Your Guardian Angel

Chapter 10

"Yeah, yeah she's fine, Mum. Well, physically at least." Ben peaked around the corner and into his living room. Cassie was right where he left her several days ago. She's curled up on the couch with a blanket and watching television. He wouldn't so much call it "watching" as he would "staring aimlessly".

As he continued watching her, he listened to what his mother had to say over the phone. He shook his head and went back into the kitchen upon his mother saying something to him. "No, mum, now is not the time for that. We just lost our child for Christ's sakes, we're not moving across the world."

He opened the fridge and took out some lunch meat, then went to the bread box and took out a couple of slices. He put them on a plate and got out lettuce, tomatoes and mustard. He managed to do this with his phone between his shoulder and cheek.

"We'll see about a visit, but Cass is in no state to do anything at the moment. She's got a lot to figure out and I need to be there for her." He dressed the bread with mustard and lettuce, then sliced the tomatoes.

"I'm fine, yes. I mean...fuck, I'm heart broken. I got so used to the thought of being a father. We were so bloody close to meeting him and the way it happened..." He tried shaking away the memory of all the blood on the bed, the fact he had to watch the love of his life suffer giving birth to their stillborn.

He had caught a glimpse of the baby, but he wished he hadn't. He was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen and it broke him to know he would never hold him, never teach him to walk, to talk, never send him to his first day of school.

The more he thought about it, the more tears started welling up. He didn't realize he stopped making the sandwich, or that he was ignoring his mother's questions. He tried covering his mouth before he let out a sob, but his mother heard it.

"Oh, Ben...I'm so sorry I'll stop prying. Are you sure you're alright?"

He let out a laugh and shook his head. "No. But I have to be, don't I?" He noticed his hands were shaking, so he put down the knife and just leaned himself against the counter.

"Of course you don't. You need to allow yourself to grieve, together."

"But I didn't want him," he blurted out through tears. "I said such...horrible things, mum. I was so ashamed of him at one point and part of me can't believe I would be. I saw him after he came out and he was so beautiful. They asked if we wanted to hold him, but we couldn't. Neither of us had the strength to. I'm so ashamed of myself, of the man I am. I wasn't who Cassie needed, I wasn't who my son needed. I just wish it didn't take me until this to realize it."

He slumped himself down to the floor and sat with his hand to his face. He started to softly cry into it.

Just then, he heard a floorboard creek. His head shot up to see Cassie standing there. She was looking at him absolutely heart-broken.

"Mum, I'll call you back later." He hung up the phone before his poor mother could even respond. He stood up from the floor and looked her over. She looked completely broken. "Come here, my love," he softly told her with his hand out.

She took it and he gently pulled her into his embrace. "I didn't know you felt that way," she said quietly into his shirt.

He let out a laugh through his tears. "Still need to work on the loud talking bit, do I?" That got her to let out a small laugh, but it was still music to his ears. "I'm not going to say I'm sorry because I think I've exhausted the word. Cassie..."

She shushed him and brought his forehead down to touch her's. He gently wiped away her tears and stroked her reddened cheeks. "My girl," he whispered. "My Guardian Angel. I promise, we are going to get through this. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but we will."

She closed her eyes and let the tears start to fall again. He did his best to catch them, but they became uncontrollable. "Oh, honey," he breathed out. "It's alright, let it out." He put her face to his chest and held her tightly. He put his hand on the back of her head and gently ran his fingers along her scalp. He kissed her head, rocked her, anything to calm her.

"I'm worried about us," she cried.

He put his lips to her ear. "What are you talking about? Why?"

It took her a minute, but she managed to say, "I don't want this to change us."

He smirked against her ear. "Well, whether you like it or not, it's going to. What matters is how we let it. We can let it change us in a good or bad way. I don't know about you, but I want this to be something that brings us closer. I think it already has."

She looked up at him with a gaze that nearly broke him. Her big blue eyes were red and sad, filled with so many tears he wasn't sure how she could even see him. He kissed her cheeks, and then her eye lids when she closed them. She opened her eyes, letting the built up tears run down.

"Are, um...are we going to have a...funeral for him?" She asked like it had been on her mind.

"Absolutely, darling, but I don't want you to worry about it. You focus on healing." He pressed a long, loving kiss to her forehead. He didn't move his lips away as he said, "I love you so much."

Her response was saying it back with a hug around his waist.