Society (Phan)

Chapter Five

Holy fuck. I'm stood here currently, Alfie and Marcus with sneering, disgusted faces looking down on me, Phil giving me an apologetic look and I'm stood here internally freaking out.

I thought they had had pissed off for the night to go fuck random strangers and to give me space and time. Luckily, this is at the end of the garden so no crowds or confrontational behaviour. My thoughts about what I'm having to compose are suddenly cut off;

"Dan, dude, what the fuck? I didn't invite you here to become all lovey-dovey with fucking Lester?! Are you a faggot? What the-" Alfie yelled, no giving a shit about his choice of words.

I cut him off. He's outraged and Marcus, whose still glued to his side, as originally, is still in hysterical laughter. I'm hoping they're pissed out of their minds so they don't remember this.

"I didn't do anything!" I am in no control on what I am saying right now, I'm losing it. This whole plan of me just trying to 'fit in' with society, has gone AWOL, just because someone was pissed and two pretentious dickheads are stood right in front of me, I need to keep this shitty reputation up, and fast. "He fucking latched onto me! Fuck off you faggot and don't come anywhere near me again, you got that? Piss off fag."

MINOR TRIGGER WARNING

As soon as those words came from my mouth, I was hit with an instant wave of regret. Those words, which had previously been triggered by, the reason the many scars lay across my body, the reason I cried myself to sleep, the reason why I had never fit in, just left my mouth and onto another person. Society. This is what's happening to me. I am trying to hard to impress that I am upsetting people. This 'party' was supposed to be a forgiveness ticket, but no. The whole 'forgiveness thing' will never happen. If society can't forgive, then I can't forgive myself.

I'm craving release. A way to punish myself because those despicable words, I deserved to be punished.

Punishment is a weakness, you must stay strong and not show it.

And that is what I'll have to do.

TRIGGER WARNING FINSIHED

"Yeah right Howell, don't you bullshit me, I know you wanted it." Marcus spoke suggestively, whether he was trying to be provocative like the usual dickheads are, he's defiantly doing it right.

"No! I swear, I didn't do anything! He came onto me,"

I need to do something that will make me believable. The alcohol is making my head throb, sirens screech into my brains dark abyss', slowly losing my sanity. Why do people drink? My vision blurs and sways, I can't contain my anger. I just wanted to fit in, to be like other people, I did what I thought I had to do, fuck you society.

"Oh yeah," Alfie spoke up again, "If that's the case, punch him pussy."

"I don't think that that's necessary, he's pissed. He had no control over his actions,"

"I knew it, Howell's a faggot,"

"No!"

"Prove it then,"

I had no choice. I had to do it this time, there was no doubt about it. All the things that I had already done, the things that I said, clearly wasn't enough. When did things start becoming this way? I had to do this. My head was screeching as the alcohol moved its way down my body, becoming less sober by the minute.

Without thought, my fist collided with Phil's jaw, the purple bruise already appearing, Phil stepped backwards as my sudden outburst struck with his face.

I had to get out of here. Now.

I took off, my legs taking me places without my brain even knowing where my destination was. The anger, upset, guilt and self disappointment making me move and push past the people who stood in my way. I ran out the front door, to drunk to drive back home and no cash for taxi, I would have to make the six mile commute back home by foot. My body swayed, loosing conscience. My feet trip up on one another, making it harder to walk than ever.