More Than This

Strong

Today is our fourth day here in Geneva. The past two days were mostly spent in seemingly endless meetings. Exciting but tiring.  Normally work is a breeze for me. But my anxiety for now is mostly caused by Harry. I haven't heard from him since that last cryptic message he sent.

I tried called him up, thrice! But each time I just got the machine. I didn't leave any messages because I got hurt he didn't answer! I wanted to send him a message, a scathing one actually after the third failed call, but I skipped that part, too. To hell with Hairy, I thought. I can't be someone who gets taken for granted. I'm done with that game. I don't want to speculate anymore. Overthinking, my favorite sport, has to stop. Fuck I'm hurt. Yet again. But this time, it was less painful, if there is even a metric for that.

James was a relief though.  He would send me funny messages and emojis whenever I looked oblivious. During our meeting breaks, we would take pictures and videos of ourselves being goofy. I have never enjoyed someones company so much since Josh. In a lot of ways, he is my other Josh. Someone who I can completely be myself with. Except that with James, I'm not really expecting anything. For once, I have come into terms with just having fun, just as Nana prescribed.

-----

I'm in the shower and I hear my phone ring. I know it's Harry. Strong is playing. I'm caught between rinsing fast and scrubbing longer. I chose the latter, better for my skin. The music stopped. He got the machine.

I step out of the shower and took time to get dressed. I'm consciously avoiding my phone. Thirty minutes later, I'm all ready. I took my phone and shove it in my bag, without checking it. I can do this, I convince myself.

------

My mom and I went out for lunch. The boys are doing their own thing. Mom said they won't be joining us. Lunch with Mom meant a quick update of everything. We rarely get to do this so I make sure I stick to only pleasant stories.

"Are you ok, Sweetie?" Mom reaches out across the table and holds my hand.

"Of course, I am, mom," I smile wide enough to hide away my feelings.

"You never mentioned Josh, or Harry. Don't tell me you're ok," she laughs as if she knows. Of course she knows!

"Mom..." My eyes widen to stop her from laughing.

"Whatever Lexie," she is still laughing. "But remember," her tone is more serious now. "Don't lose yourself. Your own happiness is more important that any of these boys." She looks down on her food and proceeds on eating. I know what she meant and I don't want to be in that same place again, ever.

"I'm fine, mom," I smile to assure her and ahe smiled back. I know she worries about me. "I'm no longer that person, ok?" I touch her hand to assure her.

"Is that your phone ringing?" Strong is playing. "Go ahead, pick it up, I don't mind," she says.

I am hesitant but I don't want her to speculate, too, so I get it and swiped the screen. I stood up and my mom nodded. "Hello," I say as I walk towards the exit.

"Love, I'm sorry, please dont be mad at me," an apologetic Harry is pleading.

Silence on my end.

"I know you're mad. I would be, if i were you, but please hear me out," his voice sounds sincere though.

"Ok," I curtly replied.

"Have you seen my messages?"

My eyes are rolling. What the heck is he talking about.

"Ok, I assume you haven't. Not after you didn't even take my call earlier." Exaspiration can be traced from his tone. "There's gonna be big news, about us," he faintly says.

"What? What us?" Now I am surprised.

"No not us, us. One Direction us." He explains. "It's Zayn," he takes a deep sigh. "He just left. And it may be for good."

"What!" My tone a tad higher and people around looked at me.

"Yeah. We have been trying to talk to him but he seem to shut down. He is talking to no one, and we all had to adress this. Fuck, not in the middle of the tour!" He sounds agitated. "I get that he's been anxious again, but aren't we, too?  He needs to get his shit together. We were supposed to be in this together."

"Oh Harry, I wish I could be there with you. I am really sorry to hear this." Gaaaah! I feel like a prick now. I shouldn't have judged him harshly for not calling me.

"I'm sorry baby." My breathe hitches. "I didn't know how to tell you earlier because you know, I'm not even allowed to. Till now. It's about to hit the papers. Please don't be angry with me, Ok? Not now, please, baby?" He pleads.

"Don't worry about it," I say to assure him. All the ambivalent feelings I had for Harry are now a thing of the past. I now badly want to give him a tight hug.

"I miss you so much, baby," he says, as he sends kissing sounds, like music to my soul. And I can feel my heart dance to this beat.