The Bad Girl Goes To College

20:"tried so hard"

I drop Andy and Sav off at the boys apartment noticing Zane had ran off.
I drive to the one spot I know I could be alone, the beach. It's a space under the pier that no one ever comes to. I sit on the cool sand and look out to the water. That's when I feel it.
It's slow at first like peeling off a band aid, it hurts slowly. But once I take a deep breath I hear glass shattering and feel the pieces stabbing my heart.
It hurts so bad. Soon, I'm balled up crying my eyes out wondering where it all went wrong.
What idiot said true love conquers all? I've heard all these rumors about heartbreak but they never say that you literally can't breathe. Or that your body literally tenses and your bones shake from the sobs that rack your body. They never say that everything is heavy and you heat up even if it's freezing outside.
I loved him. With every cell in my body I loved him. I gave him all I could, I did all I could. I tried. I tried so hard.
It's not supposed to hurt this bad. I imagine the waves sounded alot like the blood rushing through my ears but I can't hear it because my weak heartbeat is so loud. Because my breathing is coming out in short pants and everything is screaming in pain. I'm fucking shaking and tears are in my mouth and sand in my hair and all I can hear is my heart beating slowly. Is is supposed to beat this slow?
"Nadia..." A masculine voice catches my attention but I can't make out who he is over the heartbreak. I look up and through my tears I see brown eyes staring back at me. It's...Tayshawn. I can't process the shock over the sobs that won't seem to stop. Please make it stop. "Andy called me. Well I called her. You weren't answering and I got worried. She gave me an address and when I went there she told me you'd be here." I wipe my eyes and sit up dusting the sand out of my hair then I let out a loud laugh but it gets caught in a sob.
"What are you doing here Tay?" I ask half laughing half crying. Is he crazy?
Did he really drive two hours to check on me?
"I have no idea Nadia." He sits next to me, keeping his distance. "At first I thought well I'll just wait until she gets back. But then I thought I don't have any classes for the rest of the day and Andy said she was upset. And I just drove."
"You are fucking crazy." I admit with a smile sliding closer to him. "When are you going to stop surprising me Tayshawn Carter?" I bury my face in his chest and notice how different he smells from Zane. And how his chest isn't as firm as Zane's and I cry into him. "It was so real Tay. It was the kind of love you only get once. It was raw and it was always fresh and it was constant arguments and make up sex. It's a love you learn from, yah know?" I try to swallow the sobs but I can't. The pain is excruciating, it feels unlike anything ever. Mental pain does indeed hurt worse than physical pain. I never cried this hard when this girl broke my nose in fifth grade. "It was the kind of love that in ten years I'll look back and I'll think about High School Love with the bad boy and I'll look at my husband and I'll smile because it was never supposed to work out with Zane. I'll think back to this moment and laugh because I cried over the bad boy. But for now, I'm not laughing. Right now I'm hurting and I thought I wanted to be left alone but then you show up." I can't seem to stop talking. I thought I wanted to be alone in silence with my thoughts but I can't. If im alone I'll do nothing but cry and drown in self pity.
"Wanna go for a swim?" Tayshawn asks already shrugging off his clothes.
"It's freezing."
"Oh but aren't you a bad girl? I've heard you got quite the reputation." He smirks and in a second I'm peeling off my sweatpants and sweatshirt. He grabs my hand and we run into the cold water. My fingers dig in his shoulders as we drift out further into the water.
"Now in ten years when you look back you can think of me and how I pulled you into the cold ass water and the coldness nipped at your chest and gave you something else to think about." He grins and kisses my cheek slowly.
"Thank you." I say pulling him to me giving him a hug. He squeezes my waist and I feel his breath on my neck.
I focus on anything besides the pain. Like Tayshawn's warmth mixed with the freezing water. Or the way the wind blew and ruffles my hair. My body feels the beat of Tayshawn's heart mixed with the beat of mine. The way his breath fans over my neck and my nose rested in the crook of his. Anything but the pain. Anything but Zane.

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"I really want to thank you for everything you did today." I thank Tayshawn as we stand outside my dorm door. Sav had gone to hers and Andy is waiting for me inside.
"Anytime." Then, he kisses my forehead and I focus on the burn I feel. With a smile I walk into the dorm.
"Go shower all this shall be done when you get out." I nod and go straight to our bathroom. I decide to take a short shower because while I'm showering there's not much to think about other than Zane, Regina and there unborn child.
When I step out and into my favorite hello kitty pjs Andy is already in her Dora one's. The bed is filled with Chinese food, pizza, pizza, donuts, Pepsi, chocolate and cookie dough ice cream. I see Halloween on the TV screen and I grin jumping next to her on the bed. She wraps her arm around me and takes a deep breath.
"Thank you."
"What else am I here for if not to guard the door while you beat pregnant bitches?" She jokes taking a slice of pizza and shoving it in her mouth. Taking the remote she presses play and we both get lost in the wonderful world of Michael Myers.
Me and Andy might have our problems but when it matters she's always here. She's the only person who has stayed by me through everything and I don't think friends come like this anymore. As I watch her mouth half open, eyes wide watching Halloween I decide that I truly wouldn't trade her for anything.