Jezebel |h.s|

Forty Six

Isabella

Harry sat with me to tell Katerina and Brynn that I relapsed. It was hard to admit it, especially to Kat since she was always so supportive of my sobriety. There were a lot of tears shed, but it did feel good to tell them the truth. The guilt was eating me alive and definitely sending me on a worse spiral.

They agreed not to make me go to rehab again, but they're going to be on me about going to AA meetings. I definitely need it though, so I didn't push back.

Once the hard part was over, Harry left to go home and make sure Ottie was okay. As hard as it was letting him go, I did. I couldn't let my fear of falling into that cycle with him take over. I have to at least try to trust him again.

After he left, the girls and I spent the rest of the day finding all my stashes and throwing them away. I know that they weren't judging me, but I was still ashamed that I was hiding my problem from them. With every bottle that was pulled out of a secret location in my room, I felt even worse. I know recovery is going to be hell, but I've done it once, I can do it again.

All the while, Chris never reached out to check on me. I know it was stupid of me to hope that he would, but I did. Bad habits don't just go away overnight, and after throwing out all my drugs and alcohol, it's not lost on me that he's the only way I'd have access to those things again. It hurts that he won't even text me to ask where I am.

As much as he'll deny it, Chris is scared of Harry. He knows he has power and influence. Harry has been witness to things that could get Chris thrown into prison. He'd rather lay low and let me seek him out than check in. He'd have plausible deniability should I crawl back to him.

Throughout the week, my anxiety grows. The longer I go without drinking, the more I crave the burn of tequila mixed with the high that cocaine gives me. The stronger the craving, the less I believe in myself that I can get past this. Kat, Brynn and even Harry try to be encouraging, but ultimately it's up to me to stay sober. This is my journey, I have to want to get better. And I do.

I want to be the woman that they think I could be. I want to get better so that Harry could see me as a role model for Ottilie again. Hell, for all the girls at the studio to respect me. I want to move past this part of my life and try to be happy.

At the same time, I can't help but feel like a failure for ruining almost three years of sobriety. I couldn't even keep it together to reach three years, why do I think it would work out now?

Since Melissa has been staying at Harry's, he comes to check on me at night. He always brings something. First it was flowers, the next night he brought dinner, just little things to make me smile. I've missed him so much and I'm working on letting him in again.

Even though he knows me better than most people, I've definitely closed up again. The relationship that we had before Adriana came back was beautiful and meaningful, but it could never be that again. It's been hard coming to terms with that, especially since I crave the safety and comfort of what we used to be. But now things are different, and different is not always a bad thing. We just have to grieve what our relationship used to be, but look toward the future with hope.

He understands that too. He's not trying to recreate what our relationship used to be, instead he's making an effort to right his wrongs and show that he's serious. He knows that I have new expectations in this relationship, as well as new needs. The same goes for him. He's trying to figure this out just as much as I am. But we're determined to at least try and make it work.

Our first priority is my sobriety. Over everything, we both know that I need to be in a good place before throwing myself into a serious relationship again. Our second, the divorce.