Backword and Forward

In Denial...

"So he said he was 'going to the rescue' of anotha gurl" asked a fake pretending-to-be-drunk-again Laura..
"Yeh.."
"Why do you care doe?"
Little insight right there..
We were....chatting on my phone, about the longass note I recieved from Connor..
Well, I didn't exactly like him.. True..
But dis I exactly hate him?
Dis I exactly hate him?
Good job Tess, you're STILL hungover..
There was an orchestra/heavy metal band thumping inside my head..
Not good at all..
I felt like puking and eating at the same time..
It was just driving me up the WALL!
I swear..
And then there was Connor who just decided he wanted 'in' in my life and just..just..expect me to forget...forget...him....
Cameron..
Cameron-fucking-Furdswood...
I swear..
That cheating player..
That low down, ass-wipe of a..I don't even know WHAT anymore..
He took my heart..
Grabbed it actually..
Ripped right through the arteries like Aron Ralston..
And ran..
FAST..
He just left...
Me..
This saddo, big-eyed kid with them THICKASS glasses (the kind that took up your whole face) and shy attitude..
Who couldn't stand up for herself and couldn't talk for shit..
Who could just sat there and daydreamt..
And just looked all bleary eyed when someone called her an idiot..
And cried hard when a kid shoved her in the hallway..
I was that kid who fucking PISSING MY PANTS to break the rules..
Here's what got me out of that good-for-nothing phase..
Cameron..
He just, took me into his wing and attached some of his own..
I flew until he transformed into a hunter and shot me down..
Enough with the metaphors already..
See I still had one thing in me that led me to where I am..
The need to break the bonds, the judgmental stares and looking-down-at-you attitude..
It was will..
It wasn't support..
It wasn't even help..
It was purely my raw WILL..
Will to break all those bonds..
Will to break rules.
Will to change how people looked at me and finally...
WILL to get noticed..
Heard..
Thought of..
Leave traces behind..
It was all me..
It was confidence..
It was inspiration
It was tip-freaking-top motivation..
And you know what?
I would be shit without it...
I would be nothing..
I wouldn't be anything except..
SHer..
I came from 'oh her' to "you mean Tess?"
Pretty big freakin' transformation...
But Cam caught me..
He made sure I didn't slip..
I didn't fall
Or I didn't shudder
Blocked the heat
And shielded the cold..
He was always there to hustle...
And teach me everything I knew..
He was my fallback plan and midway..
But he left me worthless when he did..
One day it was promises and the next.. Empty..emptiness..
It eloped into..nothingness..
He just left me shattered and split..
But why does it hurt?
He actually imprinted himself on me..
And then left..
And you know what's scary?
Connor is the exact same thing..
He's a player and he's pretty DARN good at acting like he cares..
So chuck it..
I'm heading to uni now..
I washed off my grogginess and started picking out clothes..
See today was special..
Today was 'I have no future so what's the point' day..
I threw on a Nike shirt and ripped jeans..
I flung on Jimmy Choos shoes and started picking out what transport I wanted to take for the day..
Perhaps the Beetle?
Orrrr the Harley...
I couldn't choose..
So I said 'fuck it' and grabbed my skateboard..
Yes, my parents are well off...
But well, I wasn't one for really showing off..
I stuck to the light, but sometimes you can't really determine if I was in the shadows..
Basically I'm a popular yet never-mind girl..
As I said my personality and persona are widely noticed and to some extent respected..
But no-one said I really was being carried on people's shoulders...
So I was in the middle...
As I sped through alleyways on 'TJ' (yes my skateboard had a name) I just gazed at all the graffiti caused partly by me and some other fellow punks..
I suddenly had the very rude urge to pull out my 'emergency' aresenal can and just....go creative!
I halted, doing an ollie and skedaddled to an empty spot on the wall..
"The world's your canvas they say.." I whispered to myself and started the art..
"BECAUSE I CAN
I'M LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST
AND REPEATING...
LIVE WHILE YOUR YOUNG, AFTER ALL YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE..."
I shook the arsenal can empty..
God I love that sound..
I threw the can at the garbage can and shouldered my bag, ready to make up for a few lost precious seconds, as I'm no tart.. But then I saw a shadow cross over the alleyway..
It was heading towards me..
I suddenly picked up speed and sped off, the tires grinding madly at the uneven tarmac...
But I didn't care and as my eyes stung making my contacts watery from the stench of the trash cans, all I could think of was the footsteps following my skateboard, and the last thing I needed was a cop..
My mum could deal with legal shit, but I was actually just more freaked out by the nerves and the ticking time..
"Gosh darnnit.."
I sped up when I heard the voice..
I was afriad I might stop and listen and start walking towards 'it'...
This was eerily familiar..
ALL TOO FAMILIAR..
I lost control as I tripped over a cobblestone and face planted on the grubby concrete...
I hurriedly got up and started violently scrambling for my skateboard..
I didn't want to stop and start talking..
I didn't want to pause and imagine..
I didn't even want to think..
Suddenly I just wanted to concentrate on the burning pain coming from my knee as a gash started bleeding from the ripped part of my jeans...
"Wait! Stop, Tess.."
I wanted this to be an imagination.. Just a stupid dream..
Let me just get away..
I will eternally be thankful and greatful..
Upon locating my skateboard, I grabbed it off the floor, grating it against the rocks and quickly got on the top..
But not before a hand shot up to jerk my arm back, stopping me from moving..
"FUCK!" I cursed loudly..
"Tess? Tess is that really you?"
I squeezed my eyes shut and really hoped it wasn't him..
It wasn't him..
It was him...