The Bad Girl Goes To College

32:"don't be jealous hoe"

After spending another hour laid out, Andy decided we should all get up and thug out the hangover. She said, and I quote, "we are stronger than this shit! We shall beat the hangover." It all got us pretty hype so we spent two hours roaming around the room in a hazy matter getting ourselves ready for the outing.
"Alright so first we need food and fast. Waffle house best friend?"
"Yes! A breakfast bowl sounds like dreams coming true." With a smile we all head out. "You guys Tayshawn sent me the cutest little goodmorning/birthday message. He says he wants to take me to dinner tonight." I smile reading the message and send him a reply.
"Ugh you guys and you're relationships seriously makes me sick." Casper says faking a gag.
"Don't be jealous hoe." I say shooting him a smile before answering my phone. "What up?"
"Happy birthday." The smile falls off my face and I turn the radio down.
"Uh thanks Zane." Everyone in the car looks at me like I've grown a third head. Andy indicates me to put it on speaker and I do.
"I got you something. When are you free?"
"Look Zane that's nice and all but..."
"Its just a gift Nadia. You love those. Meet me at that park down the street from my place at around four. Okay?" I check the time.
"Okay." He hangs up the phone without another word and everyone is still looking at me. "I'm not going." I say and they all look at me like I'm crazy.
"Yes you are! You can't just stand him up." Sav says slapping the back of my head earning a glare.
"No. Zane isn't the guy who just gets presents. He's the guy who wants things in return for giving things." I shake my head and turn the music back up ignoring the eyes on me.

"It's three fifty." Casper says, we're leaving the mall where we spent to many hours picking on people, stealing things, starting fights, and running from security guards.
"I know."
"Are you going to go?"
"Yeah...Yeah, I'll go."
"Great!" Casper claps his hands together as Andy heads towards the park.
When we get there I give all of them stern looks. "Come back in five minutes. Exactly five." I tell Andy and she smirks and nods her head.

For some unknown reason nervousness spreads over me as I walk towards Zane.
His back is to me but I can tell it's him. I can always tell when it's him. As if sensing my presence Zane turns around and gives me a wide smile. "Luck is really on my side today." He lets out a nervous chuckle and I look down at my Converse clad feet. "Happy birthday." His voice is a little hoarse.
"Thank you." I step a little closer and sit on a nearby bench, Zane follows suit and sits next to me.
"Before I give you this promise me that you'll keep it." I furrow my eyebrows.
"Okay. I promise." He smiles and pulls a black box out of his pocket. He holds it out to me despite how fast I'm shaking my head. Boxes like that usually hold expensive things, like jewelry. "Zane..." He opens up the box and the words get stuck in my throat. "No. I can't take that from you."
"You can, it's not like I just got it. I've had it since that night I asked you to marry me. It was supposed to be a replacement for a ring. Take it." I stare at the necklace and I literally can't breathe. It's a sapphire heart with two diamond bands hugging it.
"Zane you can't keep doing this." I say for some reason I have the urge to cry. "You can't get me expensive gifts and you can't make me feel things for you. I'm with Tayshawn and taking this necklace from you...it wouldn't be right."
"I got it for you and I'm giving it to you. And you're going to take it."
"Zane listen..."
"No Nadia you listen because I'm tired of listening to you. It's time for you to listen to me. I've watched you be happy with Tayshawn and I've done my best to stay at the sidelines. And I'm tired of standing in the fucking sidelines. It was supposed to be us. And I've tried getting over you and I've tried moving on. But I can't.
You think I like being this guy? The one who stays up all night thinking of all the ways I can't make it up to you? You think I like hating myself for making you hate me? Because I don't and if I could stop loving you I would." I close my eyes and listen to his breathing. "But I can't. And I know you can't either. I know you like Tayshawn and I know you're happy with him. I just wish you weren't."
"Zane..." I wish I could find the words I need to say. Or I want to say but nothing seems right.
"I love you. And I'm selfish because I don't want you to be happy if it's not with me."
"Please. You can't say that. You can't make me feel this way for you. I'm trying to move on and I've been doing good Zane. I've been doing so good."
"But you could do better."
"With who? You? Because you said it yourself we continuously destroy each other Zane! This relationship is fucking toxic and I'm tired of being hurt."
"I don't want to hurt you Nadia. Not anymore. I don't want to be the guy that hurts you."
"But you are. You're the guy who hurts me and who constantly breaks my heart. And Tayshawn he doesn't. He doesn't hurt me. He doesn't break me down."
"But you don't love him! And you know it. I saw you last night at the party. How you reacted to him. How you are with him. You don't love him because you still love me. And if we love each other why continusly hurt. Why can't we just be together?"
"Because it's not that easy!"
"It's never been easy Nadia. But we always made it work before." My phone vibrates and I check the text from Andy.
"I gotta go. Thank you for the necklace I love it I really do." Then, I'm running away from him. Away from my thoughts about him. Away from my feelings for him.

*
"You look beautiful." Tayshawn smiles. I blush and kiss his cheek. "This is for you." He holds out the white teddy bear and I smile. It's a life sized one with a red bowtie. "Thanks, I love it."
"And I love you." My throat runs dry and I give him a tight smile. "Come on, lets go."

Tayshawn takes me to some fancy restaurant and we eat foods I've never heard of and we laugh and talk and everything's perfect.
After our dinner we go to eat ice cream and then head back to his place.
"Not that you don't look great and all but I've been dying to get you out of this dress." Tayshawn whispers unzipping my dress until it falls at my ankles. I smirk and he presses his lip to mine. The kiss is passionate and slow like Tayshawn always kisses me. "God, I love you." Tayshawn says between kissing me and laying me flat on his bed.
But you don't love him!
Zane's voice rings through my head and I kiss Tayshawn harder. I do love him. I do.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
He always does this. He always screws it up for me. I push him to the back of my mind and start working at Tayshawn's pants.

It's three in the morning and I've been thinking about Zane before during and after sex with Tayshawn. A part of me feels so wrong that even when Tayshawn was in me all I could think about was Zane and how he used to touch me and how we used to be.
Suddenly everything about Tayshawn annoys me. The way he wraps me in his arms the way he fucking snores. Its all to much and I find myself pulling on my dress and sneaking out of his house.
I don't know where I'm going until I end up there and I'm knocking on his door.
Zane opens the door sleep evident in his eyes. "I love you." I breathe out pressing my lips to his.
The kiss is probably the best one Zane and I have ever shared. It's sweet, and rough and passionate and needy and longing and it's eveything I need. No words need to be said because everything we want to tell each other we say into the kiss.
"I love you so much."
"I love you too McKnight."