Make Believe

Fourteen.

I sat there at four in the morning, slowly breathing in the cold air. My arms were bleeding after the cutting I had done. By this point I was weary, having sobered up I just sat in a dark, silent house. Guilt consumed me.

It's good to be selfish and have fun sometimes, but at the expense of other people... That's different.

The drugs had worn off, but I was still a little drunk. After I had cut, I had vomited profusely. I couldn't tell if it was the alcohol or just my body's way of giving up. After asking myself why I had cut again, I had decided that it was a form of self punishment.

I had punished everyone else enough. The look of terror on Ross's face was enough to haunt me forever. And that look of disappointment and anger in Finn's eyes... That killed me.

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of somebody crying. I stood up, walking carefully and slowly towards Ross and Finn's bedroom. Amongst the silence, sobs crept around the apartment. I opened the bedroom door as quietly as I could.

Ross sat cross-legged on the end of his bed, his head in his hands. He cried and cried and cried. Finn was asleep in his makeshift bed on the floor.

He looked up at me, wiping his eye. I beckoned to him, and he stood up and walked over to me, stepping over Finn and joining me at the door. "You okay?" I whispered. Ross nodded. I didn't believe him.

Shutting the door, I took him into the bathroom and looked him in the eye. "I'm sorry. Don't cry, Ross. Nightmare?"

He shook his head.

I sighed and reached into the sink, wetting a piece of toilet paper and wiping his tears. "Don't lie to me, kid. It was about last night, huh?"

He nodded.

"You were so scared, weren't you?" I frowned.

He started crying then, and I dropped the paper and hugged him tightly. "I'm a bitch. You have full permission to punch me in the face."

It was weird, he was only fifteen but he was still taller than me. After a moment, he stopped and looked me in the eye. "Your eyes... They just looked so... Crazy."

I didn't know what to say. 

"I forgive you." Ross said, as though he had read my mind. "I get it. We all do stupid things. I was at the rave, too. That was a mistake."

"You were only there because you were sick of looking for me." I told him. "That's forgivable."

"You don't think your mistake is forgivable?" He frowned.

I didn't answer, simply leading him into the lounge and sitting him on the sofa. Ross looked up at me tiredly as I quickly went into my room and reappeared with a blanket that I draped over him. He smiled gratefully and snuggled down.

"You'll be able to get to sleep with me here, right?" I sat next to him and turned on the TV, having it on the quietest setting possible.

"What are we going to watch?" Ross asked.

"I'll watch a film. You'll go to sleep. Okay?" I turned on a movie and put the TV remote on the coffee table. We sat in silence for a moment, and I could tell that Ross was falling asleep. I smiled to myself and leaned back in the deep sofa.

"Hey, Lola?" Ross asked, his voice groggy.

"Yeah?" I shut my eyes.

"I heard that Lia has a naughty tattoo. Is that true?"

"Dude, your big brother still drives you to school. Dream on." I laughed softly to myself. "Just go to sleep, moron."

Ross mumbled something and chuckled before falling asleep a few minutes later. Once I was sure he was asleep, I smirked and whispered to him as he breathed heavily. "Hope you have a good time dreaming about my slutty best friend."

I shut my eyes and lay back, sighing deeply. The house fell almost silent, until I heard the bedroom door open. Looking up, I saw Finn walk over and sit next to me. He stared at Ross for a moment, then turned to me.

I opened my mouth to start talking. "Finn, I-"

"Don't worry. I don't want to hear any apology from you." He said.

My heart dropped.

"Don't look at me like that. You don't need to apologise." He ruffled my hair. "Everyone makes mistakes, Scribble."

"Ross said that." I giggled.

Finn rolled his eyes. "Genetics."

"So am I totally forgiven?" I asked him.

"Nearly. You're half way there."

I laughed and leant on his shoulder, shutting my eyes. "Idiot." And there we stayed until the next morning, the three of us sleeping soundly.