The Other Side - A Boys of Tommen Fanfic

Chapter 16- The room

TW for SA

Ethan

I stood in front of my bedroom door, taking deep breaths in and out, preparing myself to enter.

When I finally felt ready, I took a step towards the door, reached for the handle, and waited for the click of the door opening, but it never came, because I couldn't fucking do it.

I couldn't find the goddamn courage to walk into my own bedroom.

To sleep in my own bed.

Because I knew no matter how hard I tried, I wouldn't get a wink of sleep in that room.

Not with the nightmares.

Or the nightmare that was my mind.

Every time I walked into the room, my mind was plagued with crippling fear.

I couldn't step foot in there without drowning in my own goddamn thoughts.

My own goddamn memories.

It's not that serious Ethan, now get off your ass and just walk in there.

I felt my dignity weaken as I fed myself the same line of bullshit that I'd been telling myself for the better half of an hour now.

Because even if it wasn't that serious, I knew I couldn't enter that room.

Because every time I crossed the threshold of safety that netted the rest of my house from that room, I could feel him.

I could feel his hands on me again

His nails digging into my back

his hot breath on my neck

his hands pulling my boxers down

Fuck I could even hear the sound of him hushing my cries, telling me I wanted it, that I was just being fucking dramatic.

A tremor ran through my body as I lifted my arm and reached over my shoulder.

I ran my hand over the five short lines permanently engraved into my back.

The marks he'd left on me as he held me down.

I'd been too damn young to get away.

It wasn't my fault

I was young

I didn't want it

I could feed myself all of the bullshit I wanted, but I sure as hell didn't believe it.

I wasn't a fucking victim

I was just a boy who was in the wrong place at the wrong time

Nothing more than that.

Yet I wasn't so sure

He knew what he  was doing, and he sure as hell knew it more than I did.

And whether I believed myself a victim or not, it was a fucking fact that I wouldn't be sleeping in that bed.

Not tonight

I couldn't do it

Not yet.

I took my right hand of the door handle, and my left one off of the scars on my back, helplessly dropping my hands to my sides and releasing a deep breath.

My brother's door opened then, scaring the absolute shit out of me as I jumped from my position and turned to face the noise.

I looked at Gibsie, and he stared straight back at me, taking in my protective stance and closed door, clearly putting two and two together in his head.