𝐫𝐮𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐫, 𝗲𝗺𝗶𝗹𝘆 𝗽𝗿𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗶𝘀𝘀

𝟏𝟏𝟕

"𝙳𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚆𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝙼𝚎?"
ᴀᴜᴛʜᴏʀ
𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘴𝘴' 𝘢𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵

tw: conversation about suicide/suicidal thoughts

"NERVOUS?" Emily asks as she brushes through Noah's hair.

"No, why would I be nervous?" The teen replies as she watches her mother curl a small section of her hair.

"Because this is your first school dance and you're going with your first girlfriend," Emily chimes.

"Girlfriend?"

"Yeah," Emily replies. "What? I'm not allowed to say that?"

"We haven't really talked about that yet," Noah says as she shakes her head.

"How has everything else been?" Emily asks, deciding to change the subject.

"Everything else?"

"Yeah, you know, your well-being," Emily says. "It's a mother's job to make sure her kid is okay."

"I'm fine."

Emily peers at Noah through the mirror. Even looking at Emily's eyes through a reflection is hard for her. The mother knows that she is lying. She slowly turns the teen around and stares into her eyes for a moment. Noah can feel the tension, Emily knows something that she does not want her to.

"Is there a reason your wet clothes are in the washer and smell like you jumped into a lake?"

"What?" Noah asks as her eyes meet her mother's. Emily glares back at her, knowing that she heard her question. "I don't know."

"You don't know?" Emily tuts. "C'mon, that's the worst excuse. What happened?"

"I went to the lake," Noah shrugs.

"When?"

"This morning," The teen replies.

"This morning? Why did you go to the lake this morning? And why were your clothes wet?"

"Because I went to the lake and a lake has water in it."

"Why were you in the water?" Emily questions her. "Noah, if you're struggling, I need you to tell me—"

"What?" Noah cuts her mother off. "I didn't jump in—wait. You think I jumped in to hurt myself? Emily, I wouldn't do that."

"That's what anyone would say," Emily says. "I don't think anyone ever thinks they could do it. I don't think anyone wants to do it either, but when people struggle, it can build and it can seem like the only way out."

"I don't need a way out," Noah says, honestly peering into her mother's eyes. "I went to the dock because I was...happy."

The teen stops speaking as she thinks to herself. It is hard for her to explain herself. It is almost embarrassing how bad it can get. She wishes she did not have to tell Emily everything, but she has to be honest with her.

"After I got the acceptance for the guest speaker, I felt like everything was falling into place again. And the only reason that I spiral after everything's fine is because of what happened in the past. I couldn't push it away. But I talked to Dr. Stephenson and he said that I had to realize that it's not my responsibility to remember anymore. It's not my responsibility to keep any little shred of my family put together. So I went to the lake," Noah pauses as she grabs her phone off the counter and shows Emily a picture. "When I was younger, my Dad used to take me to the lake. We would go fishing and it would just be the two of us. It was the place where we could relax together."