September 4 2014, 8 pm
"John?" Shawn whispers, tapping lightly on John's shoulder.
John blinks, coming back from his thoughts. "Hm?"
"Are you okay?" Shawn mentally slaps himself, that was a really stupid question.
"Yep, of course Im fine." John wipes his cheek. Shawn sits down next to him on his bed.
"No, that was stupid. I know you're not fine. You have been sitting in that same exact spot for the past 3 hours." John doesn't answer, he was deep in thought again .
Shawn felt compelled to stroke his hair, as he was about to touch his head, John softly moves his hand away. "Shawn, I said Im fine." He felt a little hurt by John rejecting his actions, but he had to remind himself that John was not in a good mood. "Have you been here the whole time? I thought I told you I wanted some time alone." John bitterly adds, instantly regretted saying that, it sounded so rude.
Shawn felt another sting in his chest, but still ignored it. "You did, I just got here 5 minutes ago. I sat in my room remembering when I got cheated on. I was a mess, nobody was there to comfort me. So I came over here, so you don't have to be alone."
John looks up, his watery eyes meet Shawn's soft ones. He completely forgot Shawn had gone through the same thing. He sighs, "Sorry Shawn, if I sounded rude. I hate when I'm like that."
"Hey, it's okay. You're hurt, I understand." Shawn scoots closer to him.
"That doesn't mean I have to be mean to you. You're being very nice and helpful, and Im being rude in return. It's not fair for you."
"I'm okay," Shawn reassures him and John sighs, placing his head in his hands. "John, talk to me. Im here for you." Shawn quietly pleads him. John breathes in, and then exhales.
"There isn't anything to talk about. I got cheated on and thats it." John pauses, it seems as if that's all he has to say but Shawn knows it isn't.
"Funny how I was going over there to break up with him." John lets out a dry laugh. "And he was kissing a girl?!" John stands up and Shawn takes his spot, he starts to pace around his room. Shawn sits there silently, letting John take his anger out by saying what he needs to say.
"He never said he was bisexual? Like I think he should've let me know. I mean, I made it pretty clear that I was gay by-" John stops pacing and looks at Shawn, who had his full attention. "Well you don't need to know about that,"
"I don't mind." Shawn shrugs, he actually did mind a little, but for now he is going to suck it up and listen.
John continues to pace again, "-By sucking his dick whenever he wanted!"
Shawn closes his eyes, trying to delete the mental picture.
"God, what was wrong with me?! Why would I do that with someone who I barely knew? I am so stupid. I should've known better." He lets out a frustrated sigh as he runs his fingers through his hair. "And I shouldn't feel this hurt, I didn't even like him anymore." John adds, he feels his chest tighten as his breathing becomes heavier. He looks over at Shawn, he wasn't angry anymore. He felt empty, useless, unwanted. He hated feeling like this again, he thought he was over those feelings.
"Was I not good enough?" John whispers to himself, but the rooms was silent, so Shawn heard it as well. The tears he has been fighting were now spilling and falling onto his rosy cheeks.
"Oh John," Shawn himself felt tears starting to form in his eyes.
John was standing in the middle of the room, he had his hand resting in his hair. "Why does everyone leave? Is that all they do? Make you like them and once you are attached, they hurt you and leave?" John was no longer referring to James, but Shawn thought he was.
Shawn wanted to get up to hug him again, tell him he would never do that to him. But he decided to let John get everything off of his chest.
"I just don't get it, why do people do that?" John lets out a deep breath, he walks over to the left side of the bed and sits down.
Shawn turns his body towards him, he gets on the bed. "I'm going to stroke your hair now, because thats what I would've liked done for me when I got cheated on." He scoots closer, pulling John closer to him as well. Shawn's head was resting on the headboard, while John's was laying on his chest. They both look up at the ceiling, John eyes slowly close, enjoying the feeling Shawn was giving him by simply just stroking his hair.
Both boys felt unwanted, in other words, broken. Yet in each other's arms, they felt at ease.
John lets out a shaky breath, his breathing coming back to normal. "Will I ever find someone who wont hurt and leave me?" John asks, knowing that Shawn obviously doesn't know the answer.
He knows it too, but answers anyways. "Yes, and you know why?"
Shawn's heartbeat starts to race, allowing John to hear it, which soothes John even more. "Because, someone told me 'You'll find them. It might not be soon, but you'll find him.'" John groans, making Shawn laugh.
"Ugh, who gave you that stupid advice?"
"I don't know?" Shawn replies, going along with him. "Who ever it was, Im sure they're right. I believe him,"
John grins, he places his hands on his chest and starts to falls asleep.
*******
August 5, 2015 1 am
Shawn: Noahhh
Noah: what the heck Shawn why are you awake at 1 am on a school night?!
Shawn: why are you?
Noah: touché, whats up?
Shawn: so I dont know if I should tell you this but I know John trusts you
Noah: whats wrong? is he okay?
Shawn: not really, James cheated on him w a girl
Noah: wtf??
Shawn: I know, anyways it would be best if he did it but can you tell him not to talk to him anymore? he really hurt him noah
Noah: oh I will
-are you with him rn?
Shawn: yeah, I didnt want to leave him alone
-anyways, thank you :) goodnight
Noah: night! see u later
