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+sorry for the confusion ;-;
i don't know what i should feel anymore,
"you knew this was going to happen?" i remembered myself asking taehyung helplessly. i'm too naïve and innocent to think that everything, everything about love will go smoothly with me. now that my father is already out of the picture. who am i to fool?
"jimin and eun—aoi as you would like to call her, had a past of their own. jimin loved and still loves aoi as you can already hint of his actions. you see, jimin was just caught up with all of the school's pressure about aoi that's why he split up with her before but now, now that she's back, he said he's going to win her over again whatever it takes."
he's going to win her over again whatever it takes.
win her over again,
whatever it takes.
i left my things on school as i never wanted to see them together, if i'm lucky enough i would have to see them together and i don't want that to happen. whatever happens with my things will happen, i don't even have any valuable things there. i have my money and phone with me but the handkerchief she gave me was inside my bag – i guess that's the only valuable thing i'd be missing if ever.
my eyes trailed inside the house and my gaze was fixated on mini as she was sitting beside me, her tail was wagging and she must be wondering why i was patched up in every corner of my body. i pat her head and can't help but feel . . . empty.
when was it again? when did i felt like this again? i was too occupied with my feelings to ao—no, her name is eunhee, the thought of never falling in love was out of the picture. she made me feel like myself again, she was the only one who could make this empty heart of mine filled with so much happiness and emotions that have been buried long ago. why did i ever hope that there would be an 'us'?
we won't ever be together.
as much as i didn't want to let the tears fall, i let them. i'm tired, too tired of all this shit. when will i ever be happy? when will i ever be happy to have just one, just even a single person who won't ever leave me and would accept me, not because of what i look but because of what i am?
i want to win her too, winning her as my girl would mean the world to me. i won't ever want to have anything rather than aoi. i don't even care if she's eunhee, what matters is her! i love her and i need her, having her is more than enough—is there anything wrong with that?
am i still too selfish to wish to have her for myself?
i've always been alone ever since mom died but now that i found someone, why would she have to be taken away? true, i don't know anything at all. i don't know anything about her but my heart wants her and only her.
heart, why would you have to beat for someone who would never be yours?
tears uncontrollably flowing, this must be the second time i had felt this agonizing pain again—i felt this when mom died. when mom died, i felt like a part of me died as well, i was so lost and now that i knew that aoi still loves jimin the pain is unbearable to handle.
i hugged my knees close to myself and i bawled like a baby. i cried and cried hoping that if i let the tears fall, it would be able to wash away the pain that i'm unable to heal. the wound that was hidden deep within my heart is opening once more and i don't know if it would ever let me breathe again.
even if i fight for aoi, do i even have any chance of winning?
"aoi" i murmured.
"aoi. aoi. aoi." i continuously called even if i knew she would never come.
"ao—" my voice was cut through when i heard my phone ringing.
incoming call
pops
accept ignore
a much as i didn't want to answer, i didn't want to look disrespectful.
"hel—"
"jungkook! thank goodness! son, where are you!?" he shouted through the phone as if he had been running everywhere all along. funny how it sounded like he was looking for me when that kind of thing will only happen in my dreams, is this a dream again to fool me?
"jungkook? please, son tell me where you are" the voice continued seemingly coming out broken and pleading, i really don't know if this is a dream or not. my father won't ever look for me, he wants me dead and most of all he wants me to vanish in this world without any traces.
i was an eyesore for father.
"—please" he sighed as i barely heard a sob. "son. forgive me, i was so immature to throw you out. please son, i, please come back home" the voice continued, his voice breaking midway.
home? did i ever really have a home to return to?
it's been a week ever since i left and stayed at this manor, but it seems like i have to go now because i can't bear staying in one roof with a girl who will never be mine. where? where would i go?
"—please jungkook, forgive me. i was too naïve, confused and hurt. i knew that you were hurt too but i was too insensitive to put all the blame to you" he trailed and i heard a sniffle and a sob escaping, "you're the only family i have left. please, please son, come back. i promise we will make things work out."
a tear escaped and i couldn't just take it anymore "sorry dad." cupping my face as i wept through the phone, i just wanted to feel safe and peace, so desperate of feeling well – i don't even know what to think anymore.
"i – jungkook, i'm so sorry too."
"i'm sorry for everything." i murmured as i couldn't help but sob in the phone.
i heard him cry too, "no, son it should be me. it should be me who should be apologizing. i'm sorry,"
"can i. can i rea—"
"don't go." my voice was caught in my throat when i heard the voice that would always give me the chills, make the whole zoo inside me roar and would be my only weakness.
my eyes trailed on the person who was kneeling in front of me as she too was covered with band aids— the sight made me cringe on how i was able to leave her and go straight back home—maybe jimin helped her, right? i saw that she even had my bag with her and the handkerchief she gave me which i always kept in my bag.
"don't leave me, please." she repeated as the phone in my hand slipped from my hands, i saw her eyes became glossy wet and she gripped at my uniform's sleeve. why, she has jimin beside her. i am no longer needed.
"don't go, don't leave me jungkook. please, take me with you." the moment a tear escaped at her eyes, i pulled the hand which held my sleeve as my hands snaked its way to hold her small figure, engulfing her in an embrace as i rest her head on my chest.
"don't go, please. don't leave me, you promised. you promised that yo—"
"why? why would you need me when you have hyung?"
"i—" she pulled away a little and our eyes met, i cupped her face as i wipe the tears away. "i don't love him. i love you," my eyes widened as i couldn't grasp what had come out from her mouth. "please, take me with you when you leave."
do i really deserve this girl?
please tell me how to tame this heart of mine, i might die because of so much happiness.
