reasons you should totally not love me

pure ecstacy 2/6 2:10

the other day i had like two mental breakdowns and i thought my depression was relapsing so i woke up this morning and went to school with just a really awful feeling that lasted the first half of the day

then during lunch my friends and i were eating and my friend emily was complaining about some guy and my friend leila was like "i like how you just clap every syllable when you're angry" and i was like "get👏laid👏get👏paid👏gatorade👏"

and while i was doing that, my friend parker sitting at the table behind me started clapping then everyone at the table behind them and it just spread and everyone started applauding i was so shook my frens started screaming bc i started something in a room of 300+ people and idk what happened but i was just so happy for the rest of the day

then we just told stories and laughed until our sides had bruises

it's just pure ecstacy that i get every school day when I'm with them and i just ride those waves that leave me high until i get washed onto the shores of anxiety and my psychosis

aaaaa my friends are great what did i do to deserve them

i just got a new therapist and for anyone who's ever had one, you probably know that the first few meetings are always the most awkward

today will be my fourth time seeing her, and she's chill and everything, but apparently my mom emailed her and asked her to talk to me about my depression and suicidal thoughts and i just

i dont like talking about it because i don't want to cry across from a stranger

she doesn't push and topic on me, the past times she just let me sit and small talk a bit for 45 minutes so that's good

but i think it is a thing i need to address, just,,not now

we kinda just talk about anxiety and how to get through a panic attack and such

on the drive back my mom doesnt ask how it went or anything, she listens to her politics radio and i listen to the musical heathers album or vampire weekend or some feel good music that calms me down

but other than that everything is going so so good

and i really hope everyone else has a source of pure ecstacy and has a rad day and if ur not hey do you want to be friends i'll probably end up falling in love with you

only if you wanna

mood: ezra koening rapping in the song Step