Divergent souls || 2

Twenty seven

CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN ⇆ ROWAN
Void.
That's exactly what I'm feeling, emptiness is itching its way through my whole body, at this point, it feels as if everything I tried to convince myself that I overcame is a lie.

Because here I'm, just when I was a step away from winning Angelina, that moment was enough for that, she'd understand what happened, she would, I knew it, but I lost her.

Again.

I fidget with the ink pen in front of me, "I didn't expect you to come here again after last session." Serena observes, leaning back in her seat as she adjusts her glasses.

Looking at me with her usual blank expression, "Yeah well, I fucked up." I point out the obvious, she grunts under her breath and I narrow my eyes swiftly, "Again." I smile, bitterly.

Feeling the self-hatred I've tried to push for years gain its power all over again, and starts to take over my goddamn mind, spilling in every thought of mine, it's crazy how an incident is enough to change the way I view myself.

But if it does, does that mean that I even overcame that? Lovely, so I didn't, I'm still at point one, just rotated a couple of times around of it.

"Where should we start?" She asks, voice neutral and not giving away what she feels about my comment, my therapist was one of the closest people in my life years ago, I think that gives off how fucking lonely I was, when in reality I appeared the exact opposite, yeah well, life is a lie.

A big ass one, "Where we left off." I suggest, knowing what's the topic gonna be about, "And what was that? Remind me." She remembers damn well, the woman just has some weird tactics in her work.

"It was when I lost Angelina and everything was fucked up in my life, spoiler alert, we're at it again." I say sarcastically, let's say that she hates sarcasm, because the only reaction I get is from it, she arches a judgmental brow and i roll my eyes.

"What happened?" She asks, casually, I embrace myself with a harsh breath and throw the outer details at her, leaving the big bomb for the end, "She has no right if that's the case, if she didn't understand the situation then by all means, the woman doesn't deserve you, I'm sorry." She apologizes.

I hold up a finger, "Uh huh, just wait, the story isn't over yet, The best part is coming up." I explain, she narrows her eyes, "Sarcasm is a main coping mechanism that usually attempt to disguise anger, fear or even love, I can see through your barriers if that's the reason behind the mocking." She speaks robotically.

Siri speaks more friendly than her, if that even makes sense, i absorb her words, "I'm afraid to say that I need medical treatments for it, it's severe, I've had it for years now." I'm serious actually, I cannot imagine how life would be without sarcasm.

Sounds dark.

"Hilarious." Her face stays blank, "The point is...see how you love sidetracking me? That's not how therapists should work." I add just to piss her off, I bet she'll throw the snarkiest reply in my face now.

"I know my work just fine, if you really want me to be professional then starting off, leave the fucking pen cause I'm a step away from being blinded by it, secondly, you look like you're on the verge of snapping, thirdly and most importantly, you should've listened to your therapist's advices, since that's her work and she knows better." She actually adds a smile at the end of this.

One tugs at my lips too, but it soon vanishes when the sadness in my body swallow it whole, "Past tense, currently, I can't do anything to change it." She's saying that since I left her when I thought I was recovered, fully, perfectly.

Basically it was a wrong decision and let's say that I agree with her, I thought I was okay cause i let everything out, it felt like the weight have been lifted off my chest, but I didn't recover fully, there were changes of course, but still, the voices still screamed in my head, they were just dimmed.

Currently, I can't hear anything but them, "Okay tell me." She adds, adjusting her glasses again, "Don't judge her too fast, I didn't tell her anything, I couldn't, the moment I opened my mouth, just silence, nothing came out, it felt like my body froze over, and it felt like I saw all my chances crumbling over the floor."'I cringe at the dramatic explanation.

That's why I hate speaking about my feelings, that vulnerability always made me feel like such a weak person, maybe in days that I'm not feeling this down, I would believe that I'm actually a really strong person, with everything I faced.

Right now, not so much.

I failed at the only thing I cared about, the only person I cared about, it sounds like obsession, and maybe it is, an addiction, I don't give a fuck.

She absorbs my words with small nods, straightening as she scrapes some shit on her notebook, I stare at the wall facing her desk, ignoring my continuous thoughts.

I'm still at her apartment, but when I woke up, she left me a note saying that she's on her daily run, when I was jogging downstairs I found her walking up to me, the eye contact didn't last a second, but the look I saw in those green eyes isn't forgettable.

It's one I saw years ago too, disappointment, sadness, dull, it tore any hope I had left, but eventually, we'll have to interact, those goddamn interactions will be awkward as hell.

But it seems as if the universe is against us, we'll need to be face to face since her phone is with Ezekiel, we'll meet them a couple of days later, but well, until that happens, I'm stuck with Angelina.

Physically and emotionally, with her, it's more complicated than any relationship I watched fall apart, sometimes I don't just miss the Angelina I've always been in love, No.

I miss the girl who'd climb through my window to help me study even though I was older than her, I miss the girl who'd warm my bed and sleep in my arms, I miss the girl whose smile was enough to brighten up my whole day. I miss my best friend, she was my friend first.

So now, I lost both my best friend and the love of my life.

Again.

"I think that happened due to numerous factors." She starts but her voice drifts off in the background, telling me about how anxious I must have been, only one sight keeps flashing in my eyes, when Angelina stared at me, with tears in her eyes, tears of knowing that I failed her.

The same words keep repeating in my mind, the words she said, and only one word pops up in my mind, and stays there all day.

Failure.

I love my baby, it hurts to know that both their povs are understandable 😫.
A vote is really appreciated.
SO CLOSE TO THE TRUTH.