhilaration of falling head over heels, the agony of heartache, and the bittersweet taste of both hope and disappointment.

Mile never meant to fall in love with him. Their initial meeting was an unfortunate rendezvous. He would have done the same for anyone about what he did for Porsche that night. It was fortuitous that they met again, but when he called his name with a smile on that bar that night, it felt like a cage closing around him. Porsche was the epitome of male beauty, and he couldn't take his eyes off him. Even though he was drunk and sad, his presence had a hypnotic effect on him. But that's where he should have stopped. He saw the ring when they first met; he was taken. Porsche once told him that his husband wasn't his to love. That really makes him sad and what is sadder is it might be true to him to. Porsche might not be his to love, but the moment they met, he felt like he had stumbled into a maze with no way out.

Anyone can tell what he's feeling is wrong, but still he wished he can have him. Missing him every moment when he's not next to him. It makes him anxious when he doesn't hear his voice. He had unknowingly let Porsche take over every aspect of his life. He was wholly consumed by him, which is why it was agonizing for him to see Porsche rushing away to his husband. The way Porsche left was like a sharp sting, even though he knew he shouldn't feel that way. It hurt because he ran to the person who had hurt him and didn't deserve him. Even though he begged him to stay, he still left.

Beneath Porsche's sorrow and feelings of betrayal, lay the certainty that he loved his husband in spite of everything. That mere fact alone elicits jealousy and fury within him. He is angry with himself for feeling this way when he knows he has no right to. Porsche is not his. He is a married man who has responsibilities and commitments to his own family. The way how his heart felt closer to him but he is far distance away left him with a sense of hopelessness.

Mile headed home soon after Porsche left. Hours had passed, and he was still sitting in his car. He was eagerly waiting for Porsche's call and kept glancing at his phone. He promised to call him, but it has been four hours without any word.

He was deep in thought when a knock on the window interrupted him. As he turned his head, there was Lin, standing beside his car with a smile on his. He pressed the button on the door lock control and unlocked the passenger door for him.

"Why you looking like......? Lin stopped when he noticed a flower and a wrapped gift box on the passenger seat. "oh got flower and what's this box?" Picking up the gift, he settled it on the passenger seat.

"Hi," Mile said, with a barely noticeable smile on his face.

"You don't seem happy to see me. Bummer!...Why are you sitting there looking so gloomy?" Lin asked, eyeing the wrapped gift he is holding.

He saw the flower and instantly understood the situation, yet he asked his friend to explain what was going on. He had sent a text earlier, inviting him to his bar, but Mile had declined. "Tell me, what's going on?"

Mile at the moment, want to be alone and that's why he didn't want to go to his bar earlier when he texted him.

"Nothing." Mile took the flower and box from Lin and threw them onto the back seat. Lin raised an eyebrow in response.

"Clearly not," Lin said as he turned to glance at the back seat. "Come on, I'm your friend. Tell me what happened? Is it about the guy you mentioned last time?"

There was a long pause as Miles gathered his thoughts, trying to find the right words. He never found it easy to confide in his friend. This emotional complexity he is experiencing is a sensitive topic to bring up as well. Although he is sociable and approachable, his natural inclination is to be a good listener.