reasons you should totally not love me

1/11 3:37pm floral feels and space place

i really really dont like crushes on people you don't know, especially those when it gives you those nice 'what if' emotions in your forebrain

the crushes I've experienced were defined by two categories; floral feels and space place donT ASK ME WHY THE NAMES ARE SO STUPID IM SORRY

but like

it's either this really cute infatuation you have for a person and you think they're adorable and you just want to lie in a field of it and pick it all up in a pretty bouquet and present it to them as a lil present

the downside of it is that the feelings eventually kind of wilt or just die all together then your left with a kind of empty feeling of once-was and what-ifs and it's a very odd emotion i cant quite place but it's still there

the other type is so rare so very rare
it's when you see a person you previously knew or were acquainted to or maybe you don't even know them but it's like
wow
when you see them it's just so so cool like you want to touch them more and explore them and when you do get to talk to them and confide in them it's like everything gets just makes so much sense but becomes more complicated and strange at the same time, leading you to want more and more and just absorb all of them and sing with them and draw them and touch them and wouldn't it be cool if you just stuck your head in that little space between their shoulder and neck i bet it'd fit perfectly and look at their cheeks it's so cute you should poke it just once and see if they smile and what if you kissed just one of their fingers everyday and on the eleventh day you could kiss the palm of their hand that would be perfect and oh look they posted a picture of their room it's so messy what if you were the one who got to mess it up or clean it or sit in that chair in the corner or choose what radio station you listen to or just exist next to them anywhere and time wouldn't that be nice

and it's a very addictive sort of crush that you could get sucked into and when that person returns your feelings it's like everything makes sense suddenly and you see things you haven't noticed about things in life and you get a reason to be happy each day and a reason to wake up and that little feeling you get whenever you see a text notif from that person is just the best

the downside is probably the worst thing in the world because one day youll open your text messages and it wont be the usual pick up line or funny picture it'll be bad news and you'll be in the bathroom when you open the conversation and you'll skim the paragraph they wrote for you and you'll sink to the floor in silent sobs and you'll shake and youll shake and eventually youll turn your phone off and leave it on the counter next to the sink then wash your face but you'll still look awful then you'll go to bed and try to sleep but you won't you won't sleep for days and they'll text you asking if you're okay but they wont really care it's just a pity text
you'll feel as if everything,that vast world inside your chest made just for them, gets sucked back into a tiny ball then explode in a flat second, all those feelings and dreams and hopes and past what-ifs shred your airways and internal organs and your sorry excuse of a body will be left there just dying and you'll keep thinking about it for months and you know it's unhealthy but oh god she was just so nice why did she
and your friends try they really do and bless them but it doesnt work too well and it's just awful you'll never survive but then

there's my personal favorite type of crush that's makes your insides all healed it's even nicer than the last one

it's like a rainbow crush because rainbows are improbable beautiful and rare but so are you and so is this type of love it's too vast to hold and to small to name and you have to stand between the rain and sun to see a rainbow in the sky and it doesnt even have to be a crush it can just be a person you love and you would do anything for them if they asked you to do something for them you respond with an immediate and sincere yes and god it's just so nice so nice