Backword and Forward

Feelings..

Alright, no-one has had a clear insight about my family..
Quite frankly, neither have I..
But let's see what we have gathered..
My mum and dad seperated when I was seriously young, like I still sometimes hear the screams in my dreams...
Then he died of drugs and most probably depression...
My mum couldn't care less, and I was glad..
My dad's name was Bennet, Bennet Richards, and guess what? He wasn't shit.
He didn't work so even then my mum was always working..
Right from the beginning till now..
He got drunk, came home, got high, fucked woman and abused my pregnant mom..
All when she was about 27...
Thas right..
I'm from a messed up past..
But the present was something I was going to live in..
My mum was strong mentally and a Cambridge graduate, so she knew her shit..
She became the top chemical engineer in the business and got accepted into Maersk..
She worked her ass off and kept going higher like taking the stairs and passed through promotions like the wind...
She was superwoman..
And I was deemed to follow suit...
I always worked well in achool and learnt my shit..
Never behind, and I put my back into it...
But well, sometimes I had to stop and take care of my hardworking mom..
Being there for her cause no-one can really take her care of her well except for me..
Only Laura knew this and once in a while when she spoke about my dad, or called me by my former last name, I steamed..
I was Tess Rowling, that was my family name, and if she wanted to use my full name, she better freaking use that...
Anyway, my mum was going through a lot of shit right now because of a prick she had of a boss..
So basically, I was torn..
I was battered between my education and looking out for her and skewering her boss with punches..
The main reason as to why I was League in Boxing..
I put up a pretty good font of being cheerful and dismissive..
But deep within, I cared and when something hurt, it hurt like a little bitch..
I tripped over myself and broke my leg while simultaneously slamming my nose onto another boy's head cracking both the places..
Had to be in a freakin cast for my leg and bandage for my nose..
I looked like one of those bitchy mean girls..
Seriously..
Everything hurt but I always managed to smile and wave it off and be totally NON drama queen..
But Cam noticed and he totally restricted me from playing basketball like my dad..
He told I might hurt myself again and for once was being incredibly genuine...
I fell that day..
But told him to stop acting like my dad and actually attempting to try and make me feel relevent when I was torn beween being there for my mum and myself..
He signed and hugged me..
More like engulfed me..
It hurt into the depths of my icky gooey dark soul that someone cared..
And didn't show..
It hurt so much..
I gave in..
And that's what I always...
"Regretted.." My voice bounced back to me from all the corners of the glass templated studio..
I saw flaws..
I saw mistakes..
But I also saw motivation..
I saw will...
I saw attitude..
And most of all I saw.. Not my dad..
I saw myself..
Flawed yet a perfectionist..
Sexist but seriously a feminist at the same time..
Rebllious but every once in a while found rules hot..
Every once in a while folks..
Just once in a blue moon..
I saw a girl who had so much to hide..
I saw a girl who had so much to salvage..
I saw pent up anger..
And I totally didn't see the broken bits that Cam left to grow stale..
I saw myself..
Me..
Unbroken..
Unshaken...
Strong..
And...just new..
But I saw the strands of hair flying loose..
The pant from all that rush fogging up the glass..
The dried blood on my knuckles..
The cuts and bruises lining my waistband...
The scar on my nose..
The gash on my knee..
And the hits on my elbows and calves.
I saw a tired, rampaged, worn out girl..
I saw thorns and needles..
I saw baggy eyes yet a clear face..
I saw smile lines and snicker lines..
I saw a playful twinkle still lingering in my eyes..
But when I smiled now, it looked strained, tired and put-up..
So suddenly I caught sight of the hopeless side as well..
Let's just say the side that wished I had a male figure in my life...
I collapsed in a heap onto the hardwood floor, rolling my skateboard away..
I crossed my leg and allowed myself to look lost..
To look depressed..
To look broken..
To..to let all the memories and pressure heave against me and battle within my ribs..
I let the tears fall and didn't attempt to wipe or sniff them away..
I let my whole façade drop..
I suddenly hit the floor backwords and gently closed my eyes...
Suddenly I wanted to be protected, to be treated gently, to laugh tinkly, to lead a normal, non-dramatic life..
Suddenly I wanted short dresses and high heels and swooning boys..
But no..
That was never going to be me..
Skateboard, piercings, biting/witty comebacks was always going to be me..
Dark clothes, cheery smile and restraint pain.. That was me..
I exhaled slowly..
Secretly when Cam did that, I felt this flutter, this odd sappy shit..
That made me wanna fly..
I felt looked after..
I felt protected although it was just a silly comment on 'not playing basketball'..
But my own mum had only been stern not.. Understanding...
I suddenly couldn't take it anymore..
I heaved my shoulders with heavy tears of years and years of pent up rage, sadness and deterioration...
Relevence..
Image..
I had hidden my fear..
I had hidden everything..
I had kept so many things under check but when I looked at my disheveled hair and broken posture I knew I had to somehow realize it, and it wasn't through tubs of ice-cream and Taylor Swift songs..
I didn't want to be whiny..
I could self-heal..
I could.
I did..
I will..
I sat up..
I suddenly gained all the courage I needed and stamina started trickling through my blood again..
I stood up and heaved a sign..
I could do this..
Uni..
Job..
Mum's well-being..
I could do it alll...
And the real superhero..me..
I never gave myself credit..
But now I knew, my mum would laugh if I told her this and mock me for doing shit like this.. But I give up..
I appreciate that she's supporting me and shit..
But so am I.
And quite frankly, I don't want her to behave like her prick of a boss to me...
Like now..
So I stood up and brushed everyone and everything off..
This girl..
She was the thing everyone wanted to be..
They wanted to crack her mystery walls and see..
But she wasn't so easy to crack..
Once but not again...
She was the one everyone wanted to hear shit about..
I couldn't possibly let them down?
I smiled, confident, bold and weight-bearing..
My cheeks crinkled as I grabbed my skateboard and headed out..
Time for some explainations...