Diving Deep (UK Crush #2)

Chapter 37

I quietly opened the door to our room, let myself in and shut the door. He immediately sat up and turned on the lamp to show a tearstained face.

    "Birdie?" Then a hitching breath.

    "Yes."

    "Thank god!" He reached for me, pulling me to him.

    "Teddy--"

    "No, please let me talk first, let me try to fix what I fucked up so beautifully earlier," he shushed, releasing me so he could look at me. He took a deep breath.

    "Everything I said was true. I am self-absorbed. I try not to be, especially where you're concerned, I do, but old habits die hard. I wanted you, I had to have you, I did everything I could to get you. I did try to make it as pleasant as possible for you, but that was so you'd want to be with me; again, I was just thinking of myself, see?

    "But I do love you." He reached for my hands. "I love you more than anything. I love you more than I love myself. And now all I want is for you to be happy. Even if it means I'm unhappy." He laughed, which was like music to my ears. "And I don't even know when in the hell that happened, but it did. I would suffer every day, for the rest of my life, if it meant that you would be happy.

    "When you brought up my past? It just reminded me of how I used to be, of how selfish I was still, and of how much I really just didn't deserve to have you in my life. Because I don't." I could see fresh tears sparkling in his eyes. "But I'm so fucking sorry, so sorry, my god, I can't believe I said those things..." he wouldn't look up. "I can't believe I told you to get the fuck out..." This last came out in little more than a whisper. "How could I have said that to you?" He shook his head.

    "Okay," I said. "My turn to talk now?" He looked a little taken aback by my tone, but he nodded. "Good."

    "First, I think that when you drink, you drink too much. You always end up saying or doing something you regret. Think about it, and you'll see I'm right. I'm not talking a beer here and there, I'm talking the hard stuff, the non-carbonated stuff." I paused, to let my words sink in. "So I wish you'd re-think your hard alcohol consumption a little, okay?" My voice was threatening to get out of control, I could feel it starting to wobble, a sure sign of imminent crying, and I was determined not to cry, so I stopped talking, took a deep breath, and just looked at him for a moment.

    He nodded.

    "Second. You need to get over this pity party you attend from time to time, usually when you've been hitting the hard stuff, though not always. You start in with this 'I don't deserve you' crap, and that's exactly what it is, crap. Only one person is qualified to decide if you deserve me or not, and that person is sitting right in front of you. If I decide you're good enough for me, then no one else's opinion matters, not even yours." I looked at him and held his hands gently, rubbing his fingers in what I hoped was a loving way.

    What had nearly happened in Geth's room kept coming into my head, threatening to make me a crazy, incoherent mess, so I pushed it resolutely away. I would deal with it later. Guilt, guilt.

    "I've had that exact same conversation with myself, believe it or not, about you, Theodore," I said. "I've asked myself how I got so lucky that you, a guy who could literally have had any woman in the world, not only chose me, but were willing to wait for me while I while I fucked around for months and got my shit together, not even wanting to kiss you, for Christ's sake, then making you wait forever to have sex. You, a guy who could get sex like regular guys could order a pizza, for crying out loud. And you just sat there and waited. For me." Even after all these months, I still couldn't keep the amazement out of my voice. I pulled myself back to the conversation.

    "My point is that I've been there, too." I looked into his eyes. I strengthened my grip on his hands. We were sitting Indian style on the bed, holding hands by lamplight; we probably looked like little kids taking an oath at camp or something. "But I haven't let it cripple me, Teddy. If you think I'm good enough for you, then that's good enough for me. And think how much worse it is for me. I mean, the only person judging you is you; Do you know how many millions of people are judging me? Just turn on your computer. I'm all over the Internet, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, FaceBook, you name it, there's someone out there wishing that Tinker Bell would die because she's not good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, sexy enough, something enough, for Theo Shelley."

    He looked down, and looked back at me. "You know they're full of crap."

    I looked at him and smiled. "Now why can't you do that for yourself? Hmm? Just tell yourself you're full of crap?"   

    He sighed. "You know that your own voice is the hardest to ignore..."

    I squeezed his hands. "I do know that. But I manage. You'd better learn, too, okay?" I looked into his eyes. "Okay?"

    He nodded. "I'll try."

    I reached out and pulled his head forward until our foreheads were touching. "You deserve me and I deserve you. We're two people who deserve each other as much as any two people in the world deserve each other, okay?"

    Except that I don't. I nearly slept with your best friend.

    He nodded again. "Okay," he said, lips barely moving. He put his hand against the back of my head and pulled me forward to kiss me, and as our mouths connected, any random thoughts of Gethin that were left floating around in my brain vanished, replaced by thoughts of this boy in front of me, this boy with the serious gray eyes and the long brown hair, this boy with the big heart and the quick tears, my boy, my special boy.

    "Birdie?" His voice was hoarse from his tears.

    "Yes," I answered in between kissing him.

    "Please, please, take off Geth's fucking shirt," he whispered.

    I laughed. "Okay," I said, reaching for the lamp with one hand as I reached for the buttons with the other.

    "No," he pulled my hand back from the lamp. "Leave the light on, please? I want to see you," he said softly.

    "As for these, I'll take care of them myself," he continued, reaching for the buttons on my shirt. So I just sat, arching my back slightly to make things easier for him. He leaned in to kiss my skin as the shirt opened up, and I let my head fall back, already starting to feel trembly and unraveled. I took a deep breath and let it out, putting a hand on top of his head.

    "I'm sorry, so sorry," he whispered in between kissing my skin.

    When the shirt was completely unbuttoned, he pulled it off me and dropped it on the floor next to the bed, putting his arms around me and pulling me to him tightly.   

    "Why on earth did you come back after I said those terrible things to you?" he whispered into my ear.

    "I had to," I whispered back, kissing his shoulder, hugging back, just as tightly. "What else could I do?" I asked, finally dissolving into tears.

    "Shh, shh, oh fuck, I'm so sorry," he said, beginning to cry again himself. "Please stop crying, please, please, oh shit, I'm so fucking sorry."