Riker's Depression

Chapter 38 : Breakdown

Chapter 38

Riker POV 

"Riker, please get up. What can I do so you'll get up?"

I ignored her. I can't do anything right anymore. I deserve to die. I did that to my baby brother.

I couldn't stop crying. I was scared to die, and I wasn't sure how I should do it since I'm in a hospital. And I was scared of the pain. I hate pain!

"Riker, please."

I opened my eyes a little because her tone of voice changed. Everything was blurry through my tears, but I think Paige was crying. I instantly sat up, and wrapped my arms around her. She hugged me back tight.

"Please don't cry," I said with a scratchy voice.

Paige pulled away from our hug.

"Riker."

"What?"

I wiped my eyes, and started to calm down.

"What are you thinking right now?"

"Um... I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"Because you'll try to stop me."

"You want to kill yourself..."

I bit my lip really hard, and nodded slightly.

"Please don't," Paige whispered.

"I hurt my baby bro... He's going to die because of me."

"Riker, like I said before, I need you to be strong, and put on a brave face for him. And maybe donate some blood. That's one of the reasons he's on life support. He lost too much blood.

"But the needles!"

"Riker, what's more important?"

"Ross..."

"Exactly."

"Well why don't you donate blood!?"

"I would, I just don't know if we have the same blood type."

"Oh..."

I finally wasn't really crying anymore. I was exhausted. Crying takes so much out of you...

"Riker, I really don't want you to kill yourself. I love you."

"I just feel so awful inside... And guilty..."

"Riker, none of this was your fault. It was Macy's."

"But-"

"No! It wasn't your fault, do you hear me?"

I nodded.

"If we go back in there, are you going to stay calm?"

"I guess so..."

Paige took my hand, and intertwined our fingers. We stood up, left the bathroom, and walked back into Ross's room. My family was gone, and it was just Ross.

Paige pushed me a little closer.

"R-Ross, I'm s-so s-sorry," I whispered.

He was just looking at me with his eyes half open. I didn't know what else to say, and I felt like crying, which I'm not allowed to do. So I turned and ran.

"Riker! Come back here!"

I ran all the way down a bunch of staircases, and then finally, I ran out of the hospital. I didn't realize how close Paige was until she jumped on my back, and I fell.

"What the heck do you think you're doing!?" Paige asked.

I could literally hear the anger in her voice.

"P-please d-don't h-hurt m-me!" I cried, holding my hands above my face.

"Riker, I'm not going to hurt you."

"Please!"

I laid face down in the grass, not daring to move. I was too scared to do anything anymore.

"Riker, get up."

"No!"

"Riker, we need to go back to the hospital."

"I'm going to cry if I go back!"

"It's ok to cry, Riker. But you need to do it quietly. You can't be screaming your head off."

"I just want to go home..."

"Why? So you can kill yourself?

Maybe...

I sighed, and finally let my body relax. For some reason, I wanted to die, but I also sort of didn't want to. And the only reason I didn't want to was because of Paige. She keeps catching me when I'm having these thoughts. She's reading me like a book. And maybe I should just submit to her and obey instead of fighting back. She obviously won't let anything bad happen to me.

"Riker, I don't know what to do with you anymore."

"Why?"

"Because you need help. Real help. And I can't give you that because I'm not a professional. I think you need to see a therapist."

"I don't want to though!"

"It'll help you, Riker. And it'll help me too."

"What do you mean?"

"If you get help, then I won't be so scared all the time that you're going to kill yourself."

"You're scared?"

"Riker, every day I wake up, not knowing if you're going to be here the next day. Something sets you off, and then it's just like you're in self destruction mode. And it scares me. One of these times, I'm not going to be there, or I'm not going to catch you before you go through with these things. And then you're going to be gone. I'd blame myself for the rest of my life."

"I don't want to die!" I said, crying again.

"Then why do you keep hurting yourself?"

"Because I deserve it! I don't want to die though! I just want to stop feeling so awful!"

Crying face down in the grass wasn't exactly the most comfortable thing ever, so I sat up.

Paige pulled me into a hug, and I just sort of cried into her shoulder for a few minutes while she rubbed my back. I calmed down, and then pulled away from our hug.

"Can we go back to the hospital?" I whispered.

"You want to go back?"

"I want to donate blood to my baby bro."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Paige helped me up, and then we walked back to the hospital. We went back up all those flights of stairs, and found my family in the waiting room. I sat down next to the wall, and Paige sat down next to me.

"Are you sure you want to give blood, Riker?"

"I'm positive."

"Ok. Let me go tell your parents."

Paige left, and I was slightly nervous. I couldn't sit still. I'm terrified of needles, but I need to do this. For Ross.