I know, every time we see a 'not an update' update in our notifications, we tend to skip over them because surely they can't be that important.
Mine probably isn't that important, but I feel I should explain my complete and utter absence from wattpad. If I can't give you guys something new to read, I might as well fill you up with excuses as I stand waiting for a train, Beyoncé giving me the courage to not run home before I get scooped away into something I'm not even sure I want anymore.
So let's start with what I last posted, which actually wasn't even on my account. My last technical update was on Deanne's Anguilla Adventures in like super super early July. I had so many plans after that, you wouldn't believe how long my list of ideas stretched. And believe me, I tried to write them. I honestly tried.
I wrote out complete outlines, started drafts, and even got close to finishing some of them. But it was almost like someone had taken the part of my brain that knew how to write and ripped it out. My mind was broken, but instead of letting it come back naturally, I insisted to keep trying and trying and trying. As school, college, started to approach at a pace I was not ready for, I said I would finish at least one thing before I started. But I couldn't. In my efforts to continue something I love, I might have broken myself more.
I still told myself that I would try when school started. When all my schoolwork was said and done, I would still try.
Boy, did I overestimate how much free time I would have. To quote my chemistry teacher on my first day of class as a CÉGEP student, "congratulations on being accepted into one of the most prestigious programs we have to offer, now prepare to become a loser."
Becoming a loser meant that I would sacrifice everything in the name of school. I quit dance, one of my first and truest loves, because I knew I wouldn't be able to take it. I knew going out with friends would be extremely limited now, considering 3 days a week I was spending 10-12 hours away from home because of school.
I knew I had to make sacrifices, but I had no idea how many I'd have to make, and how much of a toll they'd have on me.
I can't even keep up with my real life friend anymore. I have no idea how they're doing, much less any of my internet friends.
So this is also an apology to anyone and everyone I've ever tried to hold a friendship with. Especially Sarah, Lily, Cassi, and Lia. I'm sorry.
I know that there's one question you may (or may not) have: am I retiring from writing?
1- retiring is such a weird word, it makes me feel like I'm 70 or a veteran that's been writing for years instead of someone who's only been reading for just over a year now.
2- judging by home much I probably blew this dumb story out of proportion, I haven't completely lost whatever meagre skills I once had. So I guess the only answer here is who knows.
I don't even know if this is slightly coherent, and I'm not going to reread it before I post it. If it wasn't raw and emotional (at least on my end) it wouldn't sound as genuine, in my opinion. Otherwise this wouldn't be anywhere near 600 words.
I'm gonna end it here, because since starting, I have boarded the metaphorical train of destiny and am one stop away from my destination, and that Beyoncé song that kept me empowered on this foggy September morning has now changed to a Taylor Swift tearjerker, and I don't know if I can continue on.
I hope you all understand, and I'm sorry.
