𝐒𝐇𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒 • Tom Kaulitz

chapter fifty-five

Aiden rolled his eyes. That was all he needed to hear before walking out the front door himself, finding Ray in a park not too far away, sat on a bench smoking a cigarette.

Ray looked up at him and was about to tell him to go away, when Aiden slapped him right in the face.

"What the actual fuck is wrong with you? Is there something on your brain that blocks any form of cognitive thinking? Do you, like, understand how to handle things like a normal fucking human being?"

"Aiden-"

"I don't know what exactly your feelings are for Bill, whether you like him, or love him, or are in between, but what I do know is that there's some sort of romance and you've just broke that boys heart!"

"What-"

"Shut up and let me speak, Ray! He's sat in his bedroom crying because you can't come to terms with your sexuality. You're gay. You like men, you like Bill. If you're not ready to accept that then why the fuck would you kiss him, you wanker?"

"I don't know."

"You don't- You don't know? So you just did it for fun? Is that it? Got bored, decided to mess with some poor guy's feelings knowing damn well you're too insecure to reciprocate anything?"

"It felt right at the time."

"And what now? It suddenly just feels wrong?"

"I can't be out."

"Yes you can, Ray. You're not gonna be beheaded, it's not the fucking Elizabethan period."

"You're right, but it's still 2007. If I get with a man, I'd never be able to marry him. Do you know how that feels? I can't catch feelings for someone who I can't have a complete future with, Aiden."

"Who gives a fuck about marriage anymore?"

"I do! I want a life."

"So you'd rather lie to yourself and some woman just for some stupid ceremony and your signature on a useless piece of paper?"

Ray frowned. Put like that, his life plan didn't seem to great. Had he really upset Bill that much? He was crying?

Aiden was about to say something else, to tell stay to stop sitting there in silence, but his phone rang, Crimson's contact appearing. He answered the phone.

"Hey."

"Where are you?" Crimson asked through the phone, "We're all just gonna go for a walk. Bill's decided to stay in. Are you coming with us?"

"Yeah, I'll come."

"What about Ray?"

"He's not."

Before either Crimson or Ray could argue, Aiden put the phone down.

"So I'm just not invited on this walk?"

"No, Ray, you're not. You're invited back into Bill's house to apologise to him. I know you like him and I know he can make you happy. I'm not gonna let you throw away both of your happinesses just because you're afraid of what a few irrelevant bigots have to say."

With that, Aiden walked away, leaving Ray to sit and think for a minute, before standing up and practically bolting to Bill's house. He got there and walked in, the door luckily still being unlocked. He walked right into the bedroom, seeing Bill lay in bed, picking at his nails.

"Crimson would be really mad at you to see you picking at your nails," was the first thing Ray said. He couldn't really think of anything else.

"What?" Bill asked, confused by Ray's out of breath state.

"Well she's the one who taught you to paint them, right? I remember her telling me. You know, when you had the spiky hair with that side fringe, and-"

"Why are you back here?"

"What?"

Bill stood up from his bed. "Why the fuck did you come back here, Ray? Do you have any idea what you've just done?"

"Bill-"

"You're the first guy I've ever liked, you know. The first guy who I've actually had the confidence to be myself with. Maybe you did just kiss me once and maybe you never said you liked me, but you made me feel like it, Ray. The whole time I was in London I thought we had something and it was fake! So tell me why you're back here. Is it to rub it in my face?"

"It was real, Bill. I'm sorry. I couldn't say it. I couldn't say the words, but it was real, all of it. I really do like you. You're not just some experiment. I know how it feels to be used like that, and I don't know why I thought it was okay to make you feel that way. I guess it just seemed better than saying the words 'I'm gay'. But it's not, Bill. It's really really not. I don't care what people think. You're worth it."

"Worth it?"

"Anything bad people will say, Bill. You know people will talk. But let them talk. It's worth it. Isn't it?"

Bill said nothing. Ray looked into his eyes for the first time, noticing he'd been crying. Shit. Had he fucked it up? Right as he was about to say something else to justify himself, Bill's lips crashed onto his.

He tasted the salt from his tears, but he didn't care as he kissed back, their hands finding each other's faces, then necks, before Ray pushed Bill down onto the bed.

"Start over?" He asked, hovering over Bill, his hands pinned about his head.

"Start over."