Resolution

8. It Won't Stop

"Every little thing you do got me feeling some type of way... when you give me that thunder, you make my summer rain."

Song: It Won't Stop

Artist: Sevyn Streeter ft. Chris Brown

I didn't get any sleep the night after the party; my mind was too full with thoughts of Harry and Ben and what I was going to do about both of them. I tried and failed to separate each of them into different parts of my brain, but the thoughts insisted on blending together, each one fighting for my attention, demanding to be dealt with first. The worst part was, I couldn't even decide which problem was the most difficult.

There was Ben, who despite everything he had done to me and despite the angry sense of betrayal I felt from him, I still cared about deep down after being ingrained into me for years and years. As much as I didn't want to admit it, I had to- there was still a small part of me that missed who we had been together and wanted to maybe give him a chance to be the guy I had thought he had been. The much larger part of me, however, knew that would be pointless- he couldn't take back the things he had done and he couldn't really change. Nobody really changed.

The biggest issue I had with him at the moment was the inevitable talk I would need to have with him about what had happened. I couldn't even imagine what a mess that would be; I knew he would apologize profusely and try to sweet talk his way back into my arms, but I had to be strong. We could talk, I could maybe pretend to forgive him, maybe actually forgive him, someday, but I couldn't forget. I was afraid a weaker part of me would cave in to him and allow him to slide his way back into my life, even though that was the last thing that I wanted; too many years had gone by of him doing exactly that- messing up but talking his way out of it so easily that I forgave him instantly.

Not anymore. I refused to let him pull that again after getting away with it so many times.

Then there was Harry. This beautiful, cocky, reckless, and seemingly unfeeling boy that I knew had great potential to be extremely dangerous for me. He was a potent mixture of everything I hated, yet here I was, unfathomably drawn to him against my will and out of my control. Deep down, I knew if I let him, he would absolutely destroy me; he had that power, if I let him close enough, to shred my heart into pieces even smaller than it already was.

The fact that I already knew this was both a blessing and a curse: being aware of it made me cautious, guarded, yet not enough to stay away from him. I knew I would see him again, and I knew it would be more and more difficult to resist him with each time, but I didn't care. The overwhelming sense of impending doom settled over my heart, but I tried my best to shake it off.

If I didn't get attached, I wouldn't get hurt. Simple as that.

This was my rationale for sticking to a strictly physical relationship with him. There would be no discussion of emotions, no laughing, no playing, no actions of any kind that could potentially lead to feelings for him because I knew he would never return them. He had made that perfectly clear already.

It was days later when Ben's name flashed on phone, my eyes widening as I saw the name and panic flared through my body. I still wasn't ready to talk to him so I quickly hit ignore, restraining myself from flinging my phone across the room. I had been leaning back against my headboard late in the evening, attempting to do my homework when he called and effectively scattered any thoughts of productivity for the rest of the night.

Before I knew what I was doing, I was hitting send on the number I had just recently had the courage to save and pressing my phone to my ear, my lip dragging nervously into my mouth. I almost hung up when I realized what I was doing, sure that I looked like a lunatic calling him out of nowhere and was about to end the call when Harry's raspy voice filled my ears.