reasons you should totally not love me

ddddddouble uplooooaaad 3/27

ive got so many comments from people on the internet and friends irl and theyre like

okay edie you dress like really cute pop trash

but you only listen to operas and carry yourself in such a fancy/refined way and act like a 50 year old french aristocrat

like wtf even are you

👏

sweAty

i dress like pop trash bc i am pop trash and i act cultured because i am cultured

my parents raised me to be polite and kind of snobby bc if i act like im poor nobody will take me seriously

and i dress like i do because then no kids in school would take me seriously

so basically if i dont try hard enough im not good enough

so every hecking day

i have to prepare myself for socializing

im like "okay you have to wear this really pretty outfit to compensate for your really gross face and if a teacher says something to you make a joke and make people laugh and dont screw up and be nice but also be a bitch but like a funny bitch and dont screw up you disappointment"

and people are like omg ur so chill everyone likes you how do you do it

and when they say that i feel some reassurance like he y im doing a good job

but then the next day someone will make one kind of suggestive comment like "u m you seem kind of snobby because you never gossip with us on the bus" and ill freAK OUT

LIKE HECK

IM NOT PREFORMING AT MY BEST

because i got bullied up until this year and it might be because i grew boobs or because i just realized i need to act "cool" to be "liked"

and to be liked by everyone i have to be funny for some people and musical for others or bad ass or refined or slutty or dramatic or chill or smart or girly or tomboy or loud or quiet and it is so exhausting trying to be all of them

and sometimes i slip up and then someone doesnt like me and it might be a teacher or a kid i dont really know but it makes me feel like such shit and like im not worth anything

whenever i think someone doesnt like me or talks about me when im not there (which is like 50% of my waking hours) ill have a full blown panic attack

and ill have to go to my friends and be like hey im pretty right ?? am i smart enough ? am i still funny ? is there something wrong with me ???

and then i fear they think im annoying because i need constant human validation to feel like im worth something

im just like a hot ball of fear and suppressed anxiety and i dont know what to do about it

lmao i didnt expect this entry to be so long sorry guys

vote/comment/share or whatever thank you

have a good day/night !