LOVESHINE | NIKKI SIXX

180

same photo from a couple chapters ago but in color
BELLA
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"I DIDN'T do anything I promise," he pants, "I swear to God."

"You're an Atheist Nikki, swearing to God loses its meaning when you don't believe in him," I pace around, "oh my God where are the kids?"

"Bella I promise you he offered and I refused okay?"

"Nikki! Stop following me," he takes a deep breath and walks away.

Tommy continued to follow me as I started to cry. "I'm sorry Belle."

"It's fine," I go through the door that says exit in bright red letters and end up on the roof. The wind blew my hair around and now seems like the perfect time to ask, "do you have a cigarette?"

"Yeah," he hands me one, "you need a light?"

"Please," he lights the cigarette and I take my first drag, "haven't had one of these in awhile," I explain, "I did smoke a joint at my nieces 18th birthday though."

"I'm sorry about all this," he says, "it amazes me that you married this man."

"Well when I married him I thought he had been done with all this," Courtney Loves voice sang down below at some party that teenagers were having in the parking lot, "I don't know what I'm gonna do Tommy, I told him if I caught him doing any drugs I would have no hesitation to take the kids and go home but I don't know if I wanna do that at this second."

"You can do whatever you want but we need a stage manager," Tommy says while taking the cigarette.

"I might do this one last night and just leave right after," I was conflicted and felt bad for being conflicted. I should want to leave, for the kids, "Wait!"

Tommy jumps as I stand up, "Why am I sitting here with you?"

"What do you mean?" He blows smoke through his nostrils.

"You supplied him with drugs," I point to him and stand up, "why am I still here?"

"How did you know that?" He furrowed his eyebrows.

"Nikki told me!" I ran out and went straight to the booth and just stayed there.

"Hey," Pam came in.

"What're you doing here?" I cross one leg over the other "sorry that sounded rude."

"It's no problem," she smiles, "can I sit up here? I was gonna be up front but I can't deal with that many people right now."

"Go ahead," I smile.

"How are the kids?" She asks.

"They're good, getting big, Gunners gonna start kindergarten in the fall," I explain since she hasn't seen them in awhile.

"Wow! I can't wait to have kids one day," she says.

"They're great, I didn't think I was every going to have kids," I tell her while smoking another cigarette.

"Really? Why?" She smiles.

"I'm infertile," I press my lips together.

"Oh wow," she says sympathetically, "How did you end up with 2?"

"Well Gunner isn't biologically mine and Storm was a surprise, my doctor told me it would be hard for me to get pregnant and I had a higher risk of death during childbirth. Before Storm I got pregnant with another kid, it was right before Nikki and I had broken up for the second time, a month into the pregnancy my doctor told me that if I stayed pregnant it would kill me. It was either both me and the baby died or I get an abortion. I still feel terrible for having to do that but it was for health related reasons."

Pamela held her hand to her mouth in shock. "Oh God, that's terrible." I don't know what put me in the mood to overshare but it happened.

"It felt terrible, emotionally. The worst part is that the pregnancies were far enough apart for me to have still had Storm," I turn my head to her, "I'm sure you'll have kids someday."
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My radio was brought up to me and I ran the show. I tried to focus on my actual job but the thought of what happened mostly fogged my mind.

Nikki made eye contact with me, he would smile, blew me a couple kisses. I didn't reciprocate anything, he had pissed me off, I for sure looked like a bitch to Pam but it didn't matter. As of now I am angry and he needs to know I am angry.

"Are you mad at him?" She asks.

"Yeah kind of," I heavily sigh.

"Kind of mad or really mad?"

"Really mad." I squint as I look at the stage.

"Why might I ask?"

"I don't think I should tell you."
-
The second we loaded up I went into the bus and started packing my shit, "Come on Gunner, get your stuff. I'm going to get Storms stuff."

"Where are we going?" Gunner asks, he was very confused and for a good reason.

"Home," I tell him.

"Is Daddy coming?" He asks.

"No he isn't," I continue to pack.

"How are we getting there?" He asks.

"I will buy tickets for a Greyhound," he was about to speak again, "Just get packing okay?"

Our clothes weren't even folded before stuffing them into our bags. Whenever we leave for a new city I always make sure to separate the clean clothes from the dirty ones. Today, that was going out the window.

The laughter from the guys approached and then they opened the door. Nikki stopped where he was.

"What're you doing Bella?" He asks and I continued to pack.

"Getting my shit together then we're leaving," I say, "Gunner don't forget your shirt."

"Don't get my son to pack!" He raised his voice.

"Oh now he's your son?" I ask.

"It's not like your his biological mother," I froze for a second.

"Well it's better he's with me than with your if you're gonna keep snorting coke," he grabbed my shoulder.

"Bella please stop packing."

"Bella he didn't do anything," John butts in, "I offered but he didn't take it."

"Isabella, please, let's just take this outside," he tilts his head to the side in a pleading way, my head turns to look at everyone in the room. Once Gunner and Storm make eye contact with me I fold.

"Okay."

He puts his hand on the small of my back and we go a little past the bus. "Was what John said true?"

"I haven't done anything since that one day," he faced me and grabbed my hands.

"Either way, I don't think it's safe for the kids to be around this. You're band mates are still using," I say, "I just don't want them doing it around the kids."

"I know, and I will talk to them," he slightly smiles.

We had a second of silence until I spoke: "Did you mean what you said?"

"About what?"

"Me not being Gunner's mother," I'm the middle of the sentence I started crying.

"No no," he put his arms around me and rubbed my back, "I was just angry. I think you've been more of a mother to Gunner than Brandi ever has."