Gone

Chapter 37 [Blaze] There Through Everything *

I exhale the smoke from my lungs, feeling as a cold gust of air comes in through my opened window. I put the cig between my lips and half way close it, getting mad freezing because I'm not wearing a t-shirt, or even a beater. I can't sleep with a shirt on, period. Not even in the winter. After I finish my square, I smoke another one, not knowing what to do with myself. I hate reality, and I could really use some drugs right now. Too bad we smoked all the bud last night... Shit is so messed up.

For one, my dad's dead, which is a good thing. But Juliana's dad dying... What the hell is going on? Where did this come from? Why is this happening to her, and to her family? Her and her mom are going to be all alone now; on their own. Losing a parent is really hard for a girl, isn't it? My dad wasn't even like a father to me, he was just a cruel and ignorant waste of air, so I have the right to not be upset that he's gone now. But Julie... What did she do to deserve this?

Nothing. She didn't do anything. And now I feel so bad, because she's going to need someone more than ever right now to be here for her. And in the car yesterday I clearly admitted to her that I was confused about being in love with her.

But the truth is... I just don't WANT to be in love. Especially not after getting my best friend pregnant, because they are best friends, and sleeping with Mickey was one of the most selfish messed up things I've ever done to someone.

But what is there for me to do? I can chose to stop caring about what everyone else thinks, and I can be with the girl I really care about, and have strong feelings for. Or I can be just her friend, so her and Mickey can get back to being closer to each other, like they were before. But in all honesty, I don't know what I should do.

I really don't know what the right choice is, and all I want right now, is to make Juliana happy, and keep her moving forward. I need to stick by her, and let myself love her, without feeling guilty about it. Mickey doesn't want the baby, and neither do I, so that's a good thing right?

Of course it is. I don't know what I would have said if she ended up telling me she wanted to keep it. Because I don't want to be a dad, atleast not any time soon... Maybe down the road though. Hell, I shouldn't even be thinking let alone planning when I'm going to knock a girl up.

I shake all of these unsettling thoughts from my head, noticing Julie rolling onto her side, but she doesn't open her eyes. I glance over at Spencer who's passed the hell out on the couch in the corner, and then I quietly walk to my bed and sit down next to her.

 "Julie," I eventually whisper, but she just lies perfectly still, and makes no sound at all. I slowly brush the hair out of her face, gently running the tips of my fingers down her cheek afterwards, and she still is completely silent, and still. "I need to tell you something," I carefully let out, and she finally opens her eyes halfway.

And she stares up at me in a daze for a few seconds, slightly grinning. "Hi," She lets out.

I stay serious and cup her face with my hand, and she looks startled. "Hey," I mumble, slowly leaning down closer to her face, my lips stopping only inches away from hers.

I see her eyes fill with tears, when I don't expect it. "I thought you didn't love me anymore?"

"I don't want to love anybody," I tell her, shaking my head. "But I can't lie to myself, knowing that I hurt you, Julie."