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chapter sixty-nine
it's a mixed feeling, grief. it leaves you feeling empty, yet full. there's a hollow feeling inside, like a missing part of me, or a hole that needs filling. but at the same time i'm full of sorrow and misery and sadness all at once.
my mother passed away at 8:27pm last night. the doctors said that she wasn't in any pain when she did, but i doubt they were being truthful. it doesn't ease the pain any less, anyway.
thankfully my father and i were by her side in her final moments.
she fought, she fought her killer the best she could although she lost in the end. it was a battle worth fighting, and she gave her all.
it's unfair how your whole world can crumble around you within a moment. just one second as a life slips away. everything shifts, everything changes, everything is different.
*yesterday morning, before her passing*
-
i sigh, glancing to my right to see hyunjin fast asleep beside me. sunlight is streaming in through the windows, reflecting on his skin.
i sit up, taking a sip of the water beside me. hyunjin's hoodie is at the end of the bed, so i grab at and throw it over my head.
i climb out of bed as quietly as i can and make my way downstairs. my father is sitting at the kitchen island, his head in his hands.
"hey dad" i press a kiss to his temple, and he looks up at me, smiling.
"sleep well?" he asks, but i nod, despite what i'm actually thinking. i was thinking about my soon to be dead mother.
"yes. when did you leave the hospital?" i question, taking a seat next to him.
"this morning, the doctors told me to get some rest, but i didn't want to leave her side. but your mother woke up for a few minutes and forced me to go, knowing you can't take care of yourself" he laughs at that last part, and i roll my eyes.
"dad, of course i can! i'm an adult. you don't have to worry about me" i reassure him.
"if i leave you alone you'll survive on instant ramen and sodas" he turns his head towards me with an actual smile on his face, an actual smile i haven't seen in a while. his beard is still scruffy and patchy, and his hair is outgrown and needs a refresh, but he smiled, and that's all that matters.
"that's true, but it's still food."
"did they tell you.. how long she has left?"
my father gulps, sighing out. his frown returns.
"any day now" he shuts his eyes, and i place my hand in his, squeezing gently.
the thought of it alone makes me want to throw up. the thought of my father waking up, turning to kiss his wife good morning, then realising that she's not there, and that she never will be leaves an unsettling feeling in my stomach.
