The Bad Girl Goes To College

8:"A time out"

Hands on my hips, lips on my neck. It felt familiar, the music was hypnotic as I sway my hips to the beat, the stranger behind me kisses my neck and rub on my bare stomach.
I knew after telling Andy that I was risking the snap. I knew there was a possibility that I'd start acting out again. And right now with the lips of a stranger on me is all the possibility. I turn around to face him and when I realized who it is I stop. Tayshawn.
"Well the bitch I was kissing on has a name." He says earning a punch in the chest.
"The asshole with the sloppy hands has a name." My voice sounds sweeter than sugar but my eyes are a flame. He pulls me closer to him and as his hands wander all I can think about is having someone fill the void. All at once I'm sixteen and emotionless. His lips start to move but I can't hear a word over every muscle, every nerve, in my body telling me to stop. Everything screaming that I'm better than this, I'm better than my past. But his lips are moving and the outline of his muscles are screaming at me to touch and feel. My body literally starts aching with the conflicting urges. I was good. For a solid year I was good, I was stable. For a year the urge to feel myself with someone new didn't exists. All because of Zane.
Zane who isn't here. Zane who blew me off for the boys. Zane who I love with every cell in my body.
"Nadia! Jesus, stop!" My best friend intervened as Tayshawn hands squeeze on my butt, his lips continues to work on my neck. God, I hope he doesn't leave marks. "Get the fuck off of her." Everything's spinning. The lights are starting to fade. "Shit, let's go Nadia. I have a surprise for you." With a tug I'm getting further away from a bad decision. Andy's talking but the words won't register. Just a faint sound, a voice that's miles away. "Are you okay?" Or at least I think that's what she's saying. "Nadia!" Miles and miles away. It's dark, its cold.
"It hurts Andy, everything hurts." I sob silently. "I was supposed to forget, you made me remember. You made me talk about it. It was good, everything was perfect. I was in love, I didn't make bad decisions." I know I'm mumbling but she had to know. That no I'm not okay. Because everything hurt and yet the vodka I inhaled minutes before is telling me it all feels good. It feels good. Everything's good.
"Talk to me Nadia." Did she not hear me?
"I hate you for this."
"Nadia?" Why couldn't she hear me? I'm drowning, drowning in my sorrows. Choking on my demons. The car swerves and we're on the side of the road. I'm in her arms. I'm not crying anymore I'm stable. I'm okay.
"I'm okay." My voice is firm. Something in me makes me okay. With a chuckle I wipe my eyes roughly. "My surprise?" With hesitation in her eyes she pulls us back on the road.
"Right, I got this before you had Tayshawn all over you." Andy tells me when we pull in the parking lot to our dorm. "So, maybe the reaction will be a little different." She mumbles something under her breath. Ignoring whatever it is, I drink the water that was sitting in the cup holder and popped some mint gums in my mouth.

A smile instantly appeared on my lips when I walked in our dorm. In all his glory the brown haired green eyes sex god is sitting on our couch. "Zane." I squeal running towards him. I land right on his lap and begin to plant kisses over him. "I missed you." The closing of the door brings me back to reality and I realize Andy left.
"I miss you too. Now what was this about you doing things the boys can't?" That smirk, those eyes. I'm okay. I'm perfect.

*
"Now tell me would the boys let any of that happen?" It's two hours later and I'm in underwear wrapped up in Zane.
"I mean Cameron probably would've did the backwa-"
"Shut it moron." We both let out laughs and then a comfortable silence fell over us.
"Andy told me you were having some problems." He broke the silence with the last thing I wanted to hear.
"Yeah. I told her about my past and I've been acting out. But you're here now to ground me." One of the things I love most about Zane is that he doesn't press matters. Obviously sensing I'm not ready to tell him he just place a kiss on my forehead. "I love you so much."
"I know."
"Zane..." My heart racing as I prepare to tell him about Tayshawn. But then his eyes find mine and they're so disappointed and hurt.
"I think we need to take a time out Nadia." He rushed out his eyes no longer on mine but on my shoulder. The shoulder Tayshawn was just kissing on. Instinctively my hand went to cover it but Zane grabbed it. "I tried Nadia. As hard as it was I tried to make it work. I haven't looked at another girl. I haven't spoken to another girl. And you act out and suddenly it's okay for you to have hickeys?" His voice is scary calm making tears well up in my eyes.
"You saw them before you fúcked me. That's what this was? Goodbye sex? Zane, I don't want goodbye! I slipped tonight and I'm sorry. But you don't get to fúck my brains out and then say we need time apart!" I stand up and start pacing the floor in nothing but my underwear.
"And you don't get to look me in my eyes like another guy wasn't kissing on you. You don't get to tell you love me with those damn marks on your shoulder." Suddenly he's in front of me and his voice is loud.
"I'm sorry, I tried. Its just a lot came up."
"You think this shit is easy for me?" He pushes me hard enough that I hit the table on the side of my bed knocking everything off. "You didn't fucking try! You didn't even give it two weeks." He grabs my arms pulling me close and takes his thumb pressing on Tayshawn's marks. "You let another guy mark what's supposed to mine. God, why are you so fucking easy!" I refuse to cry. Every cell is saying I'm okay. I'm okay.
"Fuck you! Fuck you!" I yell sending punches to his chest. "You don't understand, what I went through. The demons I battle daily you don't fucking understand."
"Then let me." My mouth wouldn't open. It's not that easy. I can't just tell him. It'll never be as easy as a few words. I'm damaged goods. But fuck it, if I have to be the old Nadia to cope I will be. Whatever suits me, whatever is better for me. It's always been me first. Its always been people leaving. God, I'm so used to this shit.
"Thought so." He whispered and I made myself cold and distant so the hurt in his voice didn't affect me at all. All over again I watched him walk away. Once again I didn't stop him. Once again it's me first. Protect my heart, protect myself.

**
A/N , okay! Emotional roller coaster is overrrrr.