You'll remember me

43. You Are The Pain In My Heart!

One month later.

Venice.

I hear a guttural, animal moan in my ear. No, wait. That's me. It takes me a few seconds to figure it out. I open one eye. I focus on the window and realize it's already day. I don't know how I got home last night. I don't remember much. But my head warns that it will burst, and that means I was drunk again. I feel like someone's hitting my head with a baseball bat. I think I was in a bar, and the bartender and I became great friends when I pulled out a solid amount of money and told him to pour.

I roll over on my back and stretch lazily. My whole body hurts and I feel nauseous. I get up a bit and then I notice Pa Pete sitting on a chair by the garden door reading a book.

- Did you finally wake up? - he says without looking at me, turning the page.

I get up and lean on the head of the bed. I feel terrible. The taste in my mouth sucks.

- Good Morning. - I say, but my voice comes out like an ugly grunt.

- It's 6 O'clock in the afternoon, Venice. It'll be a little dark. -there's an accusatory note in Pa Pete's voice. - But I should be glad to see you at all. It's been your daily routine lately. At night you drink until you're unconscious and make Natt pick you up from bars. And during the day, you sleep and try to sober up.

- Pa, don't exaggerate. - I say and rub my head. - I'm just a teenager living my life. I'm just like everyone else.

- You're not everyone, Venice. – Pa Pete puts the book down and looks at me. There's anger and a little disappointment in his eyes that I've never seen when he looks at me. - You're my son. That's not who you are. What's going on with you? You haven't been yourself lately. Look at you. - he screams and waves his hands at me. I'm looking around. My clothes are crumpled and one of my hands is bandaged. It was healed from the last time, but I guess I fought again yesterday. - Look what you look like, boy. You're in a terrible state. You smell like alcohol for miles. There's blood all over the floor, and your face is purple. Who are you and where is my son? - he was tired of shouting. Desperate at the view in front of him. I close my eyes for a few seconds. It's not his fault. My parents did everything they could to raise me well. It's just my way of dealing with the problem.

- Where's Rain? - he asks quietly, as if he's shooting me in the heart.The heart takes one shot, then another. Looks like it's still working. It's still there. I haven't felt it much in the last month. It was like it had stopped beating. It was like he was gone with the beautiful, damn boy. But now, at the mention of his name, the terrible pain came back with him. It goes slowly into my whole body and stops right in my chest on the left.

- It's none of your business. - I speak rudely and force myself out of bed.

- It's him, isn't it? - ask my Pa and crosses his hands. I don't pay attention to him. I take off my shirt, then my pants. - What happened to you two? Answer me.

- I'm gonna take a shower, Pa. - I'm opening the bathroom door.

- You're ruining yourself, Venice. Did you ruin him before that? he asks, and I hold myself in place. His words tear me to pieces, almost kill me.

- Fine. - I hear his voice behind me, and seconds later he's already left my room.

I go into the bathroom and lean on the sink. I look in the mirror. I look like a crumpled piece of shit. I have a lot of bruises on my face and each has a different shade of purple. One of my eyebrows is cracked, and so is my lower lip. I still remember my mother's words. Did I really do that? Did I really ruin him? I had ruined everything between us. Just to calm my conscience. Because I didn't want him to suffer when he was with me. I didn't want anyone to suffer. I thought I made the right decision. For both of us. But then why do I feel like a hole in my chest, like I've been ripped apart from the inside? Why haven't I been able to sleep for a month now, blaming myself for making a mistake? Why did I feel like I was so dependent on this guy that I didn't know who I was anymore? He had changed me to such an extent that I did not know to wonder any more at the strength of my feelings, or that such a thing had ever happened to me. But now I knew I had fallen in love with this boy. So much so that there was no escape. Pa Pete was right. I fell in love and then I ruined him.