Ready to Take on the World

Chapter 13: Keep lying and deceiving, but for the right reasons

That day I went to my room and just lay in my bed. I closed my eyes and listened to soft music through my headphone set. A tear rolled down my cheek. I didn't know what to believe or do. I felt like Jake was the guy I was gonna fall in love with and he was gonna be my first love. I was already in love with him. My heart kept pulling me to him. I couldn't distance myself from him. I felt like I belonged to him regardless of what Brian said. Maybe that was only half true. But I decided not to do what they did. I wasn't just gonna walk away from it like they did. Like Brian did. I wanted to know the truth.

My heart was set on Jake, but I had to know the truth.

'First I have to find out the truth, then I can decide on what to do next.'

I rolled to the side and thought about my favourite person in the world. Only she was gone. 'I wish you were here mum.'

''I am here.'' I heard a voice. I knew that voice. It was ... my mum. I opened my eyes and she was standing right in front of me.

''Mum? But you're ...''

''Sweetheart, of course I am. This is just a dream.''

I was dreaming. I fell asleep so fast. But I didn't care or think about that. The only thing I cared about was that she was here. Even if it was just a dream. I realised this was the first good dream I had in a long time. The first good dream I had ABOUT MUM ... ever. I usually dreamt my mum's death. But now here she was safe and sound. She had the most beautiful smile. Her red lips spread across her face. And her hazel eyes. Peter was the only one in the family who got them after her. But I was the only one who got her gorgeous, long, brown hair. I loved my hair. A little bit because they were beautiful, but mostly because I got them from mum.

I realised she was wearing the same clothes she wore when she died. Her favourite cotton T-shirt with a picture of me and an inscription beneath it that said THE SWEETHEART I LOVE IS NOT MY HEART, IT'S MY DAUGHTER. She had that custom made, and it was so cute. She had her indigo blue trousers on, but was barefoot. She was simple, but elegant and amazing. That's just how my mum rolled ans that's what she taught me.

She sat on the bed and I hugged her hard. I never wanted to let her go again. But I knew I would soon have to.

When I finally let her out of my embrace, she stroked my cheek and said:''My sweetheart. I missed you so much.''

''I missed you too, mum.'' Only now I started to shed tears.

''But I've been watching over you all along, baby. I'm always here in spirit.''

''I know, mum. I knew you wouldn't leave me. But how come you've never visited me in my dreams before? I mean, you can stop the nightmares, right?''

She shook her head and said:''No honey, I can't. I wish I could; I wish I could make all the pain and suffering go away, but even the dead don't have such power. Only you do. Only you can help yourself and make the nightmares go away. And as I can see you're doing a pretty good job. But I also see you need a little bit of help. My help. I came here today, because I know you're suffering and don't know what to do. I came to help you.''

That's when it struck me. She came to help me, but I couldn't help her, I couldn't save her. I looked down and said:''I'm sorry. I don't deserve your help.''

Mum raised my chin up and looked me straight in the eyes. Her eyes were full of love.

''Baby, it was not your fault. You don't have to be sorry. You didn't do anything wrong.''

''I left you there to die. I left you in the fire.''

''No, you did not. You just saved yourself. Which was the only right thing to do.''

''Exactly, I just saved myself. Only me. I didn't save you. I didn't even try.''

''Sweetheart, nobody expected that from you. Not even me. Nobody blames you, but yourself. There was nothing more you could've done. Nothing, baby. You did the right thing and I love you even more for saving yourself.''

''It was selfish of me.'' I said, a tear rolling down my cheek.

''No, it was brave of you.'' She said in a strong, reassuring voice.

''But you died.''

''Yes, I did. But that does not mean I left you. Like I said, I'm always here with you and I always will be. I was meant to die. It was my time to go. That's destiny. You can change it, but not always. Sometimes things happen and there's just nothing you can do, but either run or sit still and wait. You had to run, to save yourself. And I'm so proud you did that. I am so proud of you.''

I smiled. That was another thing I needed in the healing process. My mum's words. Those words. I felt like a hole in my chest was suddenly filled with love and happiness. Now that I was whole again, I could deal with other problems-like Jake and Brian.

''Mum, I love you so much. You have no idea what those words mean to me.''

''Actually, I do sweetheart. And I love you too.''

I hugged her again. ''So you know about the whole situation with Jake and Brian if you're with me all the time?''

''Well, I know the majority, but I would like to hear it from you. What's troubling you?''

I sighted and answered:''I don't know what to think of it. I think I'm in love with Jake. But Brian's my brother and he's always been there for me. Jake lied to me. What he did to Brian was awful. But I mean, people can change right? Maybe he didn't tell me, 'cause he didn't know what I would think of him. Maybe he was afraid to tell me. Or maybe Brian's lying. I don't know. I'm so confused.''

Mum stoked my hair and said: ''I don't know who's lying and keeping secrets, but I do know some things are not what they look like. Besides, you've been lying too, sweetheart, haven't you?''

She gave me a concerned look and I replied:''Yeah, I know, but, I feel like I have too. I feel like for now, it's the right thing to do. My heart tells me to be with Jake, but my head says it's wrong being with somebody who hurt my brother. It was a long time ago, but still ... Mum I don't know what to do. Actually, I know I want to get to the bottom of this, but I don't know how to. What should I do?''

''Well, sometimes you have to listen to your heart, but when you follow your heart there are risks. And sometimes even the heart doesn't know what it really wants. When that happens you go with your gut. What does your gut tell you?''

''That I love Jake and that I shouldn't lie to my brothers.''

''There you go, your answer.''

''But I'm scared. I don't know if I can do it.''

''Sweetheart, you can't let the fear hold you down. It can help you and make you stronger. Just let it help you. It can do that, you know? You can do it. I know you can. You of all people can, I know that. It's hard, but you're strong. Believe in yourself, trust yourself.''

She was right. I had to do it. Then another thing crossed my mind. I knew mum was dead and this was just a dream, just my imagination, but ...

''Are you OK with me and Jake?'' I asked

''I'm OK with whatever YOU are happy with. I just don't want to see you get hurt. But in the end of the day, I know you'll make the right choice. Your gut is never wrong sweetheart, trust me.''

''How do you know?'' I looked at her amazing hazel eyes.

''Oh well, I guess I just know. Trust me.'' She smiled at me so softly that I couldn't resist not to smile back and say:''I do.''

''Good, 'cause I trust you too. You're gonna choose right. Because no matter how you choose, it will always be the right choice, as long as you feel that it's what you want.''

'OK, now I'm confused. So I should just go with it as long as I'm happy with it and want it? OK, I can do that.'

I nodded, hugged her, closed my eyes and said:''I wish I could see you and talk to you all the time. I wish you were alive. I'm gonna do the right thing mum, I promise.''

When I opened my eyes she was gone, but I knew I was still sleeping. Not for long. A soft touch on my shoulder woke me up. I looked up and saw Dalton, who was smiling at me. I smiled back. I had to tell him ... about mum.