Teenage Dream • Fermín Lopez

Chapter 43: Insecurities

🎶 Atlantis - Sped Up Version — Seafret, sped up + slowed 🎶

The next morning, I inevitably had to switch off airplane mode on my phone while I was on my way to uni and was obviously flooded with messages, especially from Fermín.

Fermín ⚽️❤️
Only a few minutes today ☹️
But still, three points!!!!
On my way to dinner with Fati and Carlos 😊
Hope you're recovering well
I figure you're sleeping so I'll just recap the dinner for you: Fati was her usually bubbly self and Carlito tried to keep up, but honestly, I'm seeing them fall apart... Especially Carlito is being distant...
But maybe I just got the wrong impression, you shouldn't worry 😘
How are you doing?
Ok sleepyhead haha, good night, hope you're feeling better tmrw
Good morning ☀️❤️
Ok I really hope you're alright and on your way to uni?
Should I be worried? Should I swing by?

Clarita ❤️
Hi good morning!! Sorry, I just fell asleep yesterday...
I'm still not 100%, so I'll just go home after uni and try to rest as much as possible
Hope to be back on my feet soon 😊

Fermín ⚽️❤️
Don't worry, I figured 😘 But I can't help myself but worrying about you so sorry if I annoyed you haha 😅
Sure, just text if I should bring by groceries again! ☺️🫶🏼

Clarita ❤️
Haha it's ok, you're sweet ☺️
Thanks so much, but I think I'm all set for now!

I felt so bad but I couldn't help but being distant in my messages. Something in me built up walls yesterday reading those disgusting stories about footballers and I was afraid to fully trust him and let myself fall into this relationship, with him being one of them. Agnes was right with all her stories about her brother, who was a womaniser - and that guy played Belgian 2nd division. Now imagine Fermín who plays at FC Barcelona, a football club that was famous all over the world, him already having a whole army on fangirls on social media. How was this ever going to work?

"Good morning! Although you don't look good at all... Did you even wash your hair?" Eleonore greeted me as her and Agnes took her seats next to me in our lecture hall for History of Art and Architecture. I loved her bluntness and had to crack a small smile.
"I was sick over the weekend. And I'm not really well mentally too, but I'll tell you girls later" I replied as I nodded in the direction of our professor who had just entered the room.

Of course the girls were way too curious and immediately looked at me expectantly when the bell to our last class for today, maths, rang.
"Ok so... on Thursday Fermín and I went on this amazing date at the zoo, he had it all planned out. And we talked a lot, about the future, us, how we envisioned ourselves in a few years from now, we even started the subject of having kids and... everything was great. Then I got sick over the weekend and he brought me groceries and was really nice with checking in on me and stuff, but yesterday evening during the game... I started to get on Insta and... fell in a hole of scrolling and just read some really disgusting things about footballers and now... I'm afraid to get deep into this relationship. He'll cheat on me someday and I don't want to give up everything for his career and be treated poorly in the end, you know?" I blurted out and the girls listened intently to me.

"Oh Clara... You're overthinking this too much, you guys are young and will build your relationship together, you shouldn't think about him cheating now... And there are a lot of faithful footballers too! How's that Dutch guy called that plays for Barca? I read somewhere that he's still together with his teenage love!" Eleonore said, trying to build me up while rubbing my shoulder. But Agnes stayed silent and looked at the ground. A tear now started rolling down my cheek.
Finally, Agnes spoke up: "I really like Fermín. And I really like you guys as a couple. But I can't help to think you're right at protecting yourself from him... His career will always be the first thing on his mind and... I'm really sorry to say this so bluntly and I really don't want to hurt you personally, but: you'll always be second fiddle." Another tear escaped my eyes.

"Well, but you guys could still work around that. And let's be honest, his career isn't going to last forever, maybe you can like... cut a deal that his career comes first and when he retires, you switch and then it's your turn to have a career? You'll be mid-thirty, you'll still be quite young then!" El said, trying to see the bright side.
"But I can't give up everything in the meantime! It will make leaving when he messes up so much more difficult!" I sobbed, now full on crying on the campus bench we were currently sitting on.

"You have to do what feels right for you, we can't tell you and Fermín can't tell you. But you have to put yourself first, whichever will be your choice." Agnes said and side-hugged me.
"And we will be there for you" El added and hugged me from my other side. I cracked a smile.
"Thanks... I'll just... try and think about it for a few days, I hope I'll take the right choice" I sighed as I stood up, shooting them a brave smile.

When I arrived home, I immediately got studying to catch up on what I hadn't been able to do this week-end. Fermín called me in the evening and reluctantly, I picked up.
"Hey, I was just checking in! How are you doing?" he asked cheerfully and I could perfectly picture his smile on the other end of the line.
"Hi, I'm a bit better... but still very tired... Currently studying, so that's not making it better" I sighed and hoped that he wouldn't catch on on something being wrong.
"You should go easier on yourself" he said, but I cut him off angrily.
"I can't! I have to study if I don't want to fail my classes in my first semester! Carlos decided to go to a state university so that my parents could afford my private one! I can't fail my family!" I shouted and took a deep breath.
"Clara... you're super smart, you already have the best grades. But when you're sick you have to take it slow to reset, if you don't, you'll break." he said sternly, clearly speaking from experience.
"You're right. Sorry, you know very well how this feels" I sighed.

Right now, I just wanted him to come over and hold me, telling me everything was going to be alright.
You're attaching yourself too much to him. You'll get dependent, what will you do when he's not there? Because he will be away often, my subconscious whispered to me and like this afternoon, a tear rolled down my cheek.
"Ok, I sense that you need some space on your own right now, so I'm not going to force myself on you. But I'd really like to see you this week. We're playing away in Girona on Sunday, but we'll only be gone for the day, I'm pretty free all other days, except for training" he said and I put my head in my hands. Gosh, he was so damn perfect, he could even read me over the phone.
"Thanks" I sniffled.
"Good night Clarita, hang in there. I love you" he said softly.
"Good night, yeah, thanks" I just said before hanging up. Thanks, really? Oh God, what is going on in my head? I broke down crying.