Resolution

63. Stay High

"Can't go home alone again, need someone to numb the pain."

Song: Stay High

Artist: Hippie Sabotage (Tove Lo Flip)

I felt numb.  Cold.  Empty. 

I’d lost track of how many days had passed since I’d broken Harry’s heart along with my own in the process.  The days seemed to jumble together in an endless continuum of pointless motion.  It was like all the color had been drained from the world, the continuously shifting grey shadows surrounding me and sucking me in to the depths of their bland darkness.   I was lost in the cold, black emptiness that had taken over my life and I had no resistance left in me to try and fight my way out.

This was my life now.

Ben had given me a few days, surprisingly, before he’d dragged me out of my apartment.  Although he hadn’t forced me to leave, that didn’t mean his presence hadn’t been far more frequent than I would have liked.  He had appeared every day, checking up on me and making sure I hadn’t gone back on my promise and gone back to Harry.  His dark shadow had lurked through my apartment, haunting me as he watched me with his cold, hollow eyes.  He hardly spoke and never touched me, but it was unnerving and terrifying as I felt his gaze imprint itself on my skin.

Maggie had been extremely confused at the change and was beyond livid when I refused to explain what had happened to her.  I couldn’t bring myself to explain and was glad I didn’t when Ben flat out commanded I never tell her.  He didn’t want anyone to know he had forced me back to him with the worst possible threat.  I had agreed flatly, the fight long gone from my soul.  She hadn’t spoken to me since.

Ben had won; I had given up on trying to fight him. 

My mind and body were tired as I lay curled in a ball beneath the covers of my bed.  I couldn’t remember leaving it since the night I came home from Harry’s, but I knew I must have at some point.  Despite having not eaten for days, my body still had requirements and the only time I managed to drag myself from under the covers was to use the bathroom.  When I did, my appearance was terrifying.

Circles so dark lined my eyes that it almost looked like I’d been hit and my usually bright blue eyes were dull and lifeless.  My hair had started to matte in the back and it looked like I hadn’t showered in about a month.  Any color that was usually present in my face had been drained, leaving me stark white and shockingly pale.  I wondered why Ben even wanted me in the first place, because there was no way he could find me attractive at a time like this.  I shook my head gently at myself before returning to the cocoon of my bed, the warmth of the covers doing nothing to melt the ice inside me. 

A loud pounding at my front door shook me from my stupor, fear coursing through me briefly before the hollow void took over again.  He didn’t wait for my response before letting himself in, his heavy footsteps sounding far too loud in my quiet apartment.  I clutched at the covers and pulled them further over my head in a weak attempt to block him out. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” he said, his voice dripping with irritation.  “You’re still fucking moping around?”

I didn’t reply.  My eyes squeezed tightly shut as I curled into a tighter ball while I prayed he would leave me alone like he had the last few days.  Previously, he had arrived, berated me for being so obviously depressed, and left in a huff of annoyance.  Something told me he’d reached the limit of his already short patience. 

“Get the fuck out of bed, I’ve had enough of this,” he said stiffly, his voice tight as he tried to force it to sound calm.  He did not succeed.  I could hear him coming closer and felt my blankets shift as he grabbed them near my feet and yanked.  My grip on the blanket was enough to keep it on me but not enough to keep it over my head.  I let my eyes stay shut for a few seconds before opening them tentatively to look at him.