Saviour

Goodnight Mammy Part 19

The door opened and the smell of lavender hit me immediately Willow had always been crazy for incense sticks their smoke danced through the house leaving the most beautiful calming smells.

Fallon was inside the room sitting at my mother's side my sister was noticeably older but she still dressed in long gyspy skirts and cardigans her glasses rested on her nose and she clutched a book. She studied me for a minute probably noticing how un-sparrow like I was now my hair was tied neat in a bun and I wore smart black trousers heeled boots and a blazer a vast change to the barefoot free child pictured in my room.

She stood up to embrace me "Sparrow I'm so glad you're here" she pulled me close I closed my eyes to stop the tears flowing it felt so nice to hug my sister again. I'm sure she felt the same as soon as she pulled away she pulled a tissue from her apron and wiped her eyes she was the image of mother when she smiled "I'm going to leave you alone for a while, we'll have a proper talk in the morning" she kissed me on the cheek and left the room.

I stood for a minute not quite knowing what I was supposed to do. The clock in the corner ticking was the only noise apart from my mother's shallow breathing, her hair was greying now it was still as long as it ever was lying spread out on the pillow I sat on the chair beside her wondering if should I speak to her, what would I even say oh hey mum sorry I ran away and I'm only coming back now cause you're dying I smiled at my boldness that was exactly something I would of said to her.

"so um Hi Mammy Its Mag...Its Sparrow I'm home" I felt so stupid I didn't even know If she could hear me I reached out and stroked her soft hands worn smooth by the years of work done to the house her eyes opened she looked straight at me "Hi mammy how are you" she couldn't speak but she gave a slight smile and squeezed my hand

I looked at this poor frail woman nobody would of ever believed what she had been like when the alcohol consumed her and she could barely remember her children's names, when she stood on the beach and hysterically screamed her husband's name knowing he was never coming back but I looked at her now and felt so much pity and sorrow, she had met the one she loved when she was young and knew immediately she wanted to spend the rest of her life with this man and just 10 years later he was gone. Living alone raising 3 children part of me didn't blame her for how she was. I only wish she had been strong enough to fight the depression that ruined her.

"I'm so sorry mama I should of at least called or something I just needed to get away I needed structure and order and I wasn't going to get that here there is nothing in the village that I could of done and said I had lived my life, I needed to go, I thought of you nearly every day I've taken some beautiful photos I wish I could of showed you them" she squeezed my hand I could tell in her eyes she had understood "I fell in love too I didn't expect it to happen but I did" I smiled as I thought of Brian "He's gorgeous mama really handsome he's a comedian too so he makes me laugh definitely a city boy though a big softy at heart and when he proposed.. I ran away just like I did on you Fallon and Apollo. I love him more than any beach, any captured moment anything but I ruined it."

Her eyes were getting sleepy I could tell her end was coming I lay my head on her pillow and stroked the wrinkles by her eyes "I wish we could have had more time together I will hold on to everything you taught me though. I'll remember how you looked when the wind was in your hair and the sun on your skin you showed me what it meant to love yourself and be free. How you danced with me standing on your feet around the house you called me your Tiny Dancer. The nights by the fire when you would sing to us while Apollo played his guitar I'll remember everything good about you and not about the illness that took you from us Mammy. Just promise me you'll look after me and help me not to be so scared of loving somebody and I promise to repair things with Fallon." She gave my hand a tight squeeze as she could and I buried my head into her hair she turned her head slightly to rest on mine and croaked a little she was trying to speak the only thing she whispered was "Desperado" before she closed her eyes again I had no idea what she meant was I concluded it as just the pain medicine speaking. I smelled the lavender in her hair and kissed her cheek "I love you Mammy" I whispered through my tears as I stood and left the room.

I shut the door of my bedroom and lay down the last word she spoke to me still echoing in my head I fell asleep shortly after a deep sleep where you dream all night In my head I seen the beach I seen the fire I heard the piano in the living room play and the words of tiny dancer spinning through my mind

Ballerina, you must have seen her

Dancing in the sand

And now she's in me always with me

Tiny dancer in my hand,

Hold me closer tiny dancer

Count the headlights on the highway

Lay me down in sheets of linen

You had a busy day today.

I saw my mother dancing young, beautiful and free.