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chapter sixty-six
*13 years ago, third persons pov*
autumn leaves slowly fall from their branches, decorating the path.
"what if i fall?" a 5 year old y/n asks her mother. she has been attempting to ride a bike on her own for an hour now.
"you might fall, but you'll be okay. mommy's here"
y/n's mother dabs away at her tears with her sleeve, removing the training wheels of her bicycle in the process.
"i'm scared" she frowns, rosy cheeks swollen from the cold. tears coat her dark lashes as they roll down her cheeks.
"everything will be okay, darling. just try your hardest for me" she gives her a little push and y/n starts to pedal, finally managing to ride the bike on her own.
"i did it mommy!" y/n exclaims in excitement.
"yeah you did!" she climbs off the bike, jumping up into her arms. her mother lifts her up into the air and wraps her arms around her.
"you'll be here forever with me, right mommy?"
her mothers lips gently fall, forming a light smile.
"of course, we'll be together forever"
-
"what are you doing out of bed?"
"for the love of god, i need to pee" mom rolls her eyes playfully and i laugh.
"i'm just making sure"
i've been sat beside my mother for almost 24 hours since my father told me she was admitted to hospital. i haven't slept a wink, or eaten anything, i'm focused on making sure she's comfortable.
i've been trying to play out all the possible scenarios in my head of how i will live my life without her.
scenario 1: i will grieve like a normal person and move on with my life.
scenario 2: i will curl up into a ball and cry all day long for the rest of my life.
scenario 3: i will be mad at her for leaving me way too early.
scenario 2 sounds the most appealing right now.
"what are you thinking about?" chan places his hand on my shoulder, pulling me from my thoughts.
he hands me a pudding cup from the hospital cafeteria.
"eat" he motions towards the cup, and i shake my head.
"i'm not hungry"
"i don't care, eat"
"fine" i stuff the spoon in my mouth, swallowing quickly.
"happy?" he smiles and nods, taking a seat.
"where's your mom?"
"bathroom" i tell him. chan dropped everything he was doing to come stay with me at the hospital. he really is a good friend.
the message, "have you eaten today?" comes through to my phone.
i've read that same message about 7 times today. "god, why does everyone care so much about whether or not i've eaten?"
"well believe it or not, we care about you" my dad says as he steps into the room with pillows and blankets. my father's eyes are swollen, evidence of tears.
my mother steps out of the bathroom, her eyes landing on her husband.
she makes her way over to him slowly and throws her arms over his shoulders, nuzzling her face into his neck.
"my love"
it doesn't register in my mind that these are the last few moments of my parents together that i'll see. i can't accept that, i won't.
"i can't believe you didn't tell me you've been on chemo for the past couple months. how could you keep something like that from me? and better yet, how did i not notice?"
"i didn't want you to worry, i didn't want anyone to worry. i need you all to move on with your lives as quickly as possible when i'm gone. i can't be the reason your lives are paused." a lump forms in my throat at her words.
"that's why-" my mother's words falter as she slowly collapses onto the bed behind her.
"mom!" i rush over to her, yelling for the nurse as my dad tries to shake her awake.
three nurses rush into the room, ordering us to back away and let them deal with the situation. chan tries to pull me away as tears blur my vision.
is she leaving me right now? but i'm not ready yet.
this world doesn't make sense without her in it.
i watch as they attach her to all this medical equipment, conversing with one another in doctor. is that really gonna help? maybe she's already dead and they're just trying to offer us hope.
my father's screams and cries tighten the knot in my stomach. it twists and stiffens with each sob.
everything feels numb now.
i take a step out of the hospital room, falling to my knees on the cold tile floor. maybe if i close my eyes and think of something pretty, i'll wake up from this nightmare.
-
my eyes hazily move across the room as they flutter open. i'm at home. am i dreaming?
"y/n? thank god" it's chan. he sighs in relief, helping me sit up.
"how did i get here? where's my mom?"
"i brought you here after you fainted. and your mom, she's okay. but the doctors instructed us to leave because she needs to be well rested. your dad is still at the hospital with her though"
"oh" in the silence of the empty house, i feel the weight of her absence. it's settling in, that feeling, knowing that her time is almost up.
"it's too painful."
"you know i'm here for you y/n. anything you need. i'm here."
"i know." a single tear slips from my eye.
"i have to go home but please, call me if you need me"
all of a sudden rain starts to pick up, drops hitting the surface in loud clashes. chan leaves, i watch through the window as he rushes to his car to avoid getting soaked in the rain.
the ring of the doorbell breaks the awful silence.
i slowly rise from the couch, making my way to the front door. i place my hand on the doorknob, pulling it towards me.
"y/n"
i knew i was dreaming. this isn't real life, it can't be.
"y/n, please say something"
i'm rooted to the spot.
he stares right at me, tears welling in his eyes. suitcase in one hand, a takeaway bag in the other.
i don't know what to feel, or what to think. i have thought about the moment we would see each other again over and over, it has been consuming my thoughts for months. but i hadn't imagine it would play out like this.
the edges of his figure are hazy in my vision. but he's here, i've realised that now. i'm not dreaming.
