He Loves Me... She Loves Me Not

Chapter Thirty

With Luke peacefully asleep in the backseat on our way to his pediatrician, a sense of unease unexpectedly crept over me as I reflected on our relationship. Despite our improved understanding, the lingering doubt I felt seemed to persist time and time again, and I could sense that Scott noticed my hesitation, which had become a recurring aspect of our relationship the following weeks.

Everything between Scott and me had been smooth sailing, though as time passed and life threw various challenges at us—juggling our individual responsibilities and parenthood—it became increasingly common for me to question the sustainability of our relationship. I found myself wondering whether our efforts were still worth it.

Our first anniversary offered me some clarity. On a rare evening out with Scott, we dined just near Santa Monica and engaged in heartfelt conversations that seemed to transcend the routine of everyday life. Yet, as I gazed at him, I detected a hint of melancholy in his eyes. While he didn't voice his worries, I sensed that something weighed heavily on his mind, as I consider initiating a difficult conversation.

"How are you feeling?" I began.

"How am I? I'm good, thanks for asking. But why have you suddenly asked? We're at home every day with Luke," Scott exclaimed, smiling.

"I know we're together all the time, but I've realized I never really asked how you're feeling. How do you feel now that we're planning our marriage and watching our baby grow so quickly?" I asked.

"It's just overwhelming, you know? This past year has been so eventful. And now here we are, still together, and it feels like no one is judging us anymore," he replied, trying to figure out where our conversation might lead.

"Yeah, it's incredible how fast everything is happening. We were so focused on chasing something, and now it feels like we forgot to cherish the time when we could have really gotten to know each other better. We talked about our dreams and plans for the future, but we forgot to talk about what's happening now," I added.

Scott paused, the silence stretching between us as if he could read the turmoil in my mind and anticipate the words I wanted to convey. Restlessness gnawed at me, each night consumed by thoughts of our dynamic as a couple and as parents. It dawned on me that things had progressed swiftly, without considering his emotions, despite knowing he cared for us deeply.

His willingness to join me in the Philippines and his return after a harsh past we had spoke volumes about his love for me. Yet, grappling with the idea of integrating him into my life and sharing in my personal struggles, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Deep down, I had always been in love with him, and my feelings remained unchanged. However, the prospect of intertwining our lives and imparting my burdens onto him seemed unfathomable.

He was meant to be the admired actor, the object of my affection, and the thought of him standing by me only reinforced the notion that I had inadvertently deprived him of his true identity and essence, echoing his father's admonitions.

"Hey, is everything okay? You seem a bit off. Is there something on your mind, aside from our anniversary?" Scott asked, a hint of concern in his voice.

"I can't shake this feeling that something's not quite right," I stammered.

"Is it still about Georgia? I've told you there's nothing going on between us. I've been completely committed to you since I went to your farm that day," Scott assured, his expression a mix of frustration and worry.

"This isn't about her. It's about us and where we're headed. I feel like I'm struggling to keep everything in balance — being a mother, your partner, my career, and just being myself," I confessed, my voice tinged with apprehension.

"So, you want to end things between us?" Scott's tone was a mixture of hurt and desperation as he processed the words.

"I just need some time, some space to figure things out," I explained.

"What can I do to change your mind? I'll do anything. Please don't do this, Danni," Scott pleaded, a sense of urgency in his voice.

Scott has always been so reliable and supportive. He's truly been the best partner I could have hoped for. He doesn't deserve to be with someone like me, especially in this situation. I feel like I'm not able to give him the life he deserves.

His expression revealed his displeasure with my explanations, which made me question myself. In that moment, I struggled to come to terms with the fear, doubt, and lack of confidence that had resurfaced. Despite giving my best effort, it felt like it wasn't sufficient. Although Scott had been remarkably understanding of my emotions, I couldn't help but feel that our breakup might take a bitter turn once again.

When Luke reached five months old and I completed the book I had been working on, I resumed my professional commitments at work, acknowledging that Scott and I would no longer have the same work connections and might not see each other as frequently. Despite our parting, we both recognized his right to visit and make time for Luke, as I held no objections to him maintaining a relationship with our child. Regrettably, it was my own internal struggles that had led to the issues between us.