reasons you should totally not love me

2:02am 12/26

a few hours ago i had a panic attack at my aunt's house during lunch and my grandmother who also has an anxiety disorder got frustrated with my mom because i wasn't doing well and need an actual therapist it was dumb and made my mom feel bad

but anyways, i later apologized to my mother for "freaking out" and she was all like "no it's fine ive been needing to get you help anyway" but my father overheard and started yelling about stuff like "who needs a shrink theyre for pussies who need to man up a person your age doesnt have real problems get more exercise all you need for a psychoanalysis is a good beating" etc etc, after which i proceeded to cry a bit which he responded by yelling at me for crying and my mom yelled at him and he kind of backed out into another room but continued to yell

my mom assured me not to worry but i still did

around 10ish i was crying in my room because yea and my dad came in and apologized and told me his father was worse and i feel awful that he had a bad childhood but i mean pls im young and hope to die every fucking day and thats still a real problem

and he said therapists still arent a good idea but he wont yell

however i still havent fallen asleep due to recent events and whatnot

the only reason i actually dont commit right now is maria and my mom because i am just so sad and i know it will get better but whenever it does someone or something ruins the past month or so and im like ok wow

anyway merry christmas, however, im gonna be gone for a while and just focus on calming down because my anxiety is at an all time high and it's really fucking up my sleep schedule and life in general

i could just really use words of encouragement and consolation