The Bad Girl Goes To College

7:"I trusted him."

Dedicated to my best friend cause she made me update this sad ass chapter! Happy or sad , reading .

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"When I was 14, I got pregnant." It felt like air left the room. This would be the second time since it happened 5 years ago that I would admit what happened out loud. I feel Andy's eyes on me but I refuse to look in her face. The last thing I want to see is the reaction she would have.
I knew this was a risk telling her what happened all those years ago. She could either leave me like my mother did or stay like Kat did. I also know there's a possibly I'll start acting out again. Either way I feel like she has to know because she's right, she can't understand me in the way she supposed to until she knows my secrets. Until she know why I was the way I was. "By my Uncle Ricky. You never met him for soon to be obvious reasons. Um, one summer I went to stay with him and my cousins Miracle and Miranda. Remember them? But anyway yeah I went to stay with them. And Uncle Ricky would always do things that was kind of weird. But he was a weird man and I was fourteen just getting tits and ass. He would always tickle me too low or wrap his arm around me when we watched movies. But he was my uncle and I trusted him. I would have trusted that man with my life and he... he took advantage of that fact." The bed dips and without looking up I know Andy is sitting at the edge. "One night after Miracle and Miranda had went to bed I stayed up with him and we watched scary movies. Well you know back when I was fourteen I was scared of everything so I'd hide my face in his chest and he'd laugh and each time he'd pull me closer and closer. That was the first time I felt díck and when I went to move away he just kept a grip on me. I was never naive I knew something was up with Uncle Ricky when I felt his boñer pressing on my stomach. Then, he touched me. It was the worst feeling ever. But Miracle and Miranda were in the other room and they were only ten and I didn't want to wake them. So I took it. I closed my eyes and I forced myself to leave my body and without any feeling I took it. And when he was done he kicked me out the room and told me I had go home." I don't know I'm  crying until Andy wraps her arms around me. "I found out I was pregnant two months later and only then did I tell my mother about dirty old Ricky and she dropped me off at the clinic. I cried before, during and after and I never stopped crying. I didn't stop until school got back in and I had to be tough.
But we were freshman and I was fifteen by then so I started acting out. Sneaking boys in, feeling them in me and trying to take away the feeling of Uncle Ricky with something new, someone new. I always felt dirty and I always thought that if I trusted any soul, they'd take advantage of me. They'd use me and they'd destroy me in the worst possible way, Andy.
Then there was Zane, Zane who cheated on me. Zane who was so mean at times and then he became Zane who I loved. Zane who I needed because with him it was bearable. The pain, the eternal feeling on loneliness. He stabilized me when all I wanted to do was destroy myself even more and hurt myself because I didn't want to give another person the satisfaction of hurting me." She wraps her arms around me tighter and I know she's crying too.
"And Andy I'm just now getting better. I'm just now dealing with my problems. Just now facing my demons. So to me it's not just going to a bar with a hot guy, its a step back. A step back towards destruction."
"I'm sorry." My eyes still refuse to meet hers. Apologies are just empty words. "Look at me." I do, I force myself to. Her face is tear stained and her eyes are red and puffy. "I'm sorry that when we were fourteen you couldn't tell me. And when we were fifteen you couldn't tell me. And sixteen and seventeen. Maybe I was never listening to your calls for help and I'm sorry but it wasn't your fault. A dirty man did a dirty thing to you, that doesn't make you dirty." But her words went in and out. And again something in me snapped.