Living without you is harder than you think

To Real

Just walking into my room and seeing him silently sleeping was enough for me to have hitched breathing. He is finally mine, all mine! I just hope he never leaves. Ever. I know that I'm young. I know I shouldn't even say things I do and do the things I do but I just think he is meant for me. He was the one who was brought in my life for a reason.

                               ...

"YA! Jongin hung! Hajima!!!!" I woke up to someone yelling. I flung my legs off the bed and rubbed my eyes sleepily. "Why can't you guys shut up for one minute?" I said to myself. I got out of bed and stomped to the boys yelling in the kitchen. Every single one of them are yelling at each other. Suho on the other hand is in the dinning area and reading a book sipping on his tea. Nice Suho. I growled to myself then screamed. "SHUT THE HELL UP! I WILL CALL EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOUR MOTHERS IF YOU DON'T CLEAN UP YOUR ACTS! IF YOU THINK I'M JOKING TRY ME!" I sighed holding my temples. They all stood there hanging there heads. "Sorry Leslie." They all said at almost the exact same time. I rolled my eyes. "You all better be god dammit!" I turned around and walked back to my room. I closed the door and played back down.

Sehun walked out of the bathroom drying off his hair dressed in a nice button down navy blue shirt and khaki skinny jeans that weren't tight but weren't loose either. "Hey Les. I think its your time of the month." He reminded me. I jumped out of bed and straight into the bathroom. I grabbed the pad and hurried to put it on. Afterwards I washed my hands and sighed shuffling back to bed. He laughed and grabbed his socks putting them on then his slippers. I hid in the blankets trying to warm myself up again.

"No wonder why I just lost myself in the kitchen earlier." I laughed. He did too. He sat next to me and kissed my forehead then got up and left the room. I closed my eyes letting myself fall back into my comforting sleep.

                    •●•●•●○●○°○°○°○°○°

         Waking up I see the alarm clock.

2:45 pm

I got let my feet dangle from the edge of the bed and sigh. I looked around the room. Sehun wasn't here nor where anyone of the boys. It was dead silent in my house. Something washed over me, some kind of sadness, a sense of loneliness. I shook my head thinking of all the things that had happened since when sehun first came back. How quiet and lonely my life was for a long time. How I never let people in for fear of getting hurt like sehun did me, yet here I am dating him. i chuckled at myself shaking my head once more; thing and people are changing. So am I, although I feel like it isn't for the right reasons and it may ruin every relation I have with every person I know. 

I grabbed my computer from my green desk logging on YouTube. "I'm getting in my feelings to much. Time for some MGK." I told myself smirking. "Wild boy." the intro began and I could feel myself once again masking my pain. This time it will be good and benefit me. I know it will. 

I turned on my speakers and blared it all around my room then starting getting undressed rapping hard core to the song that was more help than anyone in my life at the moment. Walking to the bathroom i turned on the shower while the song ended and went on to the next one which from what I heard was a rock band song that I used to be into. Now things were once again down hill. That kind of music made me more depressed than I had already been but i still sang to every word from sleeping with sirens Kick me. Every lyric poured out of me like every tear that was being shed from my eyes and mixed. no hidden and mask like from the water. I feel like I haven't been able to cry by myself in a long time it made me feel like I was once again lonely. 

I got up and walked out of the restroom. I was wrapped in my towel still didn't even bother to dry my hair. I went straight to my bed and laid down. I feel so bad I know something bad is going to happen between me and sehun. I'm so scared, I am trying to not think this way but I know it. My phone buzzed taking me from my thoughts. I was secretly hoping it was from sehun but it wasn't. It was baekhyun.

Bacon: Hey Leslie Sehun wanted me to text you  that he  wont be  coming home with us today. I don't know why he asked me to tell you but anyways now you know. See you in a bit. ^o^

Me: Okay see you later. Thnx

i put my phone and clutched my chest were my heart is. There is a pain in my heart a real pain and also a metaphorical pain. I felt tears coming to the surface but I cant cry. Like i seriously cant cry because i can already feel myself breaking apart already. I laid there in my bed naked and wrapped in my towel not caring about anything in the world anymore. I don't know how long I knew this was coming but i knew it would sooner or later. I was just to stupid to heed the warning. To see the signs and actually acknowledge them right in front of my face. I cant handle this pain anymore. 

                                                                                   .... 

I don't exactly know how long i had been laying there staring at the ceiling but I heard a gental knock on the door breaking me from the heart aching thoughts i had been thinking of for who knows how long. "One minute." I almost whispered. I put on some short and a shirt then opened the door. I looked up at Jongin staring down at me. I forced a smile that was so wide it was bound to be believable. He shook his head and came in pushing past me. I made a giggle. "Whats with you?" he looked at me in disbelief while i closed my door. "I know you know!" he raised his voice a bit. It doesn't startle me because well i don't know i guess you could say thing like that aren't frightening. He walked closer to me. "You know he isn't coming right?" i nodded as a reply and still kept my smile even though i wanted to drop my head and go lay down and cry. 

"You know why right?" i shrugged still smiling. "He doesn't love you!" he yelled at me. I stood there shocked. My smile disappeared for a split second then once again i made it reappear. "Kai honey, you honestly think i will believe you?" i said even though i know he is speaking the truth. "YOU KNOW ITS THE TRUTH!" He yelled inches from my face. "No whats the truth? That he love me because he said so and no one can say it without meaning it." i said trying to see if he can catch me saying i have always known. Kai took a step back and rubbed his forehead then sat down on the edge of my bed. "I don't know what has gotten into him. He was not ever like this before, but ever since that girl he has just never really been the same. " I looked up at him confused. "You don't know do you?" i shook me head. He exhaled letting out a yell with it. Why is this so frustrating for him? I am the one who is being dumped. "Kai?" i asked. he looked at me. "Why is this getting you so angry?" I asked him. He smiled at me. "You don't see it but you deserve so much better and here he is with some other girls and not coming home. I am sure you can guess were he is going right?" my heart literally split in tone million pieces. "Well not like i cared to much for him anyways so i am not to hurt. Wow look at the time seven o'clock already. Bed time well nice of you to stop bye  but i should get some beauty rest." I spoke fast to get him out before i break down in front of him. He stopped and turning to me. "I know you want to cry. Cry but don't shut me out i'm on your side

I shook my head. "Why would i want to cry?!" I screamed. Everyone's head popped into the hall way and stared at me. "Why are you staring at me?!" I screamed again. No one answered just stared. i took in a large breath and pushed it out. "Okay whatever doesn't matter. I'm going to bed feel free to order food my cards in my purse i will get it for you. I'll be right back." I smiled and laughed walking to my room grabbing my card and walking back to the hallway. "Here ave as much as you want. Don't tell anyone i have been working i just got paid so have fun." I handed the card to Baekhyun and smiled at them brightly. The looked shocked. "Why were crying ? you hide your pain so much that just now it was almost believable." Chanyeol spoke out. I turned around to see them. "I wasn't crying. I was raising my voice." i said smiling. "But it was a misunderstanding. I apologize Jongin for raising my voice at you." I said looking at him. He shook his head. "You are crying right now." Chanyeol said. I lifted my hand to feel my face. Sure enough it was drenched with tears. "I am okay." I said turning around and rushing to my room.