Resolution

68. Robbers

"I'll give him one more time, we'll give you one more fight. Said one more line, they'll be a riot 'cause I know you." 

Song: Robbers

Artist: The 1975

Time could not possibly pass any slower than it was. Every second that ticked by felt like a decade. I felt like I was constantly waiting for something, waiting for anything, really, to happen and wake me up from this nightmare. Ever since those few stolen moments in the back hallway at the club with Harry, I hadn't been able even talk to him, much less see him. Ben had permanently attached himself to my hip, never giving me a moment alone except to use the bathroom.

I didn't have a moment of time to detach myself from the situation or collect my thoughts, much less come up with a second plan that probably still wouldn't work. I'd quickly fallen back into the numb haze I'd momentarily broken through with Harry, the icy cold grip of fear clenching firmly back on my heart the moment I was returned to Ben's side. Days had passed now and I was beginning to lose hope that I'd ever be back where I belonged- with Harry.

I lay stiffly in bed now, my body rigid and aching as I curled into the tightest ball I could. I resisted the urge to throw the smarmy arm that had wound around my waist off of me even though it made my skin positively crawl. I could hear the quiet sounds of him breathing behind me while I faced the wall, my eyes wide open as sleep evaded me for the third or fourth day in a row now. My arms were crossed tightly across my chest and my knees were pulled up as high as I could get them, my position fending off any unwanted contact that I could avoid.

This was how it had been ever since I'd seen Harry; it was like I was on lockdown. He never let me out of his sight and his touch was nearly constant, something I would never get used to. How strange and bizarre it seemed now that, at one point in my life, I had actually wanted to be with him, wanted him to touch me, and wanted him around me at all. Now, I often found myself contemplating the ways I could brutally injure him and get away with it.

My body felt tired and weak from lack of food and sleep, but I couldn't find it in me to eat, and I couldn't have fallen asleep if I wanted to. Fear paralyzed me every time he touched me, setting my nerves on edge and putting an erratic, irregular rhythm to my vital functions. I didn't trust him at all, much less enough to voluntarily sleep with him right next to me. Sleep was all but impossible.

I shifted uncomfortably. The cheap, scratchy sheets felt foreign on my skin, and the mattress wasn't the one I was used to. Even my own bed, on the few harshly missed days when Ben had allowed me to stay home, hadn't seemed quite right. I craved to be in Harry's bed under the familiar covers with his perfectly familiar body pressed against mine; I was certain that would be the only way I would ever get a real night's sleep again, after all this.

My muscles were stiff from keeping such a tight position night after night, but it was how I felt most safe. I held my breath as I dared straighten one leg to work out the kink that was slowly forming, praying Ben wouldn't wake up. My actions were so slow, I hardly moved, but soon I had relaxed the muscle in one leg before I started to repeat the process with the other. I nearly had it straight when I heard a soft creak sound from the front of the small house.

I froze, my arms clamped over my chest and my legs stiffening so quickly it almost hurt. I held my breath as I listened for another sound to confirm I had actually heard something and wasn't just hearing things. A few seconds ticked by but I heard nothing. I relaxed a little, or as much as I really could given the fact that Ben was sleeping right behind me with his arm around my waist.

I continued to stare at the wall across from me, determinedly not looking at the door for fear another horror would appear to haunt me even more. I tried to focus on the rhythm of my heart, which always felt too slow and lethargic these days. The sound of it pulsed quietly in my ears, and I couldn't help but be reminded of the cold that had settled over me again, chilling me from the inside out. I tried to summon the heat that Harry provided by focusing on him and only him, willing him to appear, but it didn't work; I was still cold and wrapped in the wrong person's arms.