Broken | Dan and Phil Fanfiction [COMPLETED]

Done

-Phil's POV-

"What the fuck.." he voice was shaky. I panicked and started moving towards Dan. "Don't," he said "We're done."
I felt Meghan move away from me and back up against the wall.
"What the hell is going on?"
Dan didn't say anything else, but I'm not really sure if I would've noticed if he did. Everything was starting to turn black. It felt like my world was crumbling around me. I never thought this would happen.
I look back up and Dan is not there. He must've left the diner. I look over at Meghan and see a very concerned look on her face.
"What was that? Who was he? Do you know him?" I felt my eyes start to swell and a tear roll down my face.
"Meghan, I'm so sorry."
I bolted
I ran as fast as I could out of the diner. I think she was yelling my name, she might've even been running after me, but I didn't care. I didn't slow down. I ran.
I ran as fast as I could.
I felt like I was running away from the end of the world.
It felt like Dan had reached into my chest and ripped my heart out. Who did I love more? Who was I supposed to choose? I couldn't. I simply couldn't just choose who I loved more. I don't know if I loved one more than the other. I loved them both so fucking much and I ruined it. I ruined everything. It's all my fault. Everything is always my fault. God, I'm being so selfish right now, I'm only worrying about myself. If Dan really loved me then he's probably having a break down right now too. I'm so stupid and I hurt Dan and I don't think I can every fix that. What's the point in trying when I know I can't do anything about it. Honestly Meghan and Dan were the only people keeping me alive. Now what was I going to rely on.
Do I even try anymore? I could honestly just give up tonight and nobody would even care. Dan and Meghan both hate me, my parents would honestly like it better if I was dead and everybody at school would enjoy me being gone better than anything. What was I saying? I've been like two months clean and now I'm just talking about giving up altogether. Old habits do die hard I guess. But I had been ignoring the inevitable.  

I couldn't breath. It felt like I was underwater. I've hadn't run this far in years and it didn't help that my legs felt like they were going to buckle at any point and I couldn't even see past all the tears that were now pouring from my face. I could've honestly gotten in my car and driven home but I was so flustered that I forgot it was there. People were staring at me. Probably thought I was some kind of mentally unstable sociopath.

Oh wait
I am
I honestly don't care what people think about me right now. I'm just done. Nothing will matter anymore soon.
I can't even explain the feeling.
Just nothingness
Worthlessness
Broken
Hollow, I just felt like a shell. No soul, no heart or brain or anything.
I don't know which was worse, knowing that I've lost Dan for forever or knowing that it's all my fault.
I wanted to die.
I was already dead inside, what's the point of staying here if in just an empty shell? There isn't one.

[TW-suicidal thoughts]
My decision was already made.
Everybody's life was going to be better after tonight. I didn't have anyone else to stay around for, and after tonight, I knew that nobody cared about me because after all, I was just a piece of shit.
I sprinted up my empty gravel driveway, rocks kicking up behind me as I ran. I flung the front door open and locked it behind me, my parents normally don't carry a key because we leave the front door unlocked. Stupid right? They're just scared they're gonna lose their keys at a party while they're drunk and not be able to get back into the house.
I walk up the stairs slowly, taking the time to look around my house knowing this is the last time I'm going to see it. The kitchen was littered with beer bottles and the carpet had stains, mostly from blood, but it was still home. It was still where I grew up. Where my parents took me home after the day I was born and they cared for me. Where up until I was four, my father would give me giant hugs everyday when he got home from work, and my mother would make amazing delicious things for dinner every night.
Hopefully I could drift off with those thoughts in my head, the feeling of my fathers arms around me and the smell of cooked steak with mashed potatoes. Those were the only happy times I remember with my family. We don't play board games every Friday night like we used to, hell we hardly even talk. My family has fallen apart and it's all because of me. Maybe I could fix this. Maybe I could make their lives better.
I make my way up the stairs and into my room feeling completely drained. I had run this scenario through my head at least a thousand times. Had a bad day, come home, slit my wrists, and just be done with life. I've tried, six times, but each time I chicken out and don't go the full mile. Today though, today I had the motive. I slouch over and pull a crumpled piece of paper out of my sock drawer. I had written this note back around two years ago when I first tried. It's pretty much just an apology to all my friends and says "fuck you dad".
I sit down at my desk and grab two new pieces of paper. I figured Dan and Meghan deserved some explanation. So I explained. Told Meghan I was a douchebag and cheated on her. I told her not to be sad about me because she deserved better. I told the same thing to Dan. I guess I started crying while I was writing because there were little wet circles all over the paper.
I waltz into my bathroom and open the cabinet under the sink. In a small container behind my hair gel, there were several blades and razors. I just grabbed the whole container. I sat on the edge of my bed next to my three notes and didn't even hesitate.
"Fuck it."

A/N
Hey, so I know this is kinda a deep chapter (I did a bad job of conveying it tho) and I just want all of you to know that you are not alone. I've been through this. I beat it and I believe that if I can do it, than anybody can do it if they truly want to get better. You cannot give up before you have even tried to get better. If you need ANYTHING please send me a message. I love yall so much<3
And HOLY CRAP 700+ READS!!!