Diving Deep (UK Crush #2)

Chapter 55

The first few miles were driven in complete silence, through the frozen countryside, with just the music for company. Under other circumstances, the drive through the winter wonderland would have been lovely. I realized that I was going to have to initiate conversation if there was to be any.

"So, um, we need to talk about what's been going on between us, I think, don't you?" I asked softly.

"I guess, if you want to," he said unenthusiastically.

"How do you feel about me?" I asked quietly.

"Do we have to talk about that? Really?" He asked, equally quietly. "Can't this be one of those times when we let actions speak for themselves?"

"So you mean your feelings have changed? You don't love me anymore?" I could barely get the words out. "Is it because of Jennifer Jordan?" I steeled myself for what was coming.

He sighed. "I just think that maybe I'm not the right person for you, that's all. You should be living a different life, with different people. The kind of people you've been meeting at the Royal Conservatory. That's your world. You should be with them." He made no reference to Jenny at all.

"That's not what I asked, though. I asked if you didn't love me anymore." It was no easier to get the words out the second time. I turned to face him as he drove. "Teddy. Do you love me? It's a yes or no question."

He rolled his eyes around, and tears slipped out. "I don't think it's safe for me to drive like this, honestly. Fuck. The question really is, do I love you enough to lie to you? You may not realize it, but that's what the question really is. And the answer, unfortunately, is no. I don't love you enough to lie, because I'm supposed to say 'No, I don't love you anymore, so you'll leave me, and go where you're supposed to go, and be with those other people, but I can't say that."

He pulled over suddenly, making me lurch in my seat, and I noticed that it had started to snow. "I can't lie, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, because I do love you, I do, and I can't lie about that to drive you away to be with them. I don't want you to go, I don't want you to leave me, even if you're supposed to be with them, even if your life with me won't be what it's supposed to be, I don't care, I'm selfish, I want you with me, I do, I do." He leaned on the steering wheel and cried, sobbing the words out. "I'm sorry, Birdie, darling, I tried, I really did, for months I tried, but I can't, I'm too selfish, I want you with me more than anything, I'm sorry--"

I unbuckled my belt and crossed the console like had that day back in September, and he slid his seat back just in time, like then. I sat in his lap, my arms around his head, his head pulled to my bosom, crying into his hair as he cried into my chest. We stayed that way for a long time, the windows of the car completely fogging up.

Eventually he looked up into my face, his eyes streaming. "Darling, we're going to have to move the car, or we're going to get stuck here to the side of the road. I'm going to have drive quickly to get us home before the storm gets any worse, okay? So we probably should try not to talk until we get home, if we can do that, because all of our conversations are very heavy and important, and can't really happen while we're driving. Do you think you can manage to keep mum until we get home? About two more hours? Hmm?"

I looked into his eyes. "Yes." I nodded, but before I could move, he put his hands on my face and pulled me closer.

I closed my eyes. I felt him sigh against my mouth, a sigh of relief. It was the softest kiss he'd ever given me, not sexual at all. He repeated it, five or six times, stroking my hair, before releasing me.

"All right, buckle up, then, we have to make it home before the storm forces us to pull over and find a dodgy motor court or something for the night."

He pushed the little car to its limit. The issue wasn't speed as much as it was the slipperiness of the road; a couple of times we nearly skidded right off. As it was, getting home took twice as long as the trip there did. We made it just as the snow turned really heavy, and we literally hadn't spoken a word since we'd kissed at the side of the road.

He looked at me in the living room, a very serious look, full of so many emotions; I recognized regret, sorrow, apology, and shame, but I looked away, because it just hurt too much to keep looking.

"I have to talk to my mum--I was supposed to go tomorrow morning, but I don't think I'm going anywhere in this, so I'd better call her straight away. I see you shivering, so how about if you go and shower and get changed into your pjs while I take care of that, hmm? And then we can get some things sorted out, yeah?" He looked at me for approval.

I nodded and turned to go.

"Birdie?" He called.

I turned around.

"Everything's going to be all right, I think, really." He smiled at me. It was the ghost of his usual smile, but a smile nonetheless. I smiled back and nodded again.

I made my shower last as long as possible, reveling in the feel of the hot water on my skin. I shaved, washed my hair, conditioned it, put lotion on all over, towel dried my hair, and took my time picking out my pajamas. For some reason I was really dreading going back out there, even though what words had been spoken in the car had been promising. I finally decided on long johns with Toy Story clouds on them, with plain white athletic socks. I didn't want him to think I was trying to be seductive or anything.

I brushed my nearly dry hair and headed back out to the living room. I stopped just inside the doorway. He'd built a fire in the fireplace, which I didn't even know worked. There was a glass of wine for me, with the bottle sitting next to it, and on the low coffee table was an assortment of all kinds of exotic food: boxes of chocolate truffles, lox, various cheeses, and a bunch of things I didn't even recognize.

He turned around from his seat on the sofa and smiled at me, motioning me over.

"Where did all this come from?" I asked, forgetting to be formal and distant.

"This crap's been arriving at the house all month," he explained. "It goes upstairs, to the music room, where all deliveries go.

"I'm a very popular person," he said with a grin. "This isn't even all of it. Most of it goes to management, they just send some of it to me."

He patted the seat next to him.

"I know you haven't been eating," he said seriously. "Come on, this is good stuff, try some of it."

I sat on the edge of the sofa, noticing that he'd changed too, probably while I was in the shower. I tentatively reached for some of the chocolates, chocolate being my weakness.

I turned to him and took a deep breath, but he put a restraining hand on my arm.

"Eat first, then we'll talk," he said softly. "I mean, look at you. Those pajamas show everything; I can practically count your ribs, and it can't all be put down to the fact that you were sick for one week last month.

"I would've made some real food, or called out for some, but there's nothing in the house, and of course no place can deliver in this, so we'll just have to make do with pretending we're at a cocktail party, all right?" And he pushed some hair behind my ear.

I nodded, and we ate the food, which was delicious. It made for a strange meal, especially with wine. I felt a bit woozy, but it filled me up.

We chatted about various things, the boys adventures, Geth and Matty's trip to Bimini, Ronan's sister's wedding, which was coming up in April, the funny things the cats were doing on the hearth in front of the fire, which they'd never seen before.

I finally sat back on the sofa, with my third glass of wine, and turned to face him. He, too, had been drinking wine, and I realized that I hadn't seen him with hard liquor in a long time, though it sounded like he'd hit it pretty hard while he'd been at Gethin's.